Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Cat Scratch Fever

The Cat-Tastrophe Close Up

So I like to think of myself as a good neighbor. Go on vacation, I'll take in your mail, your newspapers, water your plants, wheel your trash barrels back to behind the gate, and feed your fish. Just don't ask me take care of your cat. Ever again.

I did all those things for my neighbors....with pleasure. And, I did offer to take care of the cat. At their house, of course. My kids are allergic (thank god) and I , well I just can't stand them (cats not kids ) So after a brief lesson -on the phone- in cat-sitting...I promised to go the neighbors house (you have to feed them every day?) for 9 days to do my neighborly thing. Let me preface this by saying that I always thought cats were aloof and didn't need people to do anything for them other than use a can opener. If they had opposable thumbs, they wouldn't need us at all. And, I also thought cats who stayed in the house all the time were de-clawed so they wouldn't scratch up the upholstery. WRONG on both counts.

So- day one I go in the house, and I feel bad for the thing. So I pet it and scratch it behind the ears listening for the tell tale 'purrrr' that cats are supposed to do. I go upstairs to the kids' bath where the cat box is. It's following me in a sort of playful yet sort of 'watch cat' kind of way.
I take care of business (who knew cat poo was the size of a small shetland pony? ick) fill the water and top off the Little Friskies for it. Whew! That was easy. I can DO this! It. Likes. Me. WRONG on both counts.
Day two: I go to the house. I put the mail in the little basket and proceed to pet the cat. This time, he is purring, but has a wild look in his cat's eyes. I get the requisite purr and he rubs his cat self up against my leg. He is lonely and I start to feel sorry for him. I take an extra minute to scratch his little cat ears and fluff up his furry cat body. I go upstairs. He follows closely almost tripping me up as he sidewinds up the stairs. "go away cat" (maybe that was my downfall) . "Show me your shit" Cats don't respond to commands like a dog or a 4 year old.
I reach the cat box (why would someone want this in their house anyway?) and bend down to retrieve a bag and the pooper scooper. The fucking thing jumps on my back. You'da thought it was a frickin' lion the way I let out a wail! "Get off cat!" I don't want to hit it 'cuz it's not mine. He starts nipping at my hand and ankles. I am working furiously to get this over with. I bag up the remains (of the litter box, not the cat) and get the hell out of there.
Days 3-8: Pretty much the same as before. Toward the end of the week, I am thinking he doesn't like me either. He knows I am not sticking around for some kitty love and he's pissed and wants me to know it. That's when he bit me. Full on fangs on flesh. That Darn Cat bit me!
I took a photo so you could see the two little red dots (not the brown freckly sun damage spots) are where he drew blood! I screamed at him and really wanted to backhand him (using a bat)
He left me extra large gifts in the litter box and kicked the litter shit all over the room. This time. I am smart and close the door while I'm cleaning up the crap. He's outside the door "meowing" and sticks his paw as far under the door as possible reaching open pawed like a scene from a teen horror flick. I am scared to death...how am I gonna get out now! (deep cleansing breath now Swirl Girl, you can DO this)I open the door and bolt with my bag of poo. Hubby said if it were him, it woulda been the last meal that cat would have ever eaten. I think I left blood droplets on the floor for the CSI guys, in case there was any questions.
Day 9: I am dreading this. I decide I will wear jeans with soccer shin guards underneath. I walk in - no rubby dubby lovey kitty bum bum this time. I tell it to "GO AWAY!" It's nipping at my feet. I keep walking fast so it can't sink it's fangs into me again. "GO AWAY you frickin' cat!" This time he left me litter all over the floor, cat food kicked all around, Lincoln Logs in the catbox and what I can only surmise is a hairball in his food dish. EEeww! I've only heard of those things and saw one in Shrek II, but just eeewww.
Needless to say, I am glad neighbors are home. Their fish was a dream to take care of. Nary a whimper or a nip. The cat? Never again.
Did I tell you his name is Nova? Not as in the smoked fish or as in Scotia, but as in the pain blocker. The neighbors last name is Cain. Seriously.
I hate cats.


Weith Kick said...

Too funny! When we go on vacation we leave our dog with family and we leave the cat alone, by herself, with a giant size tub of food and water and an even bigger bucket full of cat litter. Cats Can Take Care of Themselves. We left our cat alone for two weeks once and she was fine when we came back. There was a shit load of shit in the litter box to clean up, but otherwise everything was fine. Thank you for turning your pain into some reading pleasure.

