Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The One In Which She is Real

Real *it*y Television Lover that is.

So Hubby calls to say blah, blah, blahdi-da and to be honest, I wasn't really listening. I was busy planning my attack. It was the final 3 on Americal Idol. It is also the premiere of The Real Housewives Of New York City reunion show. And then, it was the premiere episode of The Sopranos The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I'm too busy setting up the DVR and trying to figure out when I'm going to watch all my 'crap' to realize that wasn't a hummingbird that just hit my kitchen window. It's my little one's SuperBall being bounced against the sliding glass. doors. "Stop that now! Go play with some sharp knives and broken glass! Mama's busy!

God Help Me Please. I am addicted to Reality T.V. I am not sure if it is because there is nothing else on (since there is truly very little in the way of creative or compelling sitcoms or dramas anymore), or are these shows like a trainwreck? So gross to look at - but somehow I can't keep my eyes off of it.

Am I all 'holier than thou' when I watch Jon and Kate (and their 8) and sit back in judgement about her harping-shrewness (am I like that to Hubby? Nyahh) and his friggin' dumb-assness (dude, you got 8 kids and all the free hair plugs and those endorsements and make about $50K per episode and paparazzi and don't work anymore and you can't keep that tallywhacker in your pants or at least if you have to waggle your tallywhacker, can't you do it a bit more discreetly ??). Do I watch those vapid housewives and hate every single one of them just hoping that one of them would do something nice or are we supposed to love to hate them?

I have only admiration for the performers on Idol and So You Think You Can Dance. It's the producers and 'un-scripted' writers that I despise. They know that the viewers would rather see the trainwrecks than the really awesome ones, so that is what they waste our time with. What is it about the human psyche that we'd rather spend our time and energy on the freak show attractions than the real talent. It takes a lot of guts to get on a stage, any stage - much less one with a thousand people in the audience and millions of home viewers and sing or dance. As much as we love to see the talent, we love to the ones that suck even more.

Are we that gullible or do we just have bad taste? Jerry Springer wrecked us all lo those many years ago. Jerry, and Judge Judy and shows like COPS that brought stupid people to the forefront. And , we - the viewing public suck those shows up like Bedouins at an oasis slaking our thirst ...drinking it all in. Slurping it up and waiting for more.

If I think back, waaay back....I guess my love for all things Reality TV started back in Beantown with a show called Community Audtions. My sisterbestfriend and I would watch every Sunday. Really bad accordian players or Irish dancers or the occasional talent ("in my own little corner in my own little chair I can be whatever I want to be...." that's for you sis). Then she and I would pretend we were gymnasts and do hand springs off the upholstered chair in the den. Even at our young age, we realized that for every talented performer, there were critics. We'd rate our handsprings like Olympic judges giving high scores to handspringers named Jamie and low scores to the ones named Hilda. Additional points were even given for sticking the the bendy-arched-back-arms-up-in-the-air landing. Only the 'pretty' named gymnasts got those points.

So I think ahead, waaay ahead...to now. With this kurfluffle over the British talent Susan Boyle. The 'ugly duckling' who sings like a beautiful swan. We are so surprised that despite her somewhat bedraggled look, she can sing - really sing. What is wrong with us as a society that we make these assumptions. Being honest, would we would have rather seen her make a fool out of herself and fail miserably? I, for one, am glad she did well. But, being the realist that I am...I know her 15 minutes are almost up and I hope she makes the best of it before she goes postal on the paparrazi for exposing her nude prom photos she posted on Facebook*

*she really didn't do that , so don't go looking on Facebook or googling 'naked susan boyle' because I seriously hope that while she may have gone to her prom, there is nothing worse than seeing a doddy Brit with bad hair and bad teeth naked on YouTube....oh wait a sec , didn't Hugh Grant do something like that??

