Thursday, January 29, 2009

**UPDATE!!** Friday
I found Shauna of See My Designs - the wonder woman who designed my blog back in July. She found my header and is working to re-head my beheaded site. Phew!
And, I am not supposed to ask you to click on the ads, but if you choose to do so on your own...well, goody. And, lastly -the beast with 8 babies already has 6 at home and lives with her parents. She has gone into hiding ...or is holding out for a call from TLC. Either way, she's a freak or is starting her own cult. It's okay to drink the Kool-Aid, babe.

So I am so frustrated right now I could seriously hurt someone. It's been a while that I have a good bitch session so hold on to your seats for a touch of Swirl Girl's own special brand of whoop-ass:

1) I decided to follow someone's advice and put Google AdSense on here so I could make tons of money a $1.27 and somehow it deleted my awesome header. So while your clicking on the ad for some TubeLube and Amazondotcom and whatever else AdSense thinks is apropos for my blog (that means do it incessantly 'til your fingers hurt and the ENTER button on your keyboard falls off) - if you find my cute header in your trash somewhere, please send it home. It is amazing how attached you get to something like your cartoon image...I feel naked without it - and there is good naked and bad naked. This is the bad naked.

2) What is so difficult about making lines in the circle at school pick up? People have no problem doing it at McDonalds or Starbucks. But at a school that has 550 students whose parents all come to pick them up? Nope - we are going to drive into the ONE WAY circle and park perpendicularly against the flow of traffic. Make two lines along the curb , pick up your kids , and move along people. Think of it as a drive-thru window...only with less calories. Duh.

3) I had the pleasure of previewing the 'puberty' movie that our school district will be showing our 4th grade girls this week. Great - now after all the hard work I've done in explaining to my 9 year about the changes that will be taking place with her body - she's going to watch this video and start asking even more questions. And, the little time lapsed cartoon anatomical imagery on that video? Think 'Ch-Ch-Chia' vagina with a five o'clock shadow, perky c cup boobies and pimples. Not to mention the part where they intentionally dangle a 'pregnant' pause (pun intended, here) when they state "if the egg is not fertilized by the male sperm, it is expelled through the ..." First of all, is there another kind of sperm besides male sperm? And, my kid will raise her hand and ask how the sperm it gets in there to fertilize the egg!

4) What the fuck with this woman who just had 8 babies here in California ? At the same time! Oh sure, she was all "I'm was planning for 7, but uh-oh, surprise - the doctors pulled out 8!" And, she is planning to breast feed. How? More importantly - Why?? I guess if your going to have mulitples...then you should go big or go home. Twins, triplets or quads is pretty cool . But if your going to have 4, you may as well have 7 or 9. That qualifies you for lots of free shit like car seats, diapers for life, and probably a show on The Learning Channel. Not to mention, some plastic surgeon will offer you a tummy tuck, and your tits can go on tour in Vegas for the newest Cirque de Soleil puppet show.

I know some people who'd love one of those babies. Seriously - she probably wouldn't even know if one was missing.

I am going to bang my head against the wall now.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Manic's MeMe or The One Where She Gets The Q and A

My friendthatIhavenevermetyet Manic Mariah is doing this Q&A thingy-do. She sent me a list of questions and I am to provide the answers. Here goes:

1) What's the worst gift you've ever received and ever given?

This is where I should be a really good sport and say something like 'there is no worst gift when it is given out of love...' or some shit like that - but there really are some not-so- terrific gifts. I would have to say the worst gift I ever got is the gift that I never got.

