Sunday, February 17, 2008

Feelings .Nothing More than Feelings.Trying to Forget My, Feelings of......

I am generally a fearful person. Just ask hubby. I am afraid of trains, planes, automobiles, open water, things touching me when I am in open water. Hubby says I have a general fear of transportation. I am afraid of just about anything that has wheels- steering or otherwise. I used to say I'll be one of those old ladies, with like 20 cats, who everyone is afraid of; A recluse who takes taxi's to the pharmacy for her anxiety pills because she is afraid to drive. And that'll be when I'm like 45. And I hate cats.

I am afraid of doctor's, walking out of a public restroom with toilet paper stuck to my shoe, letting my family down, being discovered to be the whimp I really am....I am afraid of not being in control.

Oddly enough, I am not one of those who is afraid to be alone, or afraid of thunderstorms. or afraid of dying. But I am afraid of being lonely, afraid of world war, and afraid of dying young.

I absoutely hate my hair. Since I have been living in California, I have been blowing my hair dry. The past 10 days or so. it hurts to llft my hands above my head. It hurts to lift my chin so as to hold it back to blow dry my hair. I am curly, it looks weird to me and I hate it. Can't wait for the day it doesn't hurt to do so- then bye-bye Whoopee Goldberg hair!!

I have been wearing scarves on my neck since the surgery. Maybe that can be 'my thang'. Although the swelling and bruising has gone down considerably, I still have what looks like a golf ball in my neck. So, I have been wearing scarves to go out in public. How chic! As odd as it sounds, people do look at you with a sort of sympathetic glare. I bet I subconsciously did it as well . If I saw a woman wearing a head scarf or turbin, I would say she had cancer, and probably hold the door open for her or something lame like that. The other day at the mall with my girls, I got looks. I mean, Christ- it's like 70 degrees here. Who wears a friggin' scarf?

Just today, my friend Jami took me to the indian reservation casino for a girl's day. (thanks - my favorite pastime!) and there were tons of people wearing scarves. It was cold in there. But all I could thing was they were looking at me as if I had the scarf on to hide some plastic surgery scar. But then they'd look at the hair and think, this chick didn't need plastic surgery, just a good hair stylist.

getting fat(ter):
I know, I know....who gives a shit. I'm not fat, just fluffy!

With no thyroid, I will have to be on thyroid hormone replacement medication for the rest of my life. But before I can do that, I have to make sure that this cancer thing is in check and to do that- you stop all thyroid meds for a period of time before the radioactive iodine treatment. You go super hypothyroid (which means underactive = lethargic, dry skin, always cold, and get fat. At least that is what I am told. I already live in sweat pants, what a looker I'll be!

Good thing I have these scarves for the getting cold part.

Can you picture this now? A scarf in summer-wearin', sweat pant sportin', curly bed-head fat lady with 20 cats???? And I hate cats.

Being the center of attention:
I hate being the center of attention. Except on my wedding day. That was the one day that being the center of attention was okay. Don't confuse being the center of attention with being the boss of things. Oh no, that I like. Remember, I like being in control.

What I mean is, I don't like the sympathy. I know people mean well, and they love me (or like me , or tolerate me, or like my husband)and just want to help...but I don't want to talk about this unless I WANT TO. I don't want to be in the position of making other people feel better about this. I am having trouble doing that for myself.

I will make an exception for children , though. Especially my kids and my neice and nephews who have hard such a hard past few months and people being sick and some of them dying.

Look, the fact is that no cancer is good cancer. I rationalize this whole situation by saying that if you had to have cancer, Thyroid cancer is the one to have because it very rarely spreads outside the organ itself. It responds well the Radioactive Iodine Ablation (RIA) and so what, you go on a hormone replacement pill forever? Quite frankly, I always thought if I was going to get a cancer, it would be an unsympathetic "you brought it on yourself by smoking" kind of cancer. Christ, I bet some people don't even know where their friggin' thyroid is!

But, with my track record with 2 'didn't go as planned' surgeries and 'this doesn't happen often', and percentages of this, that and the other things that don't swing in my favor - something will get fucked up. It is out my control. And, I hate that.

Aside from being a self-conscious control freak, can you tell I am a pessimist as well? My wine glass is always half empty. Hence the need for more wine!! And, I am not drinking any fucking merlot...If they order the merlot, I am outta here!


danielle said...

well this blog effected me more than the last one did.. I'm not sure if its because i just got off the phone with you or what. but this whole situation sucks. and I'm afraid. I'm always the first one to try and hide my feelings but i cant hide these anymore. to be honest, these past two months have sucked. its so hard to face these things. and for you to face this and talk about it with Emily or myself, just makes you that much stronger. you are my hero Aunty Wendy. i wish i had the guts to talk about half the things going on in life like you do. i love you Aunty Wendy.

Swirl Girl said...

This is another response from an old friend....

well you think you have it bad then you read something like this. kinda
makes the fact that i can't shower in my own shower for the next week or so
(complete bathroom renovation currently underway) seem oh-so-insignificant.
what a bummer. i actually read it the other day, and have been 'digesting'.

i did google 'herthel cell' and i am scared, too.

and if it makes you feel any better, i have some of the same bizarro fears
you do....the things touching me in water really hit home, and i have such
'logistical anxiety' when it comes to flying that i have to take an atavan
BEFORE I EVEN GET ON THE LOGAN EXPRESS BUS. pathetic. and i have always had
the fear of being fat. hell, i am fat, just not obese - YET.
i think we just become much less brave as we get older. remember how
fearless we used to be?

so after reading todays blog i am unsure about prognosis - at the end of the
day what are you looking at? i know you don't want sympathy, and i wouldn't
count on getting a huge amount from me - my boyfriend says i am the most
unsympathetic person he knows. just the facts ma'am, if you wouldn't mind
taking the time. in a nutshell would suffice...don't need every gory detail.

i am real sorry to hear about this. not sure what to say beyond that except
that i am thinking of you - A LOT.

the blog is awesome - keep it coming. you always had a quick mind a great
sense of humor. i like reading it.

got your card, and your mom sent me one, too. both real nice. the girls are

hope to hear from you soon.

- jodi

Kgirl said...

You say you FEAR...the difference in you my friend and the hand wringing, nervous wreck individual sitting next to me on the plane is that you desire to overcome or at least face your fears head on. If you remember, you knocked on my door the first day into the neighborhood and yes, you were visibly nervous with your voice shaking a bit. BUT, you did it. By the way, did I ever thank you for doing it? If not..THANKS!!! You have always had a certain amount of stoicism in your outlook on things which has given me my own strength in troubled times. However, always tell yourself that YOU are the one that is going through troubled times and that if you need to scream, sob in crumpled heep in bed or eat an entire serving of what ever sinfull treat you crave, you are entitled! It may keep you in those sweatpants a little longer but what the hell..Just know you have a wealth of friends out here pulling for you. Love ya Wendy....thanks for being ALWAYS being you....Kathy