The One in Which Swirl Girl Wished She Would Have Packed Her Antlers

No, I didn't fall off your monitor screens...."I've been around the world and I-yi-yi-I ...I couldn't find my suitcase." So as the 'case' is still pending with @%$&%# Airlines, as much as I want to piss and moan about it (which I have already done adnauseum, and I know that is hard for some of you to believe because Swirl Girl always is all about cotton candy and rainbows afterall)....I have crafted this little Open Letter to @%$&%# Airlines for your In-Flight entertainment.

Dear Mr. Head of Customer Relations at @%$&%# Airlines:

On May 14th, 2009 - my family and I travelled from LAX to Fort Lauderdale, Florida to celebrate the Rite of Passage (for you non-triber's, otherwise called a Bat Mitzvah) of my college room-mates' daughter. This weekend affair, for which I had to bring 3 'fancy' outfits per person for the 3 events that were to take place along with matching shoes and accessories for each of the aforementioned fancy outfits per person. Not to mention the various and sundry hair care products to tame the beast that is my head, various lotions and balms and cosmetics not available in under 3 oz. containers, as my 9 year old's entire desk at school (since she had to 'apply' for Independent Study so as not to miss any class work and homework while we were away and her absences did not count as truancies and our school would indeed receive the $32 per day per student that our near bankrupt state 'pays' our school for attendance). Additionally, we needed to haul a car seat for our 5 year old. And you can't bring it on the plane. Yes - I over packed...but that is not the point here.

All that being said, I could not stuff our lives into a carryon bag for this short trip. So we had to check our bags. I , unlike most of the passengers that travel these days, didn't try to stuff our 2500 square foot house into the overhead compartments. We bit the bullet and checked out 3 pieces of luggage onto the plane. At $15.00 per bag!!! (as an aside, the airlines made a whopping 250 cajillion dollars in profit last year by charging for checked luggage-which , while lining the pockets of the fat cat execs at the airlines , slows down the entire boarding process because most people think they can get away trying to shove their shit overhead and realizing they can't - have to check them anyway) So we paid our $30.00 - because I said the car seat is an 'assistive device' and having read and re-read the baggage policies** for the airline exclusions to the new pay to play rules...refused to pay for that and went about our merry way.

We had a connection in Dallas - as there is no longer direct non-stop flights anymore (another way the airlines are making flying so much fun) and of course, in Dallas - there was a delay of the next departing flight. According to the gate agent, there was a glitch in Chicago's Air Traffic Control system that caused all flights all around the country to be delayed (I guess a glitch before you get on a plane is better than a glitch in Air Traffic control once aboard the plane). Another gate agent told us that there were weather issues that caused the 2 1/2 hour delay. And yet another told us that there was a paperwork snafu...whatever. My point is that there was ample time to unload our crap (and the other LA to Dallas passengers' crap) from one plane to another. We had time to grab a pretzel dog (yummy, by the way) and a drink, pee 3 times, run around the terminal via the moving walkways and various and sundry escalators and sit around and commiserate with the other passengers, and make fun of the dude with actual springs (yes, you heard it right - big boingy springs) on the bottom of his sneakers. I was still calm , cool and collected thanks to the two friggin' $6.00 bloody mary's I bought on the plane ride to Dallas.

Finally - we get to Fort Lauderdale at 12:30 a.m. (an hour and half later than expected and my poor mom was there to greet us at that hour) We get off the flight and head to baggage claim. Nuthin. Oh sure, there were bags going around the conveyor... but not ours. Swirl Girl is starting to get all hot and bothered. Standing on line at the Baggage Claim Customer Service line...with everyone else who lost their bags , I storm in and demand a refund for our $30. I think my exact words were "Aren't you at least gonna buy me dinner first before you fuck me?"
Miss Minimum Wage Baggage Claim Customer Service Representative said that there was not enough time to get the bags from one plane to another. They would all be on the first available flight from Dallas in the morning and arriving in Fort Lauderdale by noon. Then , they would deliver them to our destination by 3:00 that afternoon. Hubby is handling this at this point because the threat of me 'going postal' on Shaniqua was imminent and I was asked to leave the area...yeah, it was late - I had no car seat for my kid which put us all in jeopardy of receiving a moving violation to boot. I did , however - have all the Nintendo DS and 4th grade homework assignments I could master at my disposal.

