the one in which she thinks e.e. cummings had a personal trainer**

So it's week 2 of the 52 to Fabulous challenge.  And while others might be motivated by their loved ones and thoughts of being around for years to come - Swirl Girl is motivated by money and...dare I say it?  Abject humiliation.

I signed up for 8 personal training sessions at my gym.  I will not waste the money.  Or if I do waste the money - I will mentally and physically beat myself up about it and therefore expend calories and get some exercise (the physical beating part) and lose weight,  And if I beat myself up about while eating directly out of the fridge  (open - bend - unwrap- bend oooh feel the burn)  the fat will really start melting away.  Either way, it looks like it's a win-win for me. 

I also signed up to participate in the gym's 12 challenge which is where the abject humiliation part comes in.  Next Monday they are going to weigh me (got crane?) ) , take measurements of all my parts (got lots of time?) and here is the kicker >>photograph me in a bathing suit (got 20's style flapper suit?) The winner of the 12 week challenge is the person who shows the most improvement, not necessarily the most weight loss.  I think I am supposed to say that it's okay to gain muscle weight - but quite frankly - it isn't.

So I went to the gym for my first training session with the 'boss'.  He worked me to the point of actual sweating and genuine hurting.  Sadistic bastard.  I used muscles I didn't know I had.  I pulled a face muscle I contorted so hard.  In fact, even my finger muscles hurt...so much so that even stretching my pinky muscle to hit the *shift* key hurts.  So to that end - I will only type in lower case letters for the rest of this post.  and no numbers either.  ouch.. i also think i will be avoiding my trade mark parenthetical expressions where i think out loud sort of like the chorus of a greek tragedy... **i think  e.e. cummings must have had a personal trainer too. 

so after the beating work out we go into the office to schedule the rest of my sessions.  at that time, he tries to match me up with a trainer who best fits my personality and will be a good motivator.  and because of all my years of sitting across a desk from someone i have become quite the skilled upside-down reader. (read: paper eaves-dropper)  i see he writes next to my name ' no skinny bitches' for this one.  hence- my new sadist trainer is named matt.  hope you can take it, dude.  i can be mean.  just ask around. 





in other news - i just want to thank Jen from Jen's Voices (and for you my dear, I will use the *shift* key and the parenthetical expressions because you deserve it!) for all the wonderful awards she has bestowed upon me.   Most recently  - she gave me the Feels Like Home award.  Go read her.  Jen just started blogging and already gets more commentors than I do.  And the popular ones too.  Her blog is full of snark, reality, humor, relatable flashbacks, and honesty.  You rock Frog!  My door is always open.

The One In Which She Vows to Go From Flab to FAB !**

** alternative title could be "What I did on my winter vacation"

So we had a remarkably unremarkable winter break.  Went to the movies , a few play dates, shared some holiday celebrations with friends.  Slept in.  Wore my uniform everyday (read: stretchy pants).  Thanksfully we live in Southern California and save for two days out of 14 - our weather was play outside-able.  Mighty fine.      

But unlike a lot of you , other than the sleeping late part of winter vacation- I missed the routine of the routine and was excited to get my kids off to school this week.

This is the time of year when everyone is jumping on the Resolution Band Wagon - and Swirl Girl is no different. In fact as a family - we celebrated New Year's Eve by playing Resolution Pictionary .  We made sort of a family contract listing things we all could do to make our family successful (read: happier, less stressed = less yelling!)

In order to be successful
We want to do the following:

1. Pay attention to your surroundings  (which is a nice way of saying don't be such a klutz!)
2. Keep your room clean! (which is a nice way of saying ...mommy doesn't like the clutter!)
3. Listen to each other (which is a nice way of stop finishing other's sentences)
4. Make your bed
5. Set the table (which is a nice way of saying - help mommy out!)
6. Pick up your mess (kitchen, toys, ect.)
7. Accept responsibilities for our actions (which is a nice way of saying punishment will fit the crime)
8. Take care of our bodies (which is a nice way of saying brush your teeth without me reminding you!)
9. Put away your clothes when they are clean (which is a nice way of saying I ain't doin' it anymore)
10. Put yourself in other people’s place (= empathy!!)
11. Treat others the way you want to be treated (oh, the Golden Rule...right?)
12. Think before you speak or act (Which is a nice way of saying no more Ready, Shoot, Aim!)


 We typed it all up after the doodling - and put in an 8x10 frame and it hangs proudly in the house.
So far, a whole week into it, we are doing just so-so .  Mommy just has to say #12, or "Did you #4 today?"
We're all about code words here. 

And I have my own personal list of Wants for this new year. 

1) Exercise Daily
2) Read more for pleasure
3) Monetize her life
4) Try to fill my ubiquitous Glass Half Empty attitude (adjusting my A).  In other words - I am gonna lighten the fluck UP!

I can still be funny and snarky without being so dark and gloomy all the time.  (IthinkIcan, IthinkIcan.)
I want what everyone else seems to have.  Or if they don't have it...they just pretend better than me.  And I want to learn how to do that. 


I am joining a group of like minded women on a project spearheaded by Linda Sellers of Short Pump Preppy called 52 to Fabulous.  The key to this challenge is the support.  I started my personal training sessions at the gym yesterday.  I want to not be totally grossed out by my nekkid body.  I don't expect to be sporting a bikini this summer - not that that wouldn't suck, but when your 5 year old tells you that you look like your gonna have a baby - it's time to shift gears. 

