Thursday, March 5, 2009

The One About the Edit Button

Totally stole this from Em at Life, Liberty and the Pursuit. That's right ...stole it outright. Usually these kind of things are bestowed upon bloggers who somehow characterize the essential qualities of the award. But in this case - I just stole it. Maybe that is why I don't qualify for a real award. I am a 'wild card' performer...maybe my post will garner the votes of millions of adoring fans so that I may actually get to be the Next Top Model. I mean the Next American Idol. Oh hell, I just want to be a good mom. I never want my kids to say "my mom is such a bitch." or the dreaded 'H' word...EVER.

Here are the details of the award, and how it works:

1. Admit ONE thing you feel awful about involving being a mom. Get it off your shoulders. Once you've written it down, you are NO LONGER allowed to feel bad. It's over with, it's in the past. Remember, you're a great mom

"Ready, Shoot, Aim". That is my problem and has always been. I say things. Mean things. And, I can't take them back. I swear at my children. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with having a potty mouth - because words are just words. And, 'sticks and stones can blah, blah, blah' - but sometimes I throw some pretty hefty sticks and stones at my kids. I really need an edit button. I don't want my girls to have deflated self confidence. Sometimes I hurl completely awful boulders and spears at my kids. Then I feel horribly guitly afterwards.

I also don't like most other kids (or adults) for that matter. So because of my intolerance for others, they don't have a lot of playdates or much of a social life. It has nothing to do with their busy 'extra-curricular' lives, really...which they do have. It's because of my anti-social behavior and, to an extent, my unwillingness to change that.

2. To remind yourself that you ARE a good mom, list SEVEN things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you. These are the things to remind yourself of EVERY DAY that you rock!

-Everyone tells me what special kids I have. Teachers, relatives, friends, clergy. They are both amazingly creative, bright, well mannered, kind, sensitive, loving, funny . I take 50% if the credit ... even though sometimes I am the only one who doesn't see it. {{sigh}}

- I love to listen to my girls play together. Their giggles and imaginations just floor me sometimes. The other day they were in the tub together (truly the greatest way to bathe) and playing with the rubber ducky, naked barbies and other toys and I hear "Be Quiet Bitch!" I go running in and say , in a completely-not-so-shocked-cuz-they-heard-the-word-from-dear-old-mom kind of way "What did you just say?" to the 9 year old. She answers (with naked Ken who is being the king of the ocean in hand) "I said -Be quiet FISH"....because Ariel and Flounder were talking trash about my crown and trident." {mom skulks away snickering for assuming the worst}

- I love that they are good sleepers and always have been. Since about 3 weeks old ...they sleep through the night. (don't be jealous - much) If they don't get at least 12-13 hours of sleep a day, they are a mess. Yay for me!!!

- I love that they love to be with one another. They are truly best friends. My sisterbestfriend and I weren't always that way. I love that my girls are from the start.

- I love that each one of them has their own individual special talent. The 9 year old has could be the next JK Rowling. I'm telling you this kid has a pentiant for writing . She has won awards and national contests. She writes songs, poems, stories - what a gift! I never discourage this behavoir or hobby. In fact, I wish she would write things down more, and actually finish a few of these stories. (of course, instead of saying that in a nice and encouraging way- I snarkily roll my eyes and say it. See? No edit button)

The 5 year old, on the other hand, is an amazing artist. Her fine motor skills are so amazing for her age. The child will pose a still life on the table and have at it. Clearly she did not get that from me. She is a lefty...and I googled that and found that many of the world's great and famous were lefties. And, my mom and MIL are too. (of course, instead of saving everything...I make some snarky fricking comment about we should sort though the paper for recycling and rotate the fridge-worthy pictures so as to keep it fresh )

- I love that my girls have a ravenous appetite for learning. And although they watch a good amount of mind-numbing blather ...they would rather learn new things than catch up on the latest mediocrity on TV.

-I love that I have girls. I have a 48 year old penis that I am not sure what to do with...what the fuck would I do with a baby boys'? One of them is totally girly-girl and the other one is more hip and funky. I totally let them pick out their own clothes...within reason of course. I figure there will be bigger battles to fight than whether they are wearing matching colors.

- I love my girls and don't want them to grow up to be just like me. I want them to learn that using the edit button is a good thing. I just wish I could make mine bigger and easier to find.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you have some wonderful daughters!

You should totally read the book "I Hate Other People's Kids"....great book!

Mama Dawg said...

I knew we got along for some reason. I, too, don't like other people's kids or other people much for that matter.