2) What song evokes the strongest memories for you?
This is actually toughie for me. There are so many songs that bring up very vivid visual images in my head...I have always loved music and it has always been a huge part of my life. When we were kids, my parents were friends with someone whose daughter worked at Bose Equipment. My brother and I had amazing Bose 360 Stereo systems with kickin' speakers, tuner, and turntable. (for those of you readers who were born in the 80's or later, a turntable is an antique piece of stereo equipment on which a moulded vinyl disc would spin at certain rpms while a diamond needle would scratch over the grooved surface and somehow music would come out of it). Anyway - I had tons of record albums (and I still have most of them...and if I go out to the garage and open the box right now, I could probably scrounge up a doobie or two from the double album sets that made for great rolling trays)...sorry to have strayed off topic here - flashbacks are a bitch.

Okay - a few songs that evoke the strongest memories for me are:

We Are Family by Sister Sledge and Celebrate by Kool and the Gang : I can see my wonderful dad's white- man's -overbite -while- he -dances expression as I write. All I need to hear is the first few notes of We are Family and I go into a blithering bawl.

Funeral For a Friend /Love Lies Bleeding - Elton John: Again, this in one of my dad's favorites ...this reminds me of long family road trips and the old 8 track in the Lincoln., each family member honing in on one instrument and singing only that instrument, stopping at Rein's deli somewhere in Connecticut for lunch. Yum.

Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen: I saw Bruce at the Boston Garden in 1981. 5th row center on the floor. I even remember that I was wearing an off white velour v-neck with a collar. Why that tidbit is important other than the fact that I was ensconced in velour...I don't know. I am pretty sure , that despite the fact that I wasn't really sure what was going on at the time, when he sang that song right at me...and only for me...I experienced my first orgasm at that concert. And I wasn't touching myself at the time either. And although I was one of 15 thousand other people, the only ones who really knew what I was feeeling ...were me and Bruce. And Clarence, right?

3) What is so great about your favorite underwear and / or bra? I don't really have a favorite pair. I despise panty lines, so I've been a thong wearer for year. I figure if I am going to spend half my day pulling it out of my ass , I may as well start with it up there in the first place. So goodbye granny panties, bucket-o-undies, big uglies...whatever you call them. And, no - there are not really 'comfortable' in the true sense of the word, but I forgo comfort for no V.P.L. anyday.

4) Is justice or forgiveness more important? Would you forgive me if I said justice over forgiveness? ForgivItaliceness is a copout. It has become as politicized and normalizing. And one gigantic excuse for everything from cheating on your spouse, to bilking investors, 'oh there just being children'. I may forgive , but I don't forget.

5) Who would you like to tradeplaces with for a month?
I don't think I'd want to change places with anyone for a month. I have come to realize that what we see and think we want is not always reality. Appearances are very deceiving, right? Not that I wouldn't mind being George Clooney's arm candy for a few weeks, and then maybe I'd like to be Oprah just long enough to embezzle do some good with all that green (not to mention the shopping and )...So I guess I have to say that I'd like to be me with Oprah's money and ...well, just George Clooney.

So there it is...forgive me.

**and let's send some good internet waves over to Kat's husband Michael who just suffered an aneurysm over the weekend. shit...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The One Where She Goes Trigger Happy...

...or not. I begin each day with the mind set that my kids and I will not argue about anything. Most of the time they are practically perfect - but as all mothers and daughters (and sons) are bound to do - there is some discipline, direction, disagreement, or just plain yelling that occurs on a daily basis. So from now on...I am beginning my day with even lower expectations than I usually have. (and if you know me at all, that is already pretty low) That way - I will be pleasantly surprised , maybe even a little giddy when nothing tragic happens. And on the offshot that something really good happens - rainbows and lollipops may just come shooting out my ears. And- if I , say, won the lottery ...well, I think my head would implode and that would be that.

I can usually just tell the kind of day Emily had by the way she walks down the ramp from class to my car. If she is bounding , or singing to herself - with her sweatshirt tied around her waist, carrying the 40 lb. backpack, then it was a good day. If, like today, she is almost limping...expressionless, loping along deep in thought - I say to myself "oh crap...what happened today"

Me: "Hi babe, how was your day?"

Her: "Mom, I'm in a tweener crisis."

