Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The One (what? only one?) with the Frilly Blog Award

I got this from that stud my buddy Kevin over at Always Home and Uncool. There are quite a few Daddy blogs that I read daily. Take it from me, Kevin may always be home...but he is anything but Uncool. In fact, he comments on my comments to his comments about my comments on his posts. In fact, one could almost say that I may actually 'talk' to Kevin more than own Hubby! I definitely yell at him less, and don't complain about money - or the job, or the kids, or anything. Excuse me, I don't yell. - I speak with emphasis.

And what to do with this Bloggy Bling?? I am to bestow it to other wonderful Bloggy friends... so here goes:

Nikki at Blah, Blah Blog who has exquisite taste {wink, wink}and hysterical 'I Wish Wednesday's" posts.

Brittany at Barefoot Foodie who is ready to pop out another child and quite frankly, I can't afford a real baby shower gift. Seriously, she is frickin' hysterical and gives a whole new meaning to the word Earth Mother.

Carrie of Candid Carrie who has more followers for just one of her Phriday Photo Phiesta's than I've had in over a year of blogging - total! She is also a new mom!!

Lee over at Moms Without Blogs who is a new friend. I am trying to suck up to her so she'll interview me...Subtlety has never been my strong suit, what can I say?

Cristin at Tiptoeing Through The Tulips who was one of my very first. Commentors. I know I might have met her before. Maybe even eaten that tiny piece of paper she put on my tongue at a Dead show once. ...or was it a Scarlett Begonia?

And although I could go on and on.... but you folks better read the "what to do with the Frilly Blog Award " disclaimer attached and do what you are told.

Frilly Blog Award Disclaimer:
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to {sic}bunches of bloggers who must choose {sic}bunches of more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

Now onto the real heart of this post. This is how I blog...I usually scroll through my daily reads and sometimes steal get inspiration from their posts. I have a wad of used tissues and receipts with little notes on them so when something strikes me as blogworthy fodder - I always have some dried up snot thing to write about. But sometimes, I get some ideas from the comments I leave on other people's blogs. I literally crack myself up! My response when Kevin bestowed the Frilly Blog Award was something to the affect of " well, it's no independent pleasuring device or a free coffee card - but it doesn't make my ass look fat in these sweat pants!" Yup- totally slayed myself on that one.
Which leads me (in a very circuitous route) to this:
WARNING: The following contains some very personal and ersatz erotica so if you are my mom or anyone who has seen me in a diaper...please just back away from the monitor and remove your fingers from the keyboard. NOW!

Without a doubt, you have all seen the myriad of pleasuring devices being 'donated', 'test driven' and 'reviewed ' on these here interwebs. Well, Swirl Girl got herself a toy - affectionately dubbed 'Papa Smurf' . Drew (as in I'm not sure if it is Drew as is Barrymore or Drew as in Cary which if it is the latter ...kinda freaks me out a little) of Eden Fantasys reached out to me via my comments on another horny stay at home mommy blogger's site (hello SMTMVM) and asked if I'd like to give one of these babies a whirl...so I said SURE THING! I am to write a straight up review (which I don't know if I can actually do without my own special brand of Swirly snark) and he/she may give me another one to give away . So without further adieu....
Meet The Insatiable G show. Not to be confused in any way with Da Ali G show...(cuz I gave up on that show on HBO when Borat came out cuz that just wasn't funny)
{Don't you just love how show it next to two tomatoes? It's a vibrator! No , it's a pizza sauce mixer! }
What it is - it is a " hygienically superior Silicone insatiable G™features a clitoral stimulator with pleasure nodules and a flickering tongue and a wide curved, flexible and resilient G-spot stimulator.

The easy-grip controller works with two removable bullets that can be used to vibrate the clitoral and G-spot stimulators simultaneously or independently and provides seven intense functions: the first three functions vibrate from low to very powerful, the fourth is a pattern of short and long bursts of vibration, the fifth pulsates rapidly, the sixth pulsates gently then roughly and the seventh function escalates.

With a wide range of pulsating combinations and dual motors, this toy is assuredly "designed to hit the mark with unparalleled precision."
What it did for me? First of all - just the thought of using the toy got the 'business done" in no time at all.. I really like the dual action. And I liked the different vibration intensities. There is one particular setting (number six?) that rises and falls and rises and falls and rises and falls and ........goehtoihygoljaew...oops, just fell off my chair! Sorry about that!
I also liked that it is sort of a ' insert tab A into flap B' sort of gizmo. Meaning that you don't need to maneuver Papa Smurf once it is placed in the flap B. So even those of us with Tennis Elbow can use it, and you don't have to fumble with going leftie. There is a remote control with a lengthy 'tow line' so you can literally lay back and 'get your PBS' on. (heaven forbid it should slip too far into the abyss....you can tow it out)
I did think it was kind of loud - so forget the discreet "be right back, kids" while you slip into your bathroom for a quickie. Not too loud mind you - certainly nothing that couldn't be drowned out by my pleasure giggles. And I am not sure what the 'removable bullets' are supposed to do. I couldn't get them out...nor was I planning on having an orgasm then knocking over the convenient store for an Icee when I was done - so they look nice and all shiny ...but what are they for?
And I do like the fact that it looks like a sex toy. I must say that while perusing the site Eden Fantasy for my toy of choice - there were many adorable dildos that looked like rubber duckies or cute little dolphins or ladybugs wearing an army helmet. I could see my girls finding one of those and , thinking it a bathtub toy - they'd get the shock of their young lives.
So on a scale of 1 to 10...I'll give the Insatiable G a 7.5 (damned Russian judge) It's got a great beat and you can totally dance to it. Solo. And let me just add: in words immortalized by the God -father of Soul himself.
"I Feel Good" and "Papa's got a brand new bag!! "


Candid Carrie said...

