The One In Which She is Comfortably Numb

So I had to go back to the dentist today because even his office is telemarketing customers these days. No, I actually had two cavitites to fill in my 45 year old pie-hole. I am amass with fear and trepidation over any doctor visit, even more so when I know that I will be receiving some kind of treatment. So Dr. Chris, who seems to have a new baby on the way everytime I visit him (or I should say his wife is having the baby) which may explain the need for his office to telemarket and troll for patients because he is starting his own little Duggar family and awaiting the call from TLC for his reality show....sorry about that! Anyway - Dr. Chris comes in and shakes my hand...explains what we are going to do .



I tell him, as I do everytime - that I need the play -by- play and he is NOT TO SHOW ME any of the instruments of 'mass dental destruction' or I am outta there. Hell, I didn't even watch the birth of my daughters or even look at them until they were well out of the zone and the nurses cleaned them up. I plug in the earbuds of my IPod and begin to channel my inner calm when he comes at me with ....and my eyes are still open, mind you, a cotton swab loaded with a topical numbing gel. I tell him - "Dude, I said wait 'til my eyes are closed" and he says "it's just a Qtip, swirl girl...Jeez."

Okay, deep breathing and Pat Metheny cued up on the Ipod...I am good now.

So he swabs me and I am all "that wasn't so bad" then he tells me what is coming next and while he is speaking he thinks he can sneak in the Novacaine needle while I'm distracted ...as he is sneaking the needle in , I inadvertantly raised my left hand and get poked by the needle in the juicy vein in my left hand. Just a little, but enough to feel some effects of the juice. Cool.

I wait for him to stop laughing...and I have squoze my eyes waaaay tight and brings the needle to my face (which sucks, cuz I have seen it already and now I have to re- psyche myself up for it) shoves it in and leaves me alone to numb up. A few minutes later, he comes back in, drill drill drill and we're done. Dr..Chris says next time he'll prescribe a valium for me to calm me down before I come in. I said "there won't be a next time". He said "there's always a next time"**

**I gotta tell you all, if I could invent anything in the world that would be a boon to people all over the world- it would be a 100% silent dentist drill. It's not the 'pain' that I hate about a dentist visit, it's that sound. Worse than nails on a chalkboard...worse than the sound of screeching tires...that sound is the stuff of nightmares.

**I also gotta tell you - that I really wonder if I had cavities at all or did I just finance the new nursery ?? You know, because I am such a trusting soul and never doubt anyone's motives.

Needless to say I am typing this with my right hand now, since not only are my tongue and lips all wonky - but so is my hand.

Let's just say I am the worst patient any doctor would never want to have.

Which reminds me, I need to have a schmear and a squish soon. (pap and boob).

Hello , Dr. Chris - would give me a valium so I can make those appointments???