Me: "Oy. Okay - I'm ready, shoot."

Her: "Do you think you should tell a boy that you 'like-like' him or should you keep your feelings all bottled up inside?'

Me: " The mom answer is that you should not tell him. You should keep your feelings to yourself because you are 9 and too young to 'like-like' a boy. Plus, you don't want Daddy to have to hurt anyone (like he promises to do ) . The other answer is that girls mature faster than boys and if you tell a boy that you 'like-like' him, he will probably think it's gross and either be unphased by the whole conversation or make you feel goofy because he doesn't return the feelings in the way you want. Plus, once you tell him- and on the off chance that he feels the same way...then what are you going to do about it? "

Her: {crickets}

Me: "Who wants ice cream?"

Frozen margaritasIce cream or Double Stuff Oreos are the sure fire Tweener trouble deflectors. I keep ample stock of both in my house and am seriously considering putting a small freezer in the car.

Phew! Close call.

Later that day - I pick Emily up from Hebrew school, and spy her laughing and chatting with friends. She sees me and quickly goes into loping mode.

Her: "Mom, we have to have a chat when we get home."

Me: "Oy. What now?"

Her: " I think I am having mood swings."

Me: " Mood swings, huh? Where did you learn that term?"

Her: " In that book you gave me. I know that I will have hormones and they will cause my emotions to go up and down. You know, when my uterus is sloughing cells."

Me: "Well, if you are really having mood swings, the best thing to do is to try to recognize the triggers and then try to determine those things that make you feel better and gravitate towards those things. That is the real answer. The Mom answer is - - You're playin' me, kiddo. First of all - you don't have a period yet. You don't have hormones or cells that are sloughing...You don't even have boobs yet, or 'feathers'. You can't choose when to have a mood swing. (The child remembers every frickin' thing she ever read or heard and chooses when to apply those things.)

Her: {crickets}

She was fine being 'all that and a bag of chips'...until she saw me.

Maybe I am her trigger.

Me: " You know, babe - they make Double Stuffs with chocolate cream, too!"
The sound of resounding joy eminates from the back seat...I could sense the feeling of conflict resolution overcoming the mood swing.

...that made her "trigger" happy.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Only in L.A...?

We were driving to Disney the other day and caught this billboard on the '5' between a billboard for LapBand surgery and Breast Implants. I laughed so hard ...I had to call that 800 number from the car.

Only in L.A. ...?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Friday's "I Am Five" Foto Finish Fiesta!

Contrary to what I knew in my heart was totally the case....five years ago today I did not give birth to an owl. Or a dolphin. Or a Buick. I gave birth to my darling Rachel!

Now this little one was always moving and playing...and getting into my tupperware cabinet.

She is the little sister of the best big sister in the world...(yes, that means you Emily)

who to this day, reads to her every night...and plays with her all the time despite the 4 year age difference.

...and is always there for her.

Whatever my girls choose do in they lumberjacks,

or zoo keepers,

or farmers,

or archeologists...

or a The Next Pussycat Doll...

They will ROCK it! And, I would expect nothing else.

You never cease to amaze me , dollface!! Happy 5th Birthday Ray Ray!!

PS - a special shout out to Uncle Steven who is also celebrating his birthday today. And unlike his niece, he was not counting down the days (we start counting in reverse after age 40) nor is he going to Disneyland on Saturday!! And , Esteban - just in case you are did win the baby pool according to Price is Right Rules (closest to the correct time without going over)- but I 'll never admit it. Nor will I ever give you the $50.00 for the win. Maybe I will when you push an owl out of your vagina.

PSS - if you want to see some more Foto here and pop over to Candid Carrie's!

Monday, January 12, 2009

The One Where Mr. Swirl Gives it a Whirl...

