There is a reason; Turn, turn, turn.
My screen door slammed open this morning and my little neighbor bounded in for an impromptu playdate. You see, the neighbors lived here 3 years ago, and moved (the dad's job) and now they are back! For a myriad of reasons that I choose not to go into, they are back. Suffice it to say, that I look forward to them settling in and starting up the Friday afternoon (or any day that ends in 'y') Happy Hour out front watching the kids run around being kids. I look forward to having car pool to school again. I am glad my girls have some more playmates in the cul de sac.
I realize, as I sit here listening to them play upstairs...that I am so blessed. I have moved twice for my husband's career - and lost my own in the move. But I never lost me. My friend moved for her husband and it took three years of shit happening - lots of shit -but I think she has lost herself in the process. Their circumstances have changed drastically - and my friend is now 100% dependent on her husband - both financially and emotionally. And emotional dependence is worse. Control is his thing. Subtle. Passive Aggressive. Control. And in the process of all this ...their marriage is dangling from a thread, and my friend's sense of self is teetering from a precipice, she is in constant fear that the last bit of her world is going to come crashing down on her.
And, then I complain because of wet towels on the bed, or the way Hubby brushes his teeth, or how we are going to afford this, that and the other thing. I feel guilty that I am too hard on my precious eldest and I yell at her too much. I expect perfection in the kids and Hubby, and don't
practice it myself. I am quick to criticize, and yes - sometimes I judge. I am sad (read: depressed) about some things for what seems an inordinate amount of time. I dread some situations when no dread is necessary. I know there are things I should do, but can't seem to get off my lazy ass to do them. I am at once selfish and giving of my time and energy. All of those qualities- good and bad are just my sense of self coming out say 'hello!'. I have a tremendous sense of loyalty. I am a good listener and sometimes offer sage advice (whether I am asked or not). I have a ton of logic and reasoning and common sense - thanks to my parents for bestowing that gift in me! I have little tolerance for neediness and self pity wallowers. Maybe I am like this because I am not as empathetic as I would like to think I am. Sympathetic yes...but can I really walk a mile in someone else's shoes? Worse than that - would I really want to?
I am blessed because I realize that most of things I worry about and complain about are trite and stupid. I read these blogs every day for what seems like hours - and maybe I weigh my shit-meter against the shit- meters of others...but mine is so much lighter. My shit stinks, too. But I am never stuck in that much of a rut that the shit-meter runneth over. Like my friend's is likely to do. And, when it does...I hope to be there to help her clean up the mess.
As I get older, I start to believe in fate more and more. Magical, mystical or spiritual - things happen for a reason...turn, turn, turn.