We got to my mom's at something like 2:30 and put the kids in bed - and maybe fell asleep at like 4:00am. Joy. Rapture.

Cue Friday morning - and I am off to Target to buy some bathing suits and stuff to get us through the day. Calling the airlines special lost baggage hotline to make sure our crap made it on the flight from Dallas. Hours go by...it's 3:00, it's 4:00 , it's 7:00pm and still no stuff. After many frustrating phone calls to the lost luggage department (once again, I get on the horn, 'cuz Hubby is too nice to them and I was told not to go to the airport under the threat of security hauling my frizzy haired ass out of there) and having missed the opportunity to go to the mall to go shopping for new fancy gear since we had to be at the event at 10:00 a.m. the next morning and ...no wearing yesterday's sweat pants and flip flops was not an option. At 8:00pm - our luggage arrived at my mom's house. And I'll be damned if Hubby didn't the tip the asshole who delivered it. I am sure he got paid by the hour to make these deliveries and took his dear sweet time. (grrrr).

So- we finally get our shit - and unpack it hoping it is not too wrinkled. Good thing it is so figgin' humid in Florida. Steam is a wonderul portable iron.

We go about our weekend and had a wonderful time!! Then, it is time to pack up and head back to LA. I bitched again - only this time to the right person who actually offered us $50 for the items we needed to buy while we waited for our crap. I got $50 cash money right there at the airport!! I feel slightly vindicated , but am requesting our original $30 refunded as well as all the miles (for each ticket purchased under my Hubby's frequent flyer number) for the trip as an inconvenience stipend as well as the fact that if you're going to screw this up ...you should at least make sure that all your people who are explaining why there was a screw up all tell us the same shit. Ask for forgiveness not permission for your screw up.

Oh yeah - and while I am at - next time I need to bring my antlers or javellin .(see below)..I will gladly fly @%$&%# Airlines just 'cuz I love the fact that you have been so kind to remind me to clean my skull and protect my tips.

**@%$&%">**@%$&%# Airlines Ridiculous Baggage Policies

Must be as free of residue as possible. The skull must be wrapped and tips protected.
$100 in addition to the applicable checked baggage charge, based on the number of checked bags.
70 lbs115 inches

One hanglider
$100 in addition to the applicable checked baggage charge, based on the number of checked bags.
70 lbs115 inches

One javelin
$100 in addition to the applicable checked baggage charge, based on the number of checked bags.
70 lbs115 inches
- Acceptance conditional on aircraft size and load conditions
Kayak, Boats, Sculls, Canoes
Not accepted.

One pair of oars
Charged the applicable checked bag charge for the 1st or 2nd checked bag. When in excess, each item will be subject to the
baggage charge for a single piece.
50 lbs62 inches

Pole Vault
Not accepted.

Monday, May 11, 2009

The One Which Starts With Captain Crunch Encrusted French Toast

...served in bed.

Homemade gifts are the best because...well because the kids are homemade too. Right?

Hope you all enjoyed your Day!! I did - I really did!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

WTF Wednesday - the Friday Edition

WTF Time?

It's frickin' Friday already. I thought you were only supposed to fly when you're having fun? Nope. Whoopin' it up has not occured to delay the Wednesday portion of this WTF. Just a busy Swirl Girl.

WTF Earthquakes?
Wanna know what it's like? Okay - put your arms out to the sides. Starting with the tips of your right middle finger and going through your core all the way through to the tip of your left middle finger...do "the wave".
C'mon, you know you can.
You know you want to.
That's what this one felt like. It's the 3rd or 4th one I have felt since living out here. How long did it last? As long as it takes you to put your arms out to the sides and do "the wave". It's was really loud too. Then later that night, there was another. Epicenter about 8 miles away. You have like , what - 3 seconds to think 'what to grab' and 'get out'? Oh yeah - and the kids...grab the kids, too. Them.