However, I suck it up for LOML. Sigh.....that's why alcohol was invented, right?

Your daughters are awesome. Truly awesome. And so much like mine!

Ash said...

Excellent pilferage! Very well done.

Yeah, the edit button. Let me know when you find one. I could use it as well.

And the whole baby boy penis thing. You'd be surprised how cute they are at that age, and make dirty diapers so much easier to clean up after - no nooks and crannies.

The golden shower thing? That's a much larger can of worms.

Mama Wheaton said...

You sound like a very cool mom!

Britt said...

I'm finding that it's hard to be a mom when you are sarcastic .. and when you always look at things from the negative side first.

Like the time I thought it'd be funny to tell my daughter, who is terrified of the vacuum, that I might just sweep up her stuffies. I said it with sarcasm .. she took me seriously, because (duh, idiot is me) she's three. So now everytime I get out the vacuum, she starts freaking out, crying and running around grabbing all her stuff, terrified that I'm going to suck them up into my vacuum.

I tried showing her the other day that I couldn't really suck up her favorite book .. she sat there crying, as I pushed the book around the room with the vacuum, sniffling, "Poor book!"

Lately I've been apologizing a lot for yelling .. so much so that, when I yell and before I even get a chance to say anything KayLynn says, "I sorry yelling at you?"


This comment is ginormo already, so I'll keep this short:
1) I can't stand other kids
2) I can stand a select few adults
3) I do not apologize for this. I am who I am, and after spending most of my life having people try to break me out of my box, I am hunkering down. I put up with my hubby and his extra social ways .. I think that's enough. No playdates, ever. Amen.

When they get older, we'll discuss. That's all I'm promising.

Okay .. I'm done hogging your comment section =-)

Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional said...

I'm still cracking up at the 48 year old penis.
What a refreshingly honest post! Your girls sound wonderful.
I'm totally with you about other peoples' kids. It's a little better as they get older, but I'm just not one of those moms who loves all kids.

Anonymous said...

You know, the "messed up" kids are the ones who grow up where everything is "perfect" and they've never even heard a swear word. So I think you're doing just fine!

Debz said...

Well I realize my children haven't exactly turned out "perfect", but I don't feel like I harmed them in any permanent ways and I behaved prtty much just as you say you do. Potty mouth and all. My oldest was the writer, I actually had a friend who we would take his 'books' to and he bound them for him. So now I do have a pretty cool keepsake of those days. Now he's a deadbeat dad and beach bum. But that's not my fault dammit.
But talk about saying things to them you possibly shouldn't, I can remember on more than one occassion asking them (at the breakfast table before school no less) if mommy was too noisy last night. They would appropriately roll their eyes and say "moommm"!!

Claremont First Ward said...

Your daughters sound really amazing........I LOVE that you stole the award.........I need an edit button with my kids too.

M said...

You have some great kiddos!

I think I need to do this one.

Mariah said...

I don't really like other people's kids either, that is whay I am not a good step-parent person. I'm working on it though...

I absolutely love hearing my girls girls giggle together nder the blankets at night. Makes my whole life.

Don't fel bad about the cussing, they need to learn the words anyway, might as well learn them from you, right?

Susan said...

Using the edit button is a way of life, and a lesson they need! And by the way, I'm the same way about other people and other kids. Yuck.

Lula! said...

This is completely off topic...and so I'll just e-mail my little story to you. And remind you that I know for a fact you are a GOOD mother. Because you put up with me calling you "DEBBIE!" and that takes big ones, I tell ya...

Cristin said...

I swear around my kids too.. it was much easier with the Deaf one... but the Hearing one has made me wake up a bit.... especially when she yelled at the dog: "Shut up Ass Hole!!!"...yeah... she's two... I need to watch it...

Oh, and the '48 year old penis' made me laugh out loud and made hubby curious what I was reading... hehehehe...

jill jill bo bill said...

Can I go ahead and put Cooper in the running for husband of either child in 20 years? I love your hinesty Swirl. You are the bomb. You and your potty mouth.

Anonymous said...

You'd get pissed on in the face every time you went to change a diaper that's what.

The Blonde Duck said...

48 year old penis...LOL! That's funny.

Jenni said...

My kids have no social life because of me, too. Ack. I think I need that award!

Fannie said...

I love having daughters too!

sassy stephanie said...

My two girls sound alot like your girls. Isn't it so funny that the same set of parents can produce such different kids?

I worked in a day care in HS and college and I have had enough of other people's kids, thankyouverymuch.

And amen to the boy/penis thing. This three year old one over here is causing me to drink (well, more than usual, anyway).