Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The One Where Toys Will Be Toys :O

**WARNING: Danger, Danger Will Robinson....
..(wave robotic accordian arms up and down)

The following post enters dangerous territory - - so step away from the keyboard if you get sqeamish or you are my mom or anyone who has seen me in a diaper or may possibly see me in a diaper in (hopefully) the distant future.

You have been warned.

*Editors Note: I have been trying to write this post for over a week now, but it is hard to write a post about sex toys when your kids are bopping around all over the place. So now they are fully entranced in the Wizard of Oz for about the billionth time and I am sitting only a few feet away so if I quickly reduce the screen to avoid burning their little retinas or suddendly have to dash - you'll understand - then I have to remember to delete these photos from the laptop since it's really not mine in the first place and Yes, honey - it was me who popped the '9' off the keyboard to retrieve the tiny bead that fell under the '9' when I was trying to write a sex toy post and simultaneously tie a tiny bead bracelet that my kid was stringing. My bad, dude.)

Bring It On or Turn It On:

So a while back I was contacted, like so many others in this sisterhood of the travelling rants, by Drew of Eden Fantasys, the online adult personal products store and magazine to write a review about a product of my choosing. Well, even after I made snarky comments (as I am wont to do ) I did just that. It turned out it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. (bad pun intended and will likely be forthcoming in the ensuing post).

I'd have to say the hardest thing about the whole thing was choosing my 'weapon of choice'. How could I do a straight up review when so many of the toys were curved for my enjoyment? What was even harder, was finding a personal pleasuring device that actually looked like a personal pleasuring device. I wanted to find something that looked like a sex toy , not a child's toy.

like these: the little wormy, and my personal favorite the B and D Duckie, and how 'bout those Care Bears??

And while I may have been the hit with some of the other mommy's at the Planned Urban Development's community pool should these little pocket rockets have made their way from my sidetable drawer to the tubby to the beach bag - I though it best not to choose one of these gizmos as my personal plaything .

I went with Papa Smurf or as they call it in the business...The Insatiable G. I want a sex toy that looks like a sex toy. You chose well, grasshopper. And while it may raise some eyebrows should the girls be snooping (which they haven't done yet and I am not looking forward to the time when they inevitably will) there is no doubt what Papa Smurf is all about.

So the question remains dearies - what would your ideal personal pleasuring device be like?

Would it be discreet , disguised as a 'massager' or all out 'in-your-face-I -am-a -vibrating - penis- damn-it' with life-like circumcised male characteristics ?

Would it "clean the house, make dinner, tell you how great you look and then give you a mind blowing orgasm"? (thanks Drew - you have a future in sex toys, oh- you're already in it!)

So now here's the thing : The folks at Eden Fantasy's will give you one if you are willing to share your Fantasy Fantasy with us. Everyone's got one...and if you don't - you're lying!! So fess up and do tell!! 'Cuz how else am I gonna be able to give one away!!

So here's how to do it:

Leave me a comment telling me what your Fantasy toy is. If you want to do that privately, leave me an email at dwgoldstein at roadrunner dot com. But if you do that, I will most likely have to share if I pick you to win, but I will not divulge the real source if you ask me not too)

Follow @DrewG78 on Twitter or drewg78 on Facebook for additional entries. Just tell me you did.

Rules of the Road:

#1= US and Canada only and #2= 1 Toy For the Winner Value $40 or less. #3= Must be 18 or older. (vee haf vays of discovering such things)

Then, I'll do something really scientific like crumbling up little pieces of paper and tossing them in a bowl and pick a winner. 'Cuz I live in the LA area, maybe I can get the dudes who keep all the Oscar winners names under wraps to pick the winner...but I think they may a little busier now that The Academy has added 5 more films in the Best Picture category.

Who knows - maybe one of you will come up with the next best thing to sliced bread! 'Cuz if you've ever tried to pleasure yourself with sliced bread, it's kinda messy and not very fullfilling if you know what I mean.

Contest will run until July 4th ...which I think is an appropriate way to celebrate my first ever bloggy contest. It' s my version of "Love American Style (truer than the red, white, and blue-woo-woo-woo!)"

