Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Oddly Amusing

This came on email today from Allison, whom I at first thought was one of my many (read: couple of ) loyal fans and admirers:


I was poking around your blog and I thought it was very interesting. I noticed the special focus you pay on cleaning and keeping it real, and wanted to pass these materials along to you about Hoover. Please let me know if you are at all interested in the materials in the body of this email, or if the attached document. We would love to introduce you to this Anniversary line

America’s first name in vacuuming and floor care is 100 years old. To celebrate this milestone and help consumers get the cleanest clean at home, Hoover is introducing its latest line of vacuums – the Anniversary Edition.




It went on to list all the features and benefits of the Hoover Anniversary edition vacuum cleaner.



This is what I wrote back:



Dear Allison;



Thank you for thinking of me, but - Boy did you get the wrong address. I do care about keeping a clean house, that is why I invest in the best thing the market has to offer - A very thorough, very effective, mostly reliable...cleaning lady.



Now unless the Hoover Anniversary edition also will babysit, do laundry, change and wash bed linens, dust the house, clean the venetian blinds, change the occasion pull-up (mine, not the kid) , place the bandaid and kiss the boo-boo, shave my legs, massage my feet, cook food, take the kids to the park, drive to this /that/and the other thing, do my nails, pleasure my husband, pleasure me, makes breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner/snack, go out for ice cream treats, watch endless episodes of Hannah Montana (and all things Disney channel), watch endless episodes of Wow Wow Wubzy (and all things Noggin) , learn how to put photos and video without compromising text on this blog, teach everyone else in the world how to frickin' drive, bitch slap lousy customer service representatives, record my every thought so I don't forget them, carefully sort and stow away 25,000 teeny Polly Pocket accessories, carefully change the Polly Pocket dollies with the 25,000 pre-sorted teeny accessories, pleasure my husband, pleasure me (oh, did I mention that already?), leave lovely little blue boxes around the house for me (read: Tiffany baubles), remember to send cards and gifts for various birthdays, vote in all elections, and go to every PTA meeting and soccer practice and hip hop lesson and recital.....then I am afraid I have no use for it.

If Hoover can explain what that weird surf board with the collapsable X shaped legs under it that is leaning in my closet might be, then we can talk. I also found this really strange thing that looks like an old fashion telephone that is flat on one side with tons of teeny little holes in it and some strange pictograph that look like steam coming out of said accessory could possibly be - then call me. Until such time as all of the above occurs....I think you may have gotten the wrong e:mail address.


PS- which one of thes posts on this blog is there any indication that cleaning is important to me? Unless, of course you meant cleaning my delicate Reidel wine glasses ...by hand of course!

-------------------

I find it oddly amusing that in a just a few days a law will take effect here in California banning the use of hand-held cell phones - and I went to 2 stores today to get a ear piece/ microphone thingy for my cell phone and they WERE OUT OF STOCK!!! And, I also find it oddly amusing that there is an ATM machine in our local Sprint store. And, I find it oddly amusing ( I am in an odd mood today, no?) that most of the hand held ear piece / microphone thingy's on the market today require the user to hold the microphone up to the mouth because the wire is too long when worn and while in the sitting position - which is #1 where the user would be using said device and #2 defeats the purpose of having the hands free device in the first place. Irony or conspiracy? Discuss amongst yourselves....

I had to go to the hospital today for another scan - this time for my parathyroid glands. You see, after the D.A.C (for those of you new to this mess, I refer to my issues with my now defunct and missing thyroid gland as Dumb Ass Cancer) - my blood calcium levels are so out of whack that my body always feels like it is in a 'pins and needles' state and my hands and feet sieze or cramp up on me at less than opportune times (are there really any opportune moments for cramps?) I like when I am driving, swimming, sleeping , carrying my keys, writing, typing...being. Anywho I had to have some blood work done and then get this dye injected at 10:00 and then some Xrays (read: 20 minutes of naptime) and then go back at 12:00 for more fun. So I did all that, and while I am up on the table...and I mean up - they raise the 'bed' about 6 feet off the ground while the 'nap' is taking place - my feet cramp up. I jump up and try to put my feet on the floor to put pressure on my feet (which is the only way to alleviate the cramp) and "whaaa the faaah" and not realizing that the bed was 6 feet off the floor - Well, let's just say it's a good thing I have cat like reflexes because I landed on my feet...scared the crap out of the technician (and myself) and made for some lively watercooler chat in the radiology department. Phew!

