The One In Which She is Comfortably Numb

So I had to go back to the dentist today because even his office is telemarketing customers these days. No, I actually had two cavitites to fill in my 45 year old pie-hole. I am amass with fear and trepidation over any doctor visit, even more so when I know that I will be receiving some kind of treatment. So Dr. Chris, who seems to have a new baby on the way everytime I visit him (or I should say his wife is having the baby) which may explain the need for his office to telemarket and troll for patients because he is starting his own little Duggar family and awaiting the call from TLC for his reality show....sorry about that! Anyway - Dr. Chris comes in and shakes my hand...explains what we are going to do .



I tell him, as I do everytime - that I need the play -by- play and he is NOT TO SHOW ME any of the instruments of 'mass dental destruction' or I am outta there. Hell, I didn't even watch the birth of my daughters or even look at them until they were well out of the zone and the nurses cleaned them up. I plug in the earbuds of my IPod and begin to channel my inner calm when he comes at me with ....and my eyes are still open, mind you, a cotton swab loaded with a topical numbing gel. I tell him - "Dude, I said wait 'til my eyes are closed" and he says "it's just a Qtip, swirl girl...Jeez."

Okay, deep breathing and Pat Metheny cued up on the Ipod...I am good now.

So he swabs me and I am all "that wasn't so bad" then he tells me what is coming next and while he is speaking he thinks he can sneak in the Novacaine needle while I'm distracted ...as he is sneaking the needle in , I inadvertantly raised my left hand and get poked by the needle in the juicy vein in my left hand. Just a little, but enough to feel some effects of the juice. Cool.

I wait for him to stop laughing...and I have squoze my eyes waaaay tight and brings the needle to my face (which sucks, cuz I have seen it already and now I have to re- psyche myself up for it) shoves it in and leaves me alone to numb up. A few minutes later, he comes back in, drill drill drill and we're done. Dr..Chris says next time he'll prescribe a valium for me to calm me down before I come in. I said "there won't be a next time". He said "there's always a next time"**

**I gotta tell you all, if I could invent anything in the world that would be a boon to people all over the world- it would be a 100% silent dentist drill. It's not the 'pain' that I hate about a dentist visit, it's that sound. Worse than nails on a chalkboard...worse than the sound of screeching tires...that sound is the stuff of nightmares.

**I also gotta tell you - that I really wonder if I had cavities at all or did I just finance the new nursery ?? You know, because I am such a trusting soul and never doubt anyone's motives.

Needless to say I am typing this with my right hand now, since not only are my tongue and lips all wonky - but so is my hand.

Let's just say I am the worst patient any doctor would never want to have.

Which reminds me, I need to have a schmear and a squish soon. (pap and boob).

Hello , Dr. Chris - would give me a valium so I can make those appointments???

WTF Wednesday

WTF with the IRS? April 15th has come and gone. The source for much tension around these parts. Since giving up my paying career for my non-paying job 7 years ago...I had been relegated to the title of Taxpayer Spouse. They don't accept Domestic Goddess or Prime Minister as occupation for a SAHM. This year, in an effort to curb costs, the IRS has a way to file the Not EZ forms via the internet. I didn't see the form. I didn't sign the form. I am not even a person anymore. WTF?



WTF with my 9 year old? Two days ago she was Flatsy Patsy. Today she has real live actual little boob-nubs. When I mentioned it to her, she about jumped out of her Sketchers with tweener glee. She said she needs to start wearing push-up camisoles. She is gonna drive me to drink (earlier than usual) Oh hell, it's four o'clock somewhere. Hubby said he noticed the nubs a few days ago..but hasn't stopped shuddering since. Straight up or on the rocks, dear?

WTF miss California? Opposite marriage ? Really? I get the stink you are making. I (sort of) .. agree that if your opinion wasn't wanted, it shouldn't have been requested. You were asked a loaded question (by a loaded asker, I might add)and answered truthfully . But, dear Miss, it wasn't what you said that caused the loss of the crown...it was your delivery. If Miss America is about 'purity', then Miss USA is about 'maturity'. You're not showing a whole lot. We have already exhausted more collective energy on your bitching than the whole matter is worth. You're getting more press than the actual winner. Sour grapes only make good whine.

WTF Vegas? Last weekend in Vegas - we were staying at Planet Hollywood where the Miss USA pageant was held. I have never seen more beautiful people in my life. And moms, sisters, little nieces of the contestants? Lovely. We had a chance to talk to many of them, and their entourage of supporters ( and a large cadre of stylists , (read:gay men)) . They were really very poised and 'on' all the time. What a great time we had. But - WTF Vegas? I go but twice a year to reinvigorate my groove; to feel good about myself. We all know that a good brisk walk down Las Vegas Boulevard usually does wonders for one's ego. The Strip represents middle America. People who would pay $25 for a one ounce of alcohol blue 'drink' in a souvenier Eiffel Tower stein complete with neck strap (you know, so you can give the man a dollar to pet his lizzard- and I mean the amphibian). Vegas is one gigantic buffet of average. Not this weekend. I'm afraid it was me who was in buffet line this go around. Please don't tell me I need to vacation in Pigeon Forge next year.

Totally off subject here, but I saw Mr. Big ...yessiree, Chris Noth. On the roullette table. He's yummy. And while not tall, he is beefy where he should be beefy. I got a chance to slide over and slip him my tongue and mention that I was a big fan. He was gracious. Yum. I managed not to embarrass myself totally, like I did with George. Clooney. Yeah that's right. I had no chance of sharing any me-time with Mr. Big with all those gorgeous contestants and their swooning stylists roaming around.

WTF with my brother and his wife? Facebook knew my bro had shoulder surgery yesterday before his mother and sisters knew. He's fine, the whole thing was successful and all - and that is good news. But even though I usually don't 'dis' family on here, but they don't read this anyway. They probably don't even know it exists. I just don't get why they didn't tell us - their family - and post to their (her) Facebook friends ...My mom is hurt and angry and rightly so. She found out from my sister's email . This is not a case of "I didn't want to worry you" or anything...this is a case of " I don't think about you ". I love my brother, but sometimes...I don't like him very much.

WTF with my teeth? I am forty-fuckin-five years old and I have two cavities. I blame my parents for this one. Dental health is largely hereditary. Add genetics to the fact that I have no calcium production (hypocalcemia) and I'm looking at osteoporosis and rapid(lier than most) tooth decay.

Phriday's Photos...

I bet you think I shorcircuited the Papa Smurf, thus burning my , um...'hands'...and that's why I haven't posted in a week. Nope!

Not so - I had my semi annual girls' weekend in Vegas last weekend! And, for once, what happened there didn't stay there (yes, folks...there was a Santa Claus). When I go to Vegas, I go for 3 nights and one day (can you say 'round the clock?) My mom and sister were winners too! I don't know, but I saw no signs of economic slowdown - it was packed! It was a great weekend and it was even better when you win. Trust me.

So I am making this one short and sweet (because some things that happen in Vegas do actually stay there) and not going to go on about my weekend. Yet.

I will, however, play along with Candid Carrie and put up some wonderful pictures of our day at the beach a few weeks ago. The sky was so blue that even Crayola couldn't reproduce it. The air was crisp and cool, so there were no other people at the beach. Just us, a kite and the camera. Then, we hit a pharmer's market and got 3 phlats of strawberries for $5.oo. I love those kinds of days!

oh, and the photos?

I just love the way the girls and Hubby look as they watch the Panda kite go forth and conquer.