WTF my dentist story?
You know how when you are in college and everyone in the dorm gets their period at the same time? Well, this here sorority of a bloggy ladies seem to have all suffered dental woe. For that I am sorry. Put your big girl pants on and go get it done. While I was there there was a woman about 88 who had to have all kinds of work done. She gave me that "take care of your teeth Missy" kind of sad face.

WTF - the end of school is only 6 weeks away??
This is the time of year all the 'end ofs' occur. The end of softball season ($50.oo for coaches gifts and dinner at team party). The end of pre-school ($20 for teacher appreciation gifts, kindergarten orientation, pre-school graduation complete with cap and gown, $20.00 for obligatory graduation photo packet of pre-schooler in aforementioned cap and gown). The end of 4th grade ( book club graduation which Emily will receive her Master's degree, the 4th grade play, Open House, carnival, volunteer for this, that and the other thing).

WTF swine flu hysteria?
I get the whole concept of pandemic...but did they really think this out? Sure, one kid may have the flu - but to close an entire High School for a week? I have an idea - why not have them stay at school for a week? Sort of like an educational quarantine. Do the people in charge at the CDC that the kids are just going to stay home and study? No. They are gonna unleash on your town and spread whatever they may or may not have all over the place.
Leaving you with this...it made me laugh.

Monday, May 4, 2009

The One In Which She is Comfortably Numb

So I had to go back to the dentist today because even his office is telemarketing customers these days. No, I actually had two cavitites to fill in my 45 year old pie-hole. I am amass with fear and trepidation over any doctor visit, even more so when I know that I will be receiving some kind of treatment. So Dr. Chris, who seems to have a new baby on the way everytime I visit him (or I should say his wife is having the baby) which may explain the need for his office to telemarket and troll for patients because he is starting his own little Duggar family and awaiting the call from TLC for his reality show....sorry about that! Anyway - Dr. Chris comes in and shakes my hand...explains what we are going to do .

I tell him, as I do everytime - that I need the play -by- play and he is NOT TO SHOW ME any of the instruments of 'mass dental destruction' or I am outta there. Hell, I didn't even watch the birth of my daughters or even look at them until they were well out of the zone and the nurses cleaned them up. I plug in the earbuds of my IPod and begin to channel my inner calm when he comes at me with ....and my eyes are still open, mind you, a cotton swab loaded with a topical numbing gel. I tell him - "Dude, I said wait 'til my eyes are closed" and he says "it's just a Qtip, swirl girl...Jeez."

Okay, deep breathing and Pat Metheny cued up on the Ipod...I am good now.

So he swabs me and I am all "that wasn't so bad" then he tells me what is coming next and while he is speaking he thinks he can sneak in the Novacaine needle while I'm distracted ...as he is sneaking the needle in , I inadvertantly raised my left hand and get poked by the needle in the juicy vein in my left hand. Just a little, but enough to feel some effects of the juice. Cool.

I wait for him to stop laughing...and I have squoze my eyes waaaay tight and brings the needle to my face (which sucks, cuz I have seen it already and now I have to re- psyche myself up for it) shoves it in and leaves me alone to numb up. A few minutes later, he comes back in, drill drill drill and we're done. Dr..Chris says next time he'll prescribe a valium for me to calm me down before I come in. I said "there won't be a next time". He said "there's always a next time"**

**I gotta tell you all, if I could invent anything in the world that would be a boon to people all over the world- it would be a 100% silent dentist drill. It's not the 'pain' that I hate about a dentist visit, it's that sound. Worse than nails on a chalkboard...worse than the sound of screeching tires...that sound is the stuff of nightmares.

**I also gotta tell you - that I really wonder if I had cavities at all or did I just finance the new nursery ?? You know, because I am such a trusting soul and never doubt anyone's motives.

Needless to say I am typing this with my right hand now, since not only are my tongue and lips all wonky - but so is my hand.

Let's just say I am the worst patient any doctor would never want to have.

Which reminds me, I need to have a schmear and a squish soon. (pap and boob).

Hello , Dr. Chris - would give me a valium so I can make those appointments???