Get to it!!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Because He's Number One

...I am letting Hubby do this guest post. Barely unedited and 99 1/4 % pure him:

to follow along edits are are in italics


So I have no original thoughts…

Being a child of the NY metropolitan area I was exposed to a wide variety of media at an early age: Leonard Bernstein, the Turtletaub produced comedies, Notre Dame football re-runs (we move to further action in the same series of downs – says the plaid coated Lindsey Nelson to the always nattily clad Mr. Hornung), All war movies (Patton, Longest Day, Battle of the Bulge, The Dirty Dozen, Kelly’s Heroes to name a few – I love Memorial Day Weekend movie-thons), All Sports Movies (Bang the Drum Slowly, Brian’s Song, Pride of the Yankees), the voices of legends Bob Murphy & Ralph Kiner in the Met’s booth, Phil “the scooter” Rizzuto in the Yankee booth, Bob Merrill the PA announcer for the Yankees and old time Giants, Marv Albert (before lingerie and cannibalism), and the voice of the Giants Marty Glickman, Great TV - too many sitcoms to mention – OK just a few: MASH, Taxi, Barney Miller, When Things Were Rotten (short lived comedy by Mel Brooks – that 9 people ever saw) . And then there have been the movies: Dirty Harry, Blazing Saddles, The Godfather & II, My Cousin Vinny, MASH (the pro’s from Dover version), Stripes and Animal House. And lastly the comedy albums: Watergate Comedy Hour, Woody Allen Live, James Blond Secret Agent 006.95 marked down from 7, Rodney Dangerfield’s No Respect and the classics like Class Clown by George Carlin, Child of the Fifties by Robert Klein and the immortal Cheech and Chong’s Big Bambu. (let's not forget that cultural classic...The Marches of John Phillips Souza as performed by the Marine Corps Band )

Why am I telling you this? It occurred to me that I have not created any new material since I was 5. I mean really new material. I have been weaving in the great lines from these geniuses above for four plus decades now. I have an idiot savants way of using them in normal conversation too. When I hear someone say something that doesn’t make any sense, I almost always utter the phrase “There was one” a line from a confused enrollee at the induction center in Stripes who thought he should enlist before he was drafted – when told there was no longer a draft he utters, you guessed it…”There was one?”

So here is my attempt to explain the Language of Hubby. These definitions are in no particular order but the first one is my most overused line, ever:

“Tuesday” – the answer to all questions…What day is it? When will we have dessert again? When will it stop raining? So why "Tuesday"? …O k here it is: Rodney Dangerfield is whipping the audience into a frenzy, they are getting very loud and raucous, and he says “Hey let’s break up the joint! No- wait ‘til Tuesday, after the fire!” I laugh at this every time knowing the context under which it is said – No one on the planet knows this but me. (especially not Swirl Girl who doesn't even laugh at the original use of the line or anything that has to do with all things Rodney Dangerfield but what does she know , she's a chick) But let me say " Tuesday " is not the answer to the question What day is it? – That answer belongs to the beautiful Appolonia Corleone in Godfather II…"Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday " (which oddly enough even though Swirl Girl is a chick she does get all things Godfather I and II and is right there with me quoting lines at sometimes wholly innapropriate moments)

“I shot the clerk” – Ralph Machio from My Cousin Vinny when the Sheriff says to him…”what did you do after you shot the clerk?” he responds “I shot the clerk?” This line is used when anyone is confused and needs something explained or repeated to them .

“Skieeeeed to Left” – said immediately following any round orb that is lifted past the infield – this is an homage to Bob Murphy – no one will understand that but my brother (clearly no one... see?)

“My kidneys were expecting orange juice, silly kidneys” – used liberally for all drinking occasions that begin before 11:00 AM - and there have been oh so many – stolen from a MASH episode when Hawkeye puts an early morning martini to his lips after a night of boozing – Tell me the image isn’t perfect

“Leave the gun take the cannolis” – use this one every time I ask someone to bring something with us – it just seems so appropriate like I want this and not that. Thank you Mario Puzo – there are no lines from the Godfather that get old!

When someone says – “Man that price is low, how do they do it?” The only answer is…”VOLUME” – a line from the Child of the Fifties (Robert Klein)

When someone asks: “How are you?” The only answer is: “Best as I can be in this price range.”

When a waiter asks: “Can I get you anything else?” I say: “ Sure, a pound of twenties, please.”

“Not ________, he owes me money!” I don’t know where this is from – but I say it anytime anyone mentions someone I don’t know. Sometimes it backfires. Like once when Swirl Girl and I were in Hawaii at a bar (where else) and the bartender was talking about some guy named Mike who had the best secret snorkeling spot on the island. I said “Not Mike, he owes me money!” to which the bartender says – “dude, Mike just died” Needless to say we had to find a new bar to drink at.

“That’ll leave a mark” said any time anyone (real or fictional) falls down, crashes, bumps an appendage…you get the picture.

[end scene]
He may be showing his age here...but the man is a peach. Ripe and ready. Slightly soft, round and fuzzy - but he's my peach. Think I'll go make a pie. No seriously - I love the guy. And while I might not get his goofy jokes all the time - I get him. And he gets me. He lets me. Hope he won't regret me.

He's the Number One Dad around here. I love you dootie man.

Go to The Scattered Mind of Tattooed Mini Van Mom for more significant other guest posts.