So this literally just happened moments ago....my girls are upstairs practicing a play they have been working on and I hear uproarious laughter. Emily comes down to tell something "hilarious'. She was pretending to clean Rachel's little bookshelf which has ABC carved out of the sides of the shelves. Emily had a duster (where she found it , or why she was doing it -I don't know) and was cleaning the bookshelf. The duster got caught and Emily says..."Rachel, the duster got caught in your A hole" (read: the part of the wooden letter that is a hole in the letter A, not the part of the child's touchas that is the hole in the A). They are just crackin' up. Now, I wonder where they learned the expression 'A-hole' in the first place?

Probably from their mo-fo mom biatch and her baby daddy .....

"hello, Is this the G's spot? This is child services....."

Oddly Amusing, No?

83 comments:

Debbie said...

Ok that was a whole lot in one post...and I too got that email...and I thought someone was playing a joke on me about the soliciting post I did. So even though you posted that email verbatim I have to post it as well just because of the irony of it all.

Now I need to come back and visit when I have more time because the word "cancer" stopped me dead in my tracks.

I am still having the party. Did you get a glass of wine yet ;)?
I'll come back tomorrow when I'm done greeting my guests...I have actually been away from the computer most of the day so I am just now getting to read all the comments.

Caroline said...

I'm still stuck at the absurdity of a LAW that says you can't hold your phone with your hand while you talk? WHAT? I can understand making it a law while driving, but in general? Am I totally confused or what? Maybe we'll get really lucky and they'll make a law that says we have to use our Anniversary Edition Hoovers three days a week and dust our A holes - all handsfree!

Lula! said...

This was so all over the place and Huh-larious...just the way I like it!!!!! Good, good stuff...

p.s. The word for verification is "bumwp," which I'm certain is shorthand for "bum wipe." Oddly amusing & appropriate...YES!!!!!

Anonymous said...

OMG...I am laughing so hard I am crying...and the man downstairs on the couch wants to know who I am chatting with. I tell him the story and he is amused...in his bathroom kind of way! I can picture Emily saying A-Hole. PS..they learn lots from kids on the playground. Where did RayRay learn that Auntie gots big boobies? Certainly not from YOU! She heard it from the little boys on your cul-de-sac. Anyway....love ya and keep up the good words. You really make me laugh! A-Hole..gotta love it....what about the B-Hole....same as the A-Hole??

Anonymous said...

OMG...I need to preview...in his bathrobe kind of way...

Mrs. R said...

I cannot believe our blogs are now falling victim to solicitors. Now if they want to GIVE me a vacuum, I will mention them in my blog.

Good for you writing her back.

A-hole. Hilarious.

leezee52 said...

Gees I didn't get that email...I feel left out! Verrry funny post!!!

Nonna said...

That is hilarious!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

Aunt Becky said...

I'm still confused by the ATM in the Sprint Store. Probably more confused than I should be.

Kat said...

Ooo...I got that email. I was most confused myself as I am a princess and don't do domesticy kind of things. Just ask Debbie...she'll verify :-) But, like you, I was compelled to respond. I confessed to being a princess...and said my housekeeper might like one. And I would like a few to give away on my blog. I haven't heard back yet, have you?

Kandace said...

Gurl you had so much goodness in one post.

A-hole hahahahahaahha! I'm like a 13 year-old boy!

Mar said...

Wow, that was a lot for one post. Your girls sound funny. I can't wait for mine to be able to say things like that!

Mrs. R said...

I would love you to swirl for the recipe blog!!! Maybe you could do a whole post one Saturday a month on wine?

Lula! said...

I'm going to answer for the SITS gals when I say that I would LOVE for you to do a SWIRL post for the new Saucy blog. Because I rather enjoy wine and would love to learn more.

Also, I left a comment on my blog, answering your question regarding my most recent post. Hope it helps clear things up!

Veggie Mom said...

Hi! I'm new to the Blogosphere, and I found your site thru another link. Interesting stuff here! I'm running a giveaway, and I'd love it if you'd stop by. http://poprs.blogspot.com/2008/06/giveaway-tuesday.html Drop in any time! :)

WheresMyAngels said...

