Oddly Amusing

This came on email today from Allison, whom I at first thought was one of my many (read: couple of ) loyal fans and admirers:


I was poking around your blog and I thought it was very interesting. I noticed the special focus you pay on cleaning and keeping it real, and wanted to pass these materials along to you about Hoover. Please let me know if you are at all interested in the materials in the body of this email, or if the attached document. We would love to introduce you to this Anniversary line

America’s first name in vacuuming and floor care is 100 years old. To celebrate this milestone and help consumers get the cleanest clean at home, Hoover is introducing its latest line of vacuums – the Anniversary Edition.



It went on to list all the features and benefits of the Hoover Anniversary edition vacuum cleaner.



This is what I wrote back:



Dear Allison;



Thank you for thinking of me, but - Boy did you get the wrong address. I do care about keeping a clean house, that is why I invest in the best thing the market has to offer - A very thorough, very effective, mostly reliable...cleaning lady.



Now unless the Hoover Anniversary edition also will babysit, do laundry, change and wash bed linens, dust the house, clean the venetian blinds, change the occasion pull-up (mine, not the kid) , place the bandaid and kiss the boo-boo, shave my legs, massage my feet, cook food, take the kids to the park, drive to this /that/and the other thing, do my nails, pleasure my husband, pleasure me, makes breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner/snack, go out for ice cream treats, watch endless episodes of Hannah Montana (and all things Disney channel), watch endless episodes of Wow Wow Wubzy (and all things Noggin) , learn how to put photos and video without compromising text on this blog, teach everyone else in the world how to frickin' drive, bitch slap lousy customer service representatives, record my every thought so I don't forget them, carefully sort and stow away 25,000 teeny Polly Pocket accessories, carefully change the Polly Pocket dollies with the 25,000 pre-sorted teeny accessories, pleasure my husband, pleasure me (oh, did I mention that already?), leave lovely little blue boxes around the house for me (read: Tiffany baubles), remember to send cards and gifts for various birthdays, vote in all elections, and go to every PTA meeting and soccer practice and hip hop lesson and recital.....then I am afraid I have no use for it.

If Hoover can explain what that weird surf board with the collapsable X shaped legs under it that is leaning in my closet might be, then we can talk. I also found this really strange thing that looks like an old fashion telephone that is flat on one side with tons of teeny little holes in it and some strange pictograph that look like steam coming out of said accessory could possibly be - then call me. Until such time as all of the above occurs....I think you may have gotten the wrong e:mail address.


PS- which one of thes posts on this blog is there any indication that cleaning is important to me? Unless, of course you meant cleaning my delicate Reidel wine glasses ...by hand of course!

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I find it oddly amusing that in a just a few days a law will take effect here in California banning the use of hand-held cell phones - and I went to 2 stores today to get a ear piece/ microphone thingy for my cell phone and they WERE OUT OF STOCK!!! And, I also find it oddly amusing that there is an ATM machine in our local Sprint store. And, I find it oddly amusing ( I am in an odd mood today, no?) that most of the hand held ear piece / microphone thingy's on the market today require the user to hold the microphone up to the mouth because the wire is too long when worn and while in the sitting position - which is #1 where the user would be using said device and #2 defeats the purpose of having the hands free device in the first place. Irony or conspiracy? Discuss amongst yourselves....

I had to go to the hospital today for another scan - this time for my parathyroid glands. You see, after the D.A.C (for those of you new to this mess, I refer to my issues with my now defunct and missing thyroid gland as Dumb Ass Cancer) - my blood calcium levels are so out of whack that my body always feels like it is in a 'pins and needles' state and my hands and feet sieze or cramp up on me at less than opportune times (are there really any opportune moments for cramps?) I like when I am driving, swimming, sleeping , carrying my keys, writing, typing...being. Anywho I had to have some blood work done and then get this dye injected at 10:00 and then some Xrays (read: 20 minutes of naptime) and then go back at 12:00 for more fun. So I did all that, and while I am up on the table...and I mean up - they raise the 'bed' about 6 feet off the ground while the 'nap' is taking place - my feet cramp up. I jump up and try to put my feet on the floor to put pressure on my feet (which is the only way to alleviate the cramp) and "whaaa the faaah" and not realizing that the bed was 6 feet off the floor - Well, let's just say it's a good thing I have cat like reflexes because I landed on my feet...scared the crap out of the technician (and myself) and made for some lively watercooler chat in the radiology department. Phew!

So this literally just happened moments ago....my girls are upstairs practicing a play they have been working on and I hear uproarious laughter. Emily comes down to tell something "hilarious'. She was pretending to clean Rachel's little bookshelf which has ABC carved out of the sides of the shelves. Emily had a duster (where she found it , or why she was doing it -I don't know) and was cleaning the bookshelf. The duster got caught and Emily says..."Rachel, the duster got caught in your A hole" (read: the part of the wooden letter that is a hole in the letter A, not the part of the child's touchas that is the hole in the A). They are just crackin' up. Now, I wonder where they learned the expression 'A-hole' in the first place?

Probably from their mo-fo mom biatch and her baby daddy .....

"hello, Is this the G's spot? This is child services....."

Oddly Amusing, No?