Today you have to click here and go over to The Scattered Mind of Tatooed Mini Van Mom's joint. It's Significant Other day over there. The day we hear from the other side of the coin , or in my case, the better half ; the peanut butter to my jelly. Yes- folks, Hubby answered the challenge in about two seconds flat. I read what he wrote and thought long and hard about 'snarking' it up a little. But, then I thought about it some more and decided (with the help of a few 'daily affirmations' that I am smart enough, and gosh darn it : People like me) to leave it well enough alone.

So here it is - Hubby was asked how he felt about me blogging so much. Nary the remark about household chores going the wayside. Nothing about how blogging has actually saved us money because I no longer go shopping in my 'free' time. No commentary about how this blogging outlet spares him from having to hear me bitch, moan, rant and rave. Just 100% support and adoration. Truthfully , I would have expected nothing else but that. He's always been my biggest fan.

Okay- so here goes: unedited save for a typo or two....

Oh, that Marvelous Mind!

So this is where I get to have my say…Wow so much room to write and so little time. I have always been fascinated by Swirl Girl’s mind. Through the years I always wondered how she kept all that stuff inside her pretty head: answers to the Times Crossword Puzzle (Sunday, Magazine edition of course), every TV show ever made between 1968 and 1988, every single word I have ever uttered, every single line she ever heard in a bar, every single word to every song from 1968 to 1998, every single memory of our children from the moment they were conceived and lastly and most importantly every precious moment spent with the sweetest and dearest man to grace this planet – her Dad.

For those of you that have been readers, fans or casual visitors to this Blog you know that this all started with D.A.C – Swirl Girls’ and her Dad’s , who unfortunately lost his battle with D.A. C! I bring this up because you see all of the aforementioned mental gymnastics and memory minutiae was inside her pretty little cranium until the DAC sprung it forth into cyber space 12 short months ago. As you can tell from the over 100 posts in 300 days, my girl has a lot to say. I have been enthralled as the words, pictures and video have flown from her to all of you.

So what has all this done to Swirl Girl’s mental acuity? What has happened to the knowledge base that rivaled Funk and Wagnal’s? Absolutely nothing, except to provide an amazing outlet for all of the questions / answers that have been Swirling around in her grey matter for years. With each post Swirl Girl has not only shared her insight into the world we live in but has opened her mind to ask and answer questions that have taken her years to develop. This has been, to date, an amazing public version of a psychiatrists couch.

So to my Swirl Girl I say, keep on keepin’ on. You have only just begun to share what you know, explore what fascinates you and question what puzzles you. I love all of you more than you know but I especially love your mind – open, closed or on view for all to see!

Some folks have said that blogging is a community but to this bystander it is much more. It is a safe outlet with which to share one’s emotions; be they comical, satirical, angry or intellectual. I have seen the healing and restorative power of this medium work wonders on Swirl Girl. So to all of you that visit regularly thanks for sharing and for peeking into the marvelous mind of the Girl I like to Swirl!



Saturday, January 10, 2009

Just Spreadin' the Love

I got this for Spreadin' the Love from Susan at Life's too Short Not to Share
a fairly new bloggy friend. Thanks - I need this today.
January 10the sucks. This day marks the one year anniversary of my wonderful dad's passing. So I don't have much to say except that I miss him dearly and think of him daily. They say it gets easier...oh yeah? Prove it.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Now Wait Just A Minutiae

So we're back to school ...hang on while I do the happy dance for a minute, okay? I am back now. That was fun.

Rather uneventful winter break for us. We seemed to have passed that flu bug around the house. First the little one. Then the big one. Then Hubby and I.

On New Year's Eve we played some games (our new favorite is Pictureka) and had lobster and caviar ((an annual tradition for me). I didn't even have a drink 'cuz I felt like crap. The best thing about living on the left coast is we can celebrate NYEve at 9pm and not have to wait until 12am! So- we watched the 'ball drop' in New York .