I wonder what the next best thing is going to be? In this world of insti-grat (that's instant gratification for you tweeters who don't want to use up too many characters)because if I could invent it...Hhhhmmmmm  that would surely help me monetize my life. 

So I am giving myself a realistic 52 weeks to go from Flabulous to Fabulous!!  Who's with me?? 
Anyone?  Anyone?  Buehler??

The One In Which She Adjusts Her Just A*

*alternative title = what the heck does that mean? (please click through with the linky love...otherwise you'll be as jumbled as this post)

We were watching Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium* this week for about the 10th time. It may not be the greatest movie, but it is filled with really good messages for kids and parents alike. In one part of the movie, an accountant (played by the ever-adorable Jason Bateman who-I-have-loved-since-his-wisecracker-best-friend-of-Ricky-Shroeder-role-on-Silver-Spoons) is hired by Mr. Magorium (played by Dustin Hoffman who -looked-better-as -an-aging-soap-star-tranvestite-actor-in-Tootsie-than-a-243-year-old-magical-toy-store-owner-with-wonky-eyebrows-and- for-some-reason-that-I-am-not-sure, a-dental-appliance, causing-him-to-have-a-sibilant-'s'-as-if-all-243-year-old-magical-toy-store-owners-kind-of -lisp-and-look-like- the-Mad-Hatter-from-the-Disney-animated-version-of-Alice-in-Wonderland)....

Anyway, the accountant (or counting mutant) that the toy store owner hires to determine the value of the store is, according to Molly Mahoney, (played by the equally as adorable Natalie Portman, the -young- store- manager-who-is-sort-of-stuck-in-a-rut-and-has-beenworking -at -the-magical-toy-store-since-instead-of -pursuing-her-dreams-of -penning-a-piano-opus-which-is-what-all-23-year-old-kids-have-on-their-bucket-lists, right?)..."a Just guy". When asked by him what a Just guy is , she says "A guy just like you. Same hair, same suit, same shoes, walks around, no matter what, you think it's all just a store, it's just a bench, it's just a tree. It's just what it is, nothing more!"*



And from the rest of the evening, and still until now, the whole point of the movie was lost on me (in fact, I am not sure what the point of the movie is...but there were some visually and emotionally charming moments) I started thinking about me - and whether what I am going through lately is Just A bout of 'holiday-itis' or endemic of the fact that most of my adult life ...I have been a Just A person. I have been feeling Just Eh for many months now physically and emotionally and I think it's time for a change.


I am Just A Stay at Home Mom - and, at times, I am a pretty lame one too. I know I complain about it a lot, but I am lucky to be able to be at home with my kids while they need me. But I wonder if sometimes I am Just A Faker trying to give the impression that this is enough for me. All.Day. Everyday.


I am Just An Excuse Maker. I make excuses about everything. I Justify everything. I am Just Lazy. I am Just Impatient. Impatient with my children. Impatient with Hubby. Impatient with everyone and everything.


I am Just Resigned . Resigned to the fact that this is my life. The truth is..I am Just Scared. Scared that I am an abject failure as a mother. That my girls will grow up with the same insecurities that I have. I am supposed to lead by example, right? Shouldn't there be some kind of "I Am Woman" song playing in our proverbial background? How can I teach them to 'reach for their dreams' when, in truth, I don't 'reach' for mine (and I am not sure if I even have any that don't involve winning the lottery or being chosen to be on What Not To Wear). Combine the Just Scared with a healthy dose of Just A Bit Lazy and a few ounces of Just Hormonal you have the recipe for a not so well-balanced and what some would call a rather moody (read: Just A Bitch) mommy.


So it is almost the New Year. Wee Hoo. 2009 was a comparatively unremarkable year {{wee-hoo!}} around Swirl Girl's place. I am not one who usually goes for the ol' New Years Resolution thingy...but I think this I've got to do something really proactive for myself and my family this year.

I want to take more risks. Socially. I need to put myself out there. If my kids see me doing it, maybe they would be more likely to break out of their cacoons too.

I want to really lose this tire that has formed around my middle. I am so grossed out by my naked body..I am ashamed of myself. I have arm cellulite and armpit cleavage to boot and when I see my profile and want to cry. Can you say LifeStyle Lift?

I want to do something for my head. (and if something comes for my wallet, too - that's a bonus) but for the moment...I want - no I need to do something.  Sure , I do little things in spurts. 

I want to be nicer, more tolerant, better thought of. A better friend; A better wife.

I want to maximize all of this social technology with this blog and Twitter and all the on line groups I am in and what not so that I , too, may get what others are getting. And I don't expect to make Dooce money. I just think that the power of the purchase is right inside these monitors that we gaze in for countless hours each day. I'd love to be asked to review a product or service and do give-aways. Which by the way - not only did I win the ColorInc. wrapped gallery print from Scary Mommy...I also just won an Epson 3 in 1 Printer /Fax/Scanner from Hot Dads!!.

I need to learn how to make people (read: me) happy.

In other words ....(now here comes the part where it all ties together)

I really need to Adjust my Just A-tude.






*most of this stuff came from Imbd.com