...and to all you Dad's out there : Enjoy your day!
...and to all you kid's out there: Tell your dads how much they mean to you while they are still able to hear you {sob}. I love you Daddy, and miss you more than you could possibly know.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Is It Wrong That I Find This Hysterical?

Am I wrong?? My kid finally learns how to ride a two wheeler and all I want to do is get her a german army helmet and little wire rimmed glasses.*

*arte johnson from Laugh In... Anyone? {{crickets}} Anyone??

Saturday, June 13, 2009

School's Out For Summer

Forgive me for I have sinned. It has been almost ten days since my last blog post. As my penance for this sinful action , I will recite Dr. Suess's "If I Ran the Circus" twice in a row and I will drink two, no make it three, Bloody Mary's down real fast - right before hand to make it extra tongue-twister-y. MMMmmmkay?

The reason for the lack of post-age is not for lack of fodder (oh , there has been quite a bit)'s not because I haven't logged on to Blogger or email or Faceboook (I have been reading my roll and commenting some )'s not because I don't want to (cuz really I do)...It's just that my mind has checked out. I've packed my wit and snark away with the colored pencils and glue sticks and thin-lined Sharpies and awards and certificates and art projects and permission slips and emergency comfort letters and PTA budgets and school plays and 'oh mom- it's your turn to bring brownie bites to the field day told to me the morning of the field day for the entire 4th grade' and all that crap that goes with it.

School's out for summer. Crap.**

**I swear as soon as I can find my wit and snark (I usually don't leave home without them) -I'll be back...Bigger and Badder than ever.

***which shouldn't be too long since I have a whole notebook of stuff just ready to roll.

****I promised a rather risque post and contest and if I don't act quickly, they'll think I don't want it and give it away to someone hornier than you guys ...and lord knows there is nobody hornier than a bunch of bloggers who's kids are on summer vacation and we really need something to "do with all of your free time" (which in and of itself has to be the most annoying question that anyone could ever ask a person who suddenly has some free time and by that I mean that she doesn't have to drive in circles anymore from one school to another or from one after school activity to another who has put like eleventybillion miles on her car in less that a year only driving a 6 mile radius over and over and over again and swears if she had a dollar for every person who asked her what she was going to do with all of her 'free time' she could afford to hire a chauffeur and limo to do the aforementioned schlepping.

*****I just wanted to see if you were still with me and just how many asterisks (aster..i?) she could put after one silly postscript.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Phriday Photo Phiesta

Who's phlying this thing anyway?? We are - that's who! The pilot let us into the cockpit (after a thorough search of Phluffy, the stuphphed dog -of course) and even let Emily turn on the Fasten Seatbelt sign. And he let us take a picture, but only if Mommy came and checked it out. And me, being rather phearful of phlying in general...had to be gently coaxed into that tiny little room with the cajillion buttons with the promise of a Bloody Mary and a nap! Mission Completed!!

And what's with all the phunny spelling? Why it's Candid Carrie's Photo Phinish Phiesta! Go there phor more phun phavorites!!

Monday, June 1, 2009

The One in Which She Wonders ...Is This Thing On??

...cuz I haven't had a lot of visitors these past few weeks. (read: weak posts?)

And Blogger's been sending me all kinds of warnings and Mission Aborted messages when I try to click on some of my regular reads. Maybe the same is happening when regular readers are clicking on they are staying away. Certainly it can not be an indication of my crappy reads lately...Nyahhh. Must be you guys. want random? You got random.

This is happening and this is big, big, bloggy BIG!

This is happening and this is big, big, bouncy BIG!!

This really happened and it was big, big, Big Bird BIG!! Early Sunday morning, we woke to a thunk. A really loud one. Kid falling out of bed? Minor earthquake? Suction cup of shower squeegie holder un-suction cupped? Nope. Bird being chased by a hawk hits our sliding glass doors followed by the hawk chasing the bird slamming himself wings first into the window. Yes! We have feathers , beak scratch and two little claw prints to prove it! I don't think the hawk got it's breakfast, though...we didn't find any 1/2 eaten bird bits around. I tried to get pictures but they didn't come out clear enough.

The girls took me to see "Up" this weekend. Love, love, loved it! A real story and message behind this film. It's a pleasure to see anything made by those Pixar geniuses. The short film at the beginning was so clever and creative. (can you smell Oscar?) My girls really enjoyed the movie as well. There was one part, though - when the little one totally freaked out. There was a scene where the villian sets the main characters' house on fire . Rachel jumps on to my lap and is wailing "oh no, his house, his memories - where's he gonna live? How's he gonna remember?" She got over it quite quickly, but I found it odd and kind of endearing that she had such compassion and empathy for this 3-D cartoon character. Such a big, big, big heart.

...and I am in the process of putting together Swirl Girl's first ever give-away which is going to be big, big, buzzing BIG tell all of your friends to come visit me {sic} again