The following is the real conversation between the 4 11/12ths year old and her Nyquil -ed up mommy:

Rachel: "Where's the ball? I don't see a ball."
Me: "It's not really a ball, it's more like a big crystal light up on top of that building"
Rachel: "Where do they drop it?"
Me: "Well, they don't really drop it - they sort of lower it as they count down to 2009."
Rachel: "You mean they drop a crystal ball on the street on top of all those people?"
Me: "Not really, Dolly -- it's sort of a symbolic representation of the new year - aaah fuck it. Ready for some chocolate?"

After a little strawberry and bananas dipped in chocolate (nuthin' fancy, just melted some chox chips ) - and a tuck in...they were in bed by 10:00, and I was in bed by 10:30. I think I slept until Sunday. It was truly the best nap I've had in a long time.

So - maybe it's because I am trying to do this on my own , without benefit of cold and flu meds..but since the weekend , I have a slight bout of insomnia. I roll around for hours on end and just can't fall asleep. I keep thinking the same things over and over again. You wanna know what these things are? I am not contemplating world peace or the state of our economy, for crap's sake...but I seem to fixate on minutiae (and I googled that word to make sure I spelled it right BTW)

1) Is it New Year's Eve or New Years Eve? I believe it is grammatically proper to use the apostrophe s. The Eve belonging to the New Year making it a possessive. Pet Peeve #2564938....when people say "What did you do for New Years?" They should say, "what did you do for New Year's Eve? or "Have you made any resolutions for the New Year?" not " Have you made any resolutions for the New Years?"

What the fuck does that mean anyway? More importantly, why does it bother me so much and why am I rolling around at 2:00am for two nights in a row in a self-debate about this?

2) Remember the song "Same Auld Lang Syne" by Dan Fogelberg (R.I.P., Dan writer of one of my all time favorite songs "Part of the Plan")?. Aside from that being an annoying song, and arguably one of the sappiest songs in the history of song-dom...I confuse it with another annoying Fogelberg song called "The Leader of the Band" . And for some reason, the past few nights have afforded me the time to 'sing' the words to myself over and over and over again. Well, I couldn't remember the words to "The Leader of the Band" and it was really bothering me.

"The leader of the band is tired and his eyes are growing old. But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul. My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man ...I'm just a living (insert the word I can't remember here) to the leader of the band. "

So my mind starts to wonder and insert all kinds of words there..and in the process, I start 'singing' the other song and now I just have to get up and out of bed and Google the frickin' songbook so I can get the stupid words to two songs I don't really like in the first place.

By the way - the word I couldn't remember is "legacy". "I'm just a living legacy to the leader blah, blah, blah.."

3) How come whenever I have tried the old stick toothpicks in an avocado seed and put in water trick , it never worked for me? I have a green thumb and I love avocado. (I actually prefer sliced avocado to guacomole which, if blended too smooth, is rather like baby throw-up, no?) I even have a Chia Pet Donkey and can make that grow and grow - but no avocado. Woe is me.

4) I am almost 45 years old and I have seen more shooting stars in the past few weeks than I have seen in 40 years. Seriously, I have seen about 10 in the past month. Where do they go when they fall? Is this some cosmic event or another effect of global warming?

5) Can you get addicted to tylenol PM? I'm willing to try it out and I'll let you know.

6) What I want to know is where that frickin' owl is living in my neighborhood. We have an owl. An honest to goodness hooting owl. I don't live in the woods or anything, There are not tons of trees or prey for that matter. But we're hear Hooty just about every night. Our Planned Urban Development is just a hop, skip and a jump from the Santa Monica Mountains. Don't you think Hooty would find better eats over there than the occasional mouse that he might find in our 'hood?

7) How can I turn all this rumination into an interesting blog post? (abject failure on this one, I guess)

Okay- so that's the rundown. Lather, Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again.

Last night I finally did get to sleep by midnight or so...and let me tell you - it's a good thing I did.

Now that I have tackled the minutiae - I'll see what I can do about that world peace thingy.

PS- Hubby has agreed to join this major Bloggy event ...oy.