Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Hormones, that's my out -

So the fear has subsided....now I am just feeling sorry for myself.

I am blaming that on the lack of hormone in my system. I just started the Synthroid - and the Dr. says that it will take about a month to fully feel the effects. You start with a little bit and then over the next few months, we will work to discover the proper dose. And considering I didn't have any underactive hormone issues before all this happened - I am not sure what to expect.

I can deal with that. I can take a little pill every day, considering the alternative! I should be relieved and elated. No D.A.C. anymore. No further treatment. Whew!

Why the feeling sorry for myself? I still feel like crap physically. I am tingly. I have these twitchy muscle spasms. I feel like I am wading through mud with my hands. Not like over cooked meat anymore (thank god - that was like a surreal horror movie.), but just like I am plodding. I am more short tempered than usual. Notice I say - more than usual - because I am a generally short tempered person. Just ask my kid. I have no patience. But it seems these past few days I am short tempered and ornery(er).

I mean - here I am - with a terrific kid, who by all accounts is just a kid who does stupid kid shit - and I am yelling at her....or straining to yell, as my voice is still off. Which reminds me of when my dad had polyps on his vocal cords (or was it his thyroid gland?) about 30 years ago. He had a Frankenstein scar (like me) and couldn't yell. We (3) kids thought it was so cool that we could piss him off and he couldn't yell....Anyway, I feel guilty for feeling lousy, which makes me feel even more lousy, and right when I am in the middle of feeling sorry for myself - one of the kids will do something that pisses me off, and the whole cycle starts again.

This past weekend, we had the last soccer game of the season, then a bowling party. I went. I bowled. I couldn't hear anything and nobody could hear me. But I went. Then on Sunday, I couldn't even get up. I tried. I don't event think I rolled over. I slept most of the day. Wish I could say it was refreshing, but it wasn't. Happy friggin' birds chirping. Blast that kid and his basketball. What kind of dad builds a court in his backyard for his son and doesn't put it on the street like normal people? Damn that other kid who got a drum set for Christmas and actually uses it. Living in suburbia in our little P.U.D. (planned urban development) really bites sometimes.

I am back to driving here and there and everywhere. I try to do it with a smile on my puffy little face, but I just feel like crap. But - onward I plod. I have trouble concentrating. Feeling kind of weepy. Jeez, I hope it's just the hormone or lack of it.

Come to think of it, for years - I have been blaming my proverbial 'mood' on my hormones. First I had PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome ) to blame it on. Then PPMD ( the super baaad actual menstrual syndrome) - then goodbye uterus and so no more of that! Now I can blame it on the thyroid hormone! God forbid I should take responsibility for my actions...or at the very least just admit that I am a somewhat bitchy person.

What will happen when menopause rears its ugly head?

Joy, Rapture. Sorry hubby. I apologize now. Hormones, that's my out.

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