1. I have that one! No not really. Or do I?

2. I can't believe that you talked about Kevin and orgasm in the same post. I wish I would have thought of that first. I'll do the same but I will talk about Literal Dan and orgasm and he can tell me how I said it wrong. He's cool but he is quite literal.

3. You need to link this post to the site where these fine items are made because you should get a part of all profit. And then keep that profit for yourself because you deserve it.

4. Get ready to show up on every single google sex search for the next three months. Your statcounter is going to go crazy! Get yourself some kind of gig where you get paid per page hit.

69. Ha ha ha ! ! Isn't it fun to be this raunchy in someone else's comment section? I totally referenced sixty nine.

70. I almost feel off my chair (actually I don't have a chair I have a giant exercise ball that I perch on) thinking about you and Mr. Smurf.

69 again. I had a cheap blue one that was loud and clunky and I named it Big Blue.

70. This is the best review I've read. And I read my own reviews so that is really a compliment.

69 again. Isn't it crazy awesome to just totally crack yourself up? I find myself with no one to call and tell them about the funny comment I left for some one.

74. I totally left an entire post over here.

75. Thank you for the award. Your timing is incredible.

76. Mr. Smurf will make you a better mother. You will be less anxious and he will take the edge off. People look at women that have ten, twelve kids like they are amazing and no, they just have a really good vibrator!

Love, Carrie

P.S. The award is really cool too.

Kevin McKeever said...

Now my name and the phrase "clitoral and G-spot stimulators" will forever be linked on the Internet.


Gotta call my Mom.

nikkicrumpet said...

I came to say THANKS for the blogging bling...then I read your post and got all flustered and blushy and stuff. I love the description...I chortled through the whole thing. They should have you write their descriptions of the product. I'm just not sure how I feel about being part of a masturbation post rofl

Cristin said...

Oh... Um....award?? What award???all I can remember is being pleasured by a Smurf....

for a different kind of girl said...

I'm downright giddy that this post contains mention of two of my favorite things - Kevin and g-spot stimulation. Like peanut butter and jelly, baby!

I suspect there's something quiet Freudian about those two tomatoes hanging out there. I also suspect I'd fall in love with that device!

Kind of like I have with Kevin...



Anonymous said...

Oh dude.

I am not sure how I am supposed to feel when my beautiful suck-up bloggy bling award is partnered with a vibrator review. I am so utterly confused by what I am supposed to do right now...hmmmm.....

All I can say is

1) I'm gonna interview you. Soon.
2) Thanks for sucking up?
3) Vibrator reviews are closing in around me in bloggyland and I'm afraid I'm gonna be the only chick in town who has never done one. A review. Or a vibrator. I know....whaaaaa?????

Anonymous said...

Did you ever find out what to do with the tomatoes???

Susan said...

I knew I loved your for some reason! And damn, I don't know Kevin so I'll be sure to check him out... and while I have many toys, Papa Smurf is sure to be a new addition.



Thanks for the tip.

Ashley said...

So... I wasn't expecting this. You started off with the award.. then there was some kitchen utensil (so I thought) next to some tomatoes.... then whoops! we are into a totally new world of reviews that I have never seen in the blogosphere.

Hehe! But good review. ;)

Fritzie said...

I think you should have titled this one The One Where Swirl Girl Gets Off .. =-)

Seriously, though what is up with the tomatoes? Are they supposed to represent .. testicles?

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

So, us single gals need a good device every now and then and this one sounds great. I especially like the remote control device ..... like you could be totally sitting back and watching Sawyer on Lost and realizing some of your fantasies! (Come on; everyone needs a bad boy fantasy!)

So, how do I get to test run such things?

The Blonde Duck said...

I feel very knowlegable now.

jill jill bo bill said...

Pleasure and dose of vitamin C to go along with it. You amaze me. I am almost positive your mom read that and was actually proud.

sassy stephanie said...

Whaddup with the tomatoes? You should have made some snarky pasta sauce with it. Then written a review on that as well.

bejewell said...

Wow. This post really had a little bit of everything, didn't it?

Pure awesomeness.

Ash said...


Did you get a free set of knives?

Bananas or cucumbers I would have gotten. Tomatoes? Just too subtle for this chica.

Justine said...

Lemme just say that I totally can't remember what the first part of your post was about!
I swear, I was getting the twitches just reading this shit. Send it to me! Well, soak it in bleach first, but damn, I NEED one of those!!!!!!!!!

Justine :o )

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh girl, you totally shocked me!

Mariah said...

I want one. I have one from Eden fantasies, but it's um.. REALLY big and Um I can't um figure out what type of woman could um use it. It um well you it um scares me

Claremont First Ward said...

Congrats! Well deserved. :)

Aunt Becky said...

I SO need a new dilby. And the tomatoes by it? Cracked my ass up.

Bottles Barbies And Boys said...

Woman, you should warn people before you write such stuff. You bad girl!
How am I supposed to get up and cook super now?
Hubby's gonna come home and wonder what I'm so excited for!
*I'm so fumbled I can't even type*
Didn't you say something about a give away? ;)
I see a brawl coming on...(Throw some mud in here and then you'll really have something!)

M said...

Well you know, I'm not entirely sure what to say.

Totally didn't see that kind of review coming from you....

But I totally love it!!!!

Makes me want one!

Candid Carrie said...

I need the name of your dildo dealer. The husband is leaving any day now and mama needs to drive something that needs mudflaps.