Sunday, August 31, 2008

You Think You Know Someone...

A friend recently lost a parent. Unfortunately , that is something I can relate to now on such a different level. Anyway- this friend was at his mom's cleaning out the stuff of life. Alone. He called to talk to Hubby as he was feeling a bit melancholy. I asked him why he was alone doing this job. He said " You know my wife" . I said " I used to know your wife, 10 years ago when we lived near each other, but now I don't know your wife. Nor do I really know you anymore for that matter."*

So the friend tells me he is doing this monumental task, cleaning out his mom's house, because his sister can't handle it. He tells me that for weeks and weeks his wife has been making him feel guilty because he just wanted to spend more time with his mom. Not that he could change the fact that she was going to die, but that he just wanted the precious time that was left with her to be more meaningful. His wife didn't understand that and thought the routine tasks of life (soccer practice and PTA meetings) were more important for him to tend to. Tensions mounted, disappointment took over, and guilt abounded. He said he had different expectations about how his wife of 14 years would handle crisis. He is surprised at her lack of empathy. So he's there alone, packing up stuff - reliving memories - feeling guilty that he didn't get enough time with his mom and feeling guilty that he let his kids down because he missed the first day of school. There will be another first day of school. There will never be another few moments to spend with his mom.

He goes on to say that he needed to talk to Hubby, just because Hubby has a way of making him feel good about himself and the choices he makes. Hubby just listens, and has forever. Friend says "You have an tremendous guy there." I say - "You're right. But don't let him I know I know...because then he'll have nothing to keep trying to prove to me , you know- once I admit that he actually is tremendous - he won't have to keep finding ways to show me!"

I managed to get a small chuckle out friend - and came to a realization of my own. I guess I really thought I knew this friend of Hubby's. I know him differently now.

I always knew that about Hubby.

*Backstory = this really a friend of Hubby's whom I tolerated and could never really understand the friendship in terms of these two guys being from completely different world's. Golf was their common universe. So I thought.

21 comments:

Insane Mama said...

You have a great guy. I can't believe that the woman dictated when he could and could NOT spend time with his dying mother. Unbelievable

HappyHourSue said...

Oh, that's so sad.....sometimes it's those kinds of "tests" when you realize what your relationship is made of.

Molly said...

Really selfish of the wife, showing no compassion for what her husband was going through. Glad you have such a good guy and I am sure he appreciates you too.

Nik said...

Oh wow - yeah I would have to agree (and hope!) that the dying days of a mom are spent with those that love her...WITHOUT guilt for wanting to be by her side. I certainly wouldn't want my children to feel burdened by loving me and giving me a sentimental send off.

Kudos to you for finding such a great guy.

Mama's Losin' It said...

Yeah his wife sounds awesome. That was nice of you to talk to him and lighten the mood a little by bantering about your hubby. Two peas in a pod, you two.

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOM said...

What a crappy position for his wife to put him in. And I can speak from experience, from when my first husband's mother passed away. While she was sick, we put everything on the back burner to spend time with her.

sassy stephanie said...

How completely sad and self centered for friend's wife to be that way. Glad he can count you your hubby.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm so very sorry for the lack of empathy your friend's wife displayed. It's just disgusting.

Lula! said...

You are a good friend...and your husband rocks. You can tell him I said that, too...

Kat said...

You are so correct. There are so many times that I think I know someone. Or know what they might do or say, and they surprise me. Sometimes in good ways. Sometimes bad. But I love to be surprised in that good way. Sounds like you brought a little bit of sunshine to your husband's friend.

jill jill bo bill said...

Yep. You have a good one and I hope he was able to make his friend see that his wife is a mean and selfish bitch.

Tiffany said...

My husband has a friendship I don't understand... I just let it be. And, his wife would act in a similar fashion.

You are such a cool chick, I knew that man of your had to be something special.

American in Norway said...

Popping by via SITS....
That is really sad...I feel so bad for the poor guy... when he needed his wife to be the most understanding she wasn't. Glad he found someone to talk to!

Great blog!

M said...

What a heartless youknowwhat! I can't imagine making anyone do that alone.

And what a great guy you have! Which I gather from reading that you know.

Heather said...

You do have a sweet hubby. This guy's wife sounds like a peach.

TentCamper said...

Great story. I know how hard those situations can be and how it is made worse by people who don't get it.

Glad you had a chance to talk to him...I'm sure it helpped hm.

Mekhismom said...

I am glad that you were there to provide a listening ear for your husband's friend. Too bad his wife was so selfish and didn't let him spend time with his mother. Or maybe too bad for him that he couldn't stand up for himself. Either way, a sad situation.

Kelly said...

And he's still married to this woman why?! Sounds like a miserable person to deny her husband guilt-free last moments with his dying mother!!

Colleen said...

That's so awful that your friend's wife couldn't be more supportive of her hubby and her dying MIL. I mean, that is the grandmother of her children! Argh!

Glad you (and your hubby) could be there to lend some support and compassion.

that girl said...

How sad for the friend, what a cool reflection on hubby.

The Nice One said...

Wow, your husband seems so amazing. You're really lucky.
What a witchy wife that guy's got.