I'm surprised my kids don't say A-Hole because that is what I refer to their bio father as! lol

If Missouri ever passes that cell phone law, I will be in big trouble, my hand is glued to my cell which is glued to my ear while driving.

CanCan said...

LOL about the "a hole". Kids! *tsk*!

Were they going to give you a free vacuum? That would have been awesome.

Cristin said...

I think this was the first post of yours that I read... and it made me want to keep reading you! I just noticed that I didn't comment before... I suck.

Justine said...

OMG, this post had me in hysterics most of the time. Well, not the damn cancer part, but every other part! You've really got a way with writing. Fantastic blog! I just might have to bookmark ya!

Justine :o )

What A Card said...

How hilarious! Maybe they knew your daughter, the mad duster, was interested in cleaning.

There was a whole lot of funny in this post...thank you!

Creative Junkie said...

I love your style of writing! This post cracked me up this morning!

EmBee said...

SO MUCH going on in this post... But my fav part has to be this comment:

"pleasure my husband, pleasure me,"

I suppose that's entirely possible with a Hoover vacuum, but I'm not sure I want to spend too much time thinking about the 'How' of it.
:-)

Debbie Y. said...

First, I was going to comment about the Hoover email and then I was going to comment about the parathyroid cancer and then you totally sucker punched me with laughter about the feather duster getting stuck in the A-hole, my goodness that was hysterical. I love it, absolutely love it. Kids do say the darndest things.

Congrats again on being featured on SITS today.

Melissa said...

The letter is truly what you sent? If so, you are my hero. I just got an email the other day and I thought my little word verification would protect me, but since I have my comments emailed to me, my address has been compromised. Some gemstone jewelry schtuff.

The Thyroid cancer hit home for me. My mom had her Thyroid removed 10 years ago. Fortunately now chemo or radiation was necessary. Just meds for the rest of her life.

Kelly Deneen said...

wow - that was a lot of posting in one post! ha!

RE: the letter - absolutely priceless. You are hysterical.

RE: thyroid cancer - totally terrible, and I'm sorry. I did crack up at your cat-like reflexes though.

RE: A-hole - that made my morning! haha!

AJ said...

I love the letter.

I'm glad you have cat like reflexes I would have fell on my Hinie.

A-hole that one made me crack up. Where do they come up w/ these things? Oh yah.... us!

Happy SITS day!

Debbie said...

Hey I've read this one! And I think it was on my SITS day! Have fun today!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

"In her A-hole"

Yeah... I think I just piddled.

Elizabeth said...

Happy SITS Day!
How odd, I have a similar leg cramp while on the table story, but I was getting a CAT scan! I just yelled to get me out!

sassy stephanie said...

OMgosh. Cracking up. It's not enough to write about the Hoover, but you had to add the Ahole and make coffee come out of my nose.

nikkicrumpet said...

Does the term "DANG FREAKIN FUNNY" mean anything to you? I think you should tattoo it on your butt (please avoid the A-hole) cuz you my dear are about the funniest thing I've ever had the pleasure to read!

Lauren and Justin said...

ha! again, cracking up. i want to be a fly on the wall at your house.

Katie Says said...

you are hilarious!! I seriously laughed out loud here at work and a co-worker keeps looking at me....

love your blog! =)

MomMega said...

This post was just what I needed today, something to make me laugh. Thank you!

Ronnica said...

That's a funny email. I got an email requesting to advertise on my blog. I kindly sent a reply saying on don't do that. Then I got an email back giving me all the details of the advertising... Something tells me there really aren't humans behind these things!

Rhea said...

hilarious letter to Hoover.

Cramping up and pins and needles sound awful. Hope they can figure out/straighten that up soon!

Jenni said...

The A-hole thing reminds me of my husband saying we should name our boat 4-play, because there are four of us--of course! We debated the spelling four play, foreplay, for play. Any way, we were in the car and didn't consider our 8 year olds ears. Now she wants to name everything four play! Some day this is really going to get awkward!

imperfectblog said...

Hysterical! Thanks for the laughs.
And congrats on the Saucy!

thotlady said...

Love the A-hole story and that they actually knew what that meant.

