Sunday, July 20, 2008

An Open Letter to Banana Boat Extreme Sports SPF 30

Dear Sir or Madame;

I purchased a '3 for 1' special of your Extreme Sports SPF 30 in stainless steel looking manly can (that should have been my clue right there) at my Costco recently for the exceedingly low price of only $8.00. In the summer, we go through sunscreen at the rate of about 1 container a week, so when I saw this deal (just a tad more than a gallon of gas) I scooped it up.


According to directions, when used correctly and reapplied liberally after swimming - the stuff should manage to stave off the usual burn and peel on my children. Sadly, though- it also managed to eat away at my nailpolish and melt my very expensive acrylic nails! It wouldn't wash off with hot water and soap. I tried Dawn with Oxy power and steel wool. Nothing worked. I even resorted to GooGone - the miracle cleaner that removes adhesive, crayon, and all kinds of crap from your stuff. All it did was lift the ink off the bottle of solvent and chew through a perfectly good scrubber sponge. If I check closely, I don't think I have any fingerprints left on either hand.


The manly stainless steel can contained no warning that it may not be suitable for the non-sweaty beasts it was obviously intended to protect against the ravages of the sun...but I am fairly certain the product also bore a hole in my very sturdy canvas beach bag, and possibly could explain the missing pool toys in said canvas bag. A neighbors dog went missing and my pet goldfish is hiding under the rocks in her bowl. Something wicked this way comes. (cue music)

Just what of fissionable materials you are using in that stuff anyway?

I am enclosing the unused portion of my 3 can deal as well as 4 acrylic nail tips, one burned beach towel, a paperless bottle of GooGone, the remainder of my scrubber sponge and a used HAZMAT suit for your inspection. Please remit refund ($8) plus the cost of a full set with french tips ($30+$6). I'll forgive the sponge and what not. With any luck, I should get the feeling back in my hands without suffering permanant nerve damage.

Oh- by the way - It did manage to keep the sunburn off the girls- although I swore I had two of them when we went to the pool earlier today... Anywho the little one is now buff, can suddenly bench press a small farm animal and enjoys the rodeo and monster truck rallies. But- she has no skin damage from too much sun.


Sincerely yours,

64 comments:

Insane Mama said...

Oh sheesh, there I was flirting with everyone in your comments (of your previous post) and you were here writing funnier than shit stuff...At least the kids didn't get burned

Swirl Girl said...

You slay me woman!

Romi said...

I've been using that stuff for weeks.

I'm typing this comment with my toes...all of my fingers fell off this morning and my left arms startin' to feel kinda loosey goosey.

Should I be concerned? Start a petition, or something? Join a "What's Up With the Man Can" grass roots group? ;-)

Kat said...

After two weeks at the beach, we went through over 10 cans of sunscreen. My fingerprints are gone.

What I don't understand is why it took off my fingernail polish...but the polish on my toes looks as good as new...

Crazy Momma said...

Freaking hysterical!

I recently bought some spray on stuff because my kids squirm too much for me to adequately cover them with the rub in stuff.

My 6 year old got ahold of it and EMPTIED the bottle all over the inside of my car. It left such a residue I can't even scrape it off...

Makes me wonder what I am putting on my children...

Lula! said...

A used HAZMAT suit? That is seriously hysterical.

See? I know you saved money and all, but this is exactly why I refuse to part with my beloved Coppertone. It works...it smells fabulous and summery...and it doesn't take my nails off. I'm just sayin'.

Audrey said...

Wow, that's scary that this is what we are putting on our skin. Your sense of humor is delightful.

Jenny (the Biscuit) said...

Hillarious!! (Sorry about the nails.)
I am ever more resolved to stick with the "baby" formulas. You know the one with the dog pulling the baby's suit bottoms down? I figure if it's good enough for her buns...

Robin said...

You forgot to mention how you now glow in the dark like the sun, your kids can cook their own hotdogs just by touching them, and you can now reformulate your molecules in order to walk through walls. ;-)

ps. regarding your post about the concert, yes, that thought occurred to us...just couldn't write about it because the parents read my blog. Oh the censures of my life!

pps. love the new blog design. in the midst of it myself but i can't make up my damn mind!