Nik said...

WHEW! OH MY GOSH! I can't believe the cat flipped out on you like that. I've never really been fond of cats, I'm allergic to them as well. But my SIL and BIL came through here one time on a move so we let the cats out in our garage (with no cars) to roam for the night. We heard the cats fighting so my husband went out there and the cat ran STRAIGHT up his leg and was about to do some damage when BIL (thankfully so my hubby didn't have to make a decision) knocked him off.

WHAT ON EARTH has gotten into those animals?!?!

I guess if there was a Day 10 you would have had to rent a full set of knights armor to go in there. SHEESH...TO ARMS!

Anonymous said...

Finally, a fellow cat hater! I always get looks of horror when I say I don't like cats, but seriously, they are horrid horrid creatures! And your neighbor's cat is the most horrid of all! I hope you show your neighbors all of your war wounds and let them feel guilty!

Keys to the Magic Travel said...

Oh, no! We have a hermit cat. If you were to take care of mine the only way you'd know we had a cat would be the gifts he'd leave in the litter box. While we were at the beach, I'd ask my hubby if he saw Todd. And in the two weeks we were gone - he saw a black blur twice.

Cats are strange creatures. But I am sorry you ran into an attack cat!

Unknown said...

OMG! I laughed out loud when you wrote that it jumped on your back and you yelled like a lion had attacked you, and pawed and swiped at you just like a horror movie creature under the door.

Thanks for the laugh of the day.

What did ya think of that earthquake today?

Insane Mama said...

What a freakish weird cat. I don't like cats either. You are a good neighbor.. But I wouldn't do it again.

Robin said...

BAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry I am laughing at your expense but that shit is so funny!

Is it me or does that cat have a seriously large bite mark? Note to self - never go near a cat again..

PS. Hope he had his shots
PPS. If you start foaming at the mouth, you mayyyy want to see a doc soon. ;-)

Luv ya :-)

M said...

You made perfect sense..........thanks :)

Lula! said...

I was feeling your ire 'til I got to the part about his name...Nova Cain? OK, that's just plain hysterical.

OK, back to feeling your pain. I'm sorry. But you endured. And now you never have to do it again.

Fannie said...

I don't think I would have gone back after the damn thing bit me! Oh, and I'm with Weith. When we had a cat we'd leave her in the basement with huge amounts of food and water plus an extra litter box. Never a problem.

Fannie said...

I don't think I would have gone back after the damn thing bit me! Oh, and I'm with Weith. When we had a cat we'd leave her in the basement with huge amounts of food and water plus an extra litter box. Never a problem.

Cristin said...


If that thing attacked me like that, hubby would have been helping me to dispose of the body and come up with a good story to tell the neighbors. For. Real.

Unknown said...

You are a better woman that I. After the first attack that damn cat would not have been feed until the neighbors returned. He/She would have survived right? Hell, I would not have cared drawing blood would have been a deal breaker!

Anonymous said...

We used to leave our 2 cats alone when we went on vacation. We'd leave the garage door open enough for them to get out but not wide enough to let a burglar in. All that stopped the day we came home to feathers all over the house, a 1/2 chewed bird on the kitchen counter and a strange cat sleeping on MY pillow upstairs. One of our own cats was mia for a week. Those kitties all took a secret oath because no one would talk. Seven years later and we still don't know what happened or where our cat got that tattoo.

Teri said...

I was busting out laughing here. Cats are so damn smart. The only cat I EVER had a problem with was my bonus(step) daughter's cat. When I married her dad a few years ago, that damn cat did the purring thing then proceded to bite the hell out of me and my kids every freakin' day. And he would jump on my pillow forcing me to have to pick him up. I am a huge cat lover, but I totally hate that cat. He no longer lives here. :-)

Sue Wilkey said...

You didn't get PAID for this torture? Well, I guess you got paid in blog material. :) very funny and gross. Blech.

-Bridget said...

You are quite the dedicated neighbor. They owe you big time!

Wineplz said...

Dude! what a nasty cat! If you ever feel neighborly towards me, feel free to watch my three kitties and two dogs. And while my cats aren't declawed either (the process entails cutting off the tips of each toe, as in the bone), I do trim their nails and they are ridiculously friendly. And I'd have you meet face to face...cuz I'm nice like that. And I'd pay you in homemade jam.
Can you tell I'm desparate for a pet sitter for a few days?