Texan Mama @ WhoPutMeInCharge said...

hee-larious. Thanks for the chuckle.

dddiva said...

LMAO the A-hole. Maybe she meant my ex. :P
That is so funny I have a kid who loves cleaning supplies (like the duster, vacuums, etc) but HATES to clean. Hope yours enjoy it- send them my way if so.
Getting a kick out of your blog.

Inspired Kara said...

HOLY MOLY MOLASES you are freakin' hysterical.

Sadly I used to work for a big PR firm that did the same exact thing hoover was doin' to ya. That girl probably had a list of a good 100-150 "mom blogs" with email addresses and sent the same email to all of them fo hopes of some free endoresements. I loved your response. Priceless.

Why do you think I quit the job? Felt like I was a telemarketer hidden behind the glamours title of Public Relations.

You go girl!!!

tanyaross said...

you're as random as I am! /g/ your response to the vacuum letter was VERY funny; so sorry to hear about the cancer, and I know what you mean about cramps that only go away by standing up (had my right foot cramp up when I was driving once, THAT was fun!) - off to read your other FB post! :)

Insane Mama said...

You are so funny. I read this one before, but I must have missed some of it, I mean now that we are tight as sisters I read carefully.
Amusing? YES!

Evi said...

I'm just gonna 'cut and paste' your reply when I get a post like that...that okay?

TRULY...they passed a law banning hand-held cell phones????? And how's that going? I thought you all had a democracy down there? NO?

Party of 5 said...

ROFL. I hate when we get commentors who are really trying to exploit something or sell whatevers. I mean seriously.

Michelle said...

Yeah.... I've gotten some of those emails, too. Fortunately, I've been smart enough to just delete them, but can you imagine that being your job? Troll for blogs to send emails to!

Kat said...

I loved this post. I never heard back from the Hoover lady. I suppose she didn't want to waste her time with a princess.

Simply Stork said...

can't hold your cell phone???do you mean while your driving? you must mean while your driving???

weird...

and there was a lot to that post...I just can't get past that first part??? (lol)

~simply~

Dee said...

great post. I can't believe they solicit from the blogs, how rude! But your reply is hilarious.
We have laws in Aus for not driving while using a phone, about $150 fine I think.

wendy said...

MY WORD, you are one funny lady! What a joy to read...Happy SITS day! I'm going to browse around a bit.

mrsmouthy said...

I think you should patent your ideas about what an ideal vacuum cleaner should do. James Dyson can make miracles happen in the vacuuming world.

Shannon said...

The email to Hoover? AWESOME.

And the A-hole story was priceless!

Z's Mom said...

Oh my....that was a lot of information...and I swear...all I can remember now is the A hold story! HAHAHAHA

Emily said...

Alright swirl, you are HILARIOUS. I am bookmarking you!
I love this post!
A-hole. Nice.

Karen said...

LOL !!! Haven't had that email yet, Don't have carpeted floors anyway. :-)

Sympathise on the feet cramps . Mine usually happen just after I fall asleep and I end up having to try and clamber over one husband and two dogs so I can hit the floor and get some relief !!!

Mama's Losin' It said...

Holy shit! That SAME lady contacted ME and I emailed her back and she sent me TWO free vaccuum cleaners...

I'm gonna have a contest giveaway with one and I'm keeping the other sonbitch.

...ummm...you may want to renig your last email and get your a free mother freaking vaccuum

Andie said...

I love it. I love the comment from Hoover and the Ahole comment was too cute!

Casey's trio said...

HA! A-hole...gottal love it when the kids pick up on stuff like that.

Vicki said...

Love it! If Hoover contacts you back with a product recommendation please pass that along. My list would be exactly the same.

I have a friend who's battled thyroid cancer and is now battling the effects of treatment/maintenance. You have my admiration!

verygoodyear said...

I am cracking up thinking of this Spiderman-esque 6 foot leap onto the floor with cramped feet. How uncomfortable, but how awesome!

Hairline Fracture said...

I really, really hope someone actually had to read that letter.

Humor is the best revenge for the solicitors.

Rela Pantaleon-Manigsaca said...

hmmm...so these sales people do troll the blogosphere. That was a sassy comeback you sent. Wonder if they responded back or if they just went back to their corner sulking (or maybe even laughing hysterically for being found out!)

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