Molly said...

Ooh I needed something to remove my nail polish, thanks for the tip!

Debbie said...

OH SWIRLGIRL...that is hilarious...Oh my gosh...that is good stuff...hazmat suit.BWAHAHAHHAHA...

And I love love love your new layout...Very swanky!

'That Girl' said...

I just think it's really cool that you have a USED hazmat suit lying around..awesome

HappyHourSue said...

That was a hilarious post!!!! We loves us some Goo Gone in our house.

Melissa said...

Glad it, at least, protected the kids from the sun. It didn't even do that for me. I sprayed my kids all over with that greasy mess and we all still burned.

Rhea said...

That's some impressive sunscreen!

I don't trust the spray cans. I don't know why. It's too easy. There has to be a catch, and now you've explained it to me. hehe

WheresMyAngels said...

Love it, but at SPF 30, I would be burnt even if it did have super powers!

CanCan said...

Sunscreen melting parts of my body? That is where I draw the LINE!

Justine said...

Holy shit! Completely hysterical! Untrue, I'm guessing (please say it was all a joke!) but frickin' funny!!!!!!!!!

Justine :o )

pocketfulsofsunshine said...

Hysterical! I bought that stuff too and it was less than useful! It sits in my closet but should be in the trash. Thanks for your post! It was a great start to my day.

Creative Junkie said...

holy crap!

I've decided only to use that stuff that just has to be sprayed on and not rubbed in. If God has meant for me to stand for twenty minutes per child and rub sunblock on every inch of their bodies multiple times a day, he would have invented 32 hour days.

angie said...

I think this just might be the greatest consumer letter ever. :)

Melissa said...

Look at it this way. At least your children will have non-leathery skin when they are 50....

I cannot share the same testimony about keeping the sunburn away. My kids are fair-skinned and it did not work on any of us. We spent 4 days in Daytona and by the second day we were nursing some pretty serious burns. I've started using Hawaiian Tropic and am having much better success.

Melissa Lester said...

Ugh, good to know. We have tried many brands of sunscreen ourselves. My favorite, though, was the cheapy aerosol one my husband tried at the beach. He lounged on the beach for hours with no idea that it had turned him blue.

Kelly Deneen said...

OMG! Your poor nails!! bwahaha! That is terrible if it really did eat away at your nails though. I will keep that stuff away from our family!

Ashley. Unscripted... said...

I just snorted reading this post. A few times. Love it. Happy SITS day!

Kim said...

that is crazy!!

Debbie said...

Hey...I think I've read this post before...and maybe even commented on it as well! It's still funny thought....

Elizabeth said...

I"m surprised the Goo Gone didn't take the rest of your nails off! According to my oncologist, stick w/ the "baby" formulas and just reapply.

nikkicrumpet said...

It must be fun living in your head! And I'll bet everyone who knows you has 6 pack abs from laughing so hard.

MomMega said...

Oh man, that description of your daughter made me spit coffee out!

Ronnica said...

Oh wow, funny stuff!

Rhea said...

This post is SO hilarious. Seriously funny stuff.

imperfectblog said...

Hilarious. I'll be checking here more often!

thotlady said...

As long as it did what it said it would do you should not be complaining.

You didn't need those fingerprints anyway. Easier segue to your life as a hardened criminal. You know how many criminals would give their eye teeth for no fingerprints...I'm just saying...

On a side note...why are eye teeth so valuable anyway?

dddiva said...

You are hilarious I am bookmarking. Really glad you are featured today.

Inspired Kara said...

Scary to think that you are putting that stuff onto your skin, and inhaling it for that matter. Sounds like some strong chemicals!!!

tanyaross said...

VERY funny in a scary kind of way...! I'll stick w/my Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Dry Touch SPF70 Sunblock w/Helioplex, TYVM - went all over Disneyland last year and SeaWorld + San Diego Zoo this year, nary a sunburn to be seen, nobody missing any significant features or body parts... ;)

Heather said...

After just making it through a week at Disney World (aka the Sauna on the Face of the Sun), my one question is: Is it sweatproof?

Because I have no such pretty nails to worry about, and frankly my kiddo could use a little bulk to her skinny-minnie figure. I also have Super Sweat, as I apparently have no trouble sweating RIGHT THROUGH the rub-on variety (SPF 45) that claims to be "sweatproof, waterproof and good for extreme sports" - perhaps walking through Disney World with a 5 year old is just too extreme...

Anyhow, if they won't take your 3 can deal back, send it my way and I'll throw it in our bin for next year's trip to WDW!

Cheers!

Evi said...

SO...did you get your money and you nails yet?

Party of 5 said...

UGH I hate sunscreen. They destroied my acrylis nails as well (when I was getting them). It's a wonder that stuff is even safe.

Cristin said...

I remember this one too... why the hell wasn't I commenting??

I spent most of this summer broken out in a rash from sunblock... I'm so glad summer's over..

Michelle said...

Yep, I've learned very carefully to avoid fingernails with that stuff. Also beware bugspray. That's actually even worse than the aerosol sunscreen. Good luck avoiding the sun!

Tabitha Blue said...

LOL, that's hilarious. I hate that stuff. There are a few out there that make EVERYTHING all gooey... gross.

Kat said...

I have now decided that the indoor aquatic center is where it's at. No sunscreen necessary.

deconstructing jen said...

Oh my that may be the funniest thing I've ever read. Seriously what are they putting in that. And I hope you get your set of acrylics. ;)

Dee said...

Wow, scary stuff - industrial strength sunscreen, what next?.

Dee said...

I just googled Banana boat extreme sports and you post is top of the list!!!!! Good advertising for them.. ha ha

wendy said...

I love the spray-on sunscreen! We got the new, SPF 70 for our latest beach trip! Not nearly as frightening as your stuff, though!

Happy SITS day!

mrsmouthy said...

Yowzer, that's funny--especially since I read "sweaty beasts" as "sweaty breasts." I bought the same tri-pack of sunscreen, used the little bottle of cream, and trashed the spray ones after we blocked up in the bathroom and the next day the floor was gone.

Z's Mom said...

You are one funny gal!!!

Mrs. S said...

I thought I had a problem with the steel can ones....they're supposed to be non-rub and spray evenly. Mine sprays in a straight line...and I have to rub that stuff in!

Emily said...

your kids sound like mine...

Debbie Y. said...

I am a vampire. I don't get out in the sun, mainly because I won't put that slick, greasy, stinky gooey, sunblock anywhere near my body and I burn so easily that I have to wear something to step my foot out into the sunlight.

That crap will eat a hole in almost anything, it's like acid or something. Be very careful and be very afraid. Are you and your kids glowing green yet?

Caroline said...

That's disturbing on many levels. I don't think I've ever experienced sunscreen the likes of that. YIKES! Thanks for the warning.

Vicki said...

Hilarious!! Is this why my 19 month old princess girl all the sudden sounds like Bubba?

misspro312 said...

I was a little late to the party but this is funny! Happy SITS day!

verygoodyear said...

Oh man, now I know what to avoid next summer... !

Tiffany said...

I have 3 words that will change your life:

Rocky Mountain Sunscreen.

Hairline Fracture said...

Holy crud! That is some dangerous stuff! Don't think I'd want that on my lily-white skin!

Tracy P. said...

Oooh, that is some scary stuff! Go get em. I'm late for your party, but wanted to say hi anyway. I see your oldest is about four days younger than mine, so I know exactly how busy you are, and you understand why I'm late!

Michelle said...

Don't the Banana Boat people realize that it's usually the MOM applying the stuff to their kids, so why on earth do they have to make the can appealing to MEN? When I bought this stuff, Hubby saw it on the counter and said,
"Cool can, what's that" Upon further investigation, he realized it was just sunblock, put it down and said, "oh." I don't think he's touched it since.

Rela Pantaleon-Manigsaca said...

that sounds like toxic chemicals there! I get allergic reaction with regular and strong sunscreen (SPF 30 woo hooo see me swell!) Despite my melanin-rich skin, I still use baby sunscreen when I am not being lazy! Otherwise, avoid the sun!

Tammy Kling said...

ROTFL. My condolences to your little girl...er...boy...uh, man?

kristibonney said...

You've got me in stitches!