Friday, January 22, 2010

The One In Which She Shares What She Has Learned

I have learned that a week of rain in Southern California means the following:

  • Never buy an umbrella from the $.99 Store.  There is a reason they are selling them for under a dollar. As soon as I opened the thing, it imploded on me.  Mary Poppins, I am not.
  • My hair looks like crap all bouffy and curly.  Even though people say how great it looks - I have learned that they are just saying that because they were taught an an early age that if they didn't have anything nice to say, lie like a son-of-a-bitch.
  • People who drive like asshats when the sun is shining, which is most of the time around here, are even more asshatt-ier when it's pouring out.  Slow the hell down, whizzy whizbanger - and, no... not that's not a right turn...that's a frickin' stone wall.
  • Our kitchen ceiling is indeed not a ceiling - but a floor.  We have learned that what we thought was a leak in the upstairs shower is actually a leak in an eave roofline outside.  Let's see if State Farm is indeed a 'good neighbor' and 'there'...
  • I have learned that although I still loathe (up)Chuckee Cheese..they have wine, albeit bad wine, but wine nonetheless.  It does make that booger factory a bit more tolerable. I met a couple of other Mom's there this week to let the kids burn off some energy.  Full body douche for each child when we got home.  Funny thing is, they somehow make good pizza.  And I think their salad bar has become the final resting place for cottage cheese and 'jello salad' and those little crispy chinese noodle things.
  • Fabreeze Fabric Spray works.  My poor kid hurled all over her carpet last night.  Twice. She got the crud.  The hard part will be keeping it to herself.  Hello quarantine and Purell.
I have learned from attempt to go from Flabulous to Fabulous
  • I wish I had a penis so I could pee standing up.  Like seriously, at this moment that is the only thing I could think of doing with it if I had one.  My legs and ass muscles hurt so much the squat is ridiculously painful. 
  • People say there will come a time when I will look forward to going to the gym.  To feel  the 'burn'.  Nnnnope.  Don't see that happening.  Working out will always be a chore for me.  I hope 'People' prove me wrong.
  • Oatmeal with raisins is mighty tasty in the morning.  I am not a breakfast eater.  I have survived on coffee in the morning for many years.  I literally have to force myself to eat breakfast.  Oatmeal is easy and satisfying.  If I keep saying that over and over again, I will start to believe it.
I have also learned that Twitter seems to have killed the Bloggio-Star.
  • I think Twitter is totally fun, but I miss reading up on the lives of my Bloggy friends.  I admit to having what I consider not so interesting things to talk about sue me.  And some of my Bloggy friends who used to post every day are slowly getting sucked into the vortex and a few (dare I say?) have disappeared altogether.
  • I have fallen victim to the 'instant gratification' syndrome that Twitter and Facebook seem to have spread throughout these Interwebs.  We get out lives in short spurts these days.  You'd think if societally we were so interested in headlines. America's newspapers wouldn't be going out of business.
  • I think I have figured out the whole follow me/ follow you thing.  What I don't get is why some people follow me.  Do most people do what I do and read a funny or catchy Tweet and click on that person's Bio and see if their interests match mine?  I also seek out some Bloggy friends and follow who they follow (the same way I created my Blog Roll).  Or, do they just pile on the Followings to make their numbers (read:ego) more inflated?  Or are these new Followers the new wave on 'tele' marketers whose spambots find a key word in a Tweet and Follow me?   If I get Followed and don't Follow back, do people get offended?  I mean , if I don't know you or your blog or your friends - and I go to check you out and it's all coupons and marketing stuff -are you even a person?  For all I know, you could be a prison inmate who's getting paid a penny a Follow or something and the one with the most Follows at the end of the day gets to avoid the shiv in the yard or the short end of the soap on the roap.
In any case, Follow me on Twitter and Facebook and Network Blogs and Twitter Moms and....because I need validation.  Then I can share all that I have learned in multi-techno ways...because I need the insti-grat and have become too lazy to even write anything more than 140 characters long.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

the one in which she thinks e.e. cummings had a personal trainer**

So it's week 2 of the 52 to Fabulous challenge.  And while others might be motivated by their loved ones and thoughts of being around for years to come - Swirl Girl is motivated by money and...dare I say it?  Abject humiliation.

I signed up for 8 personal training sessions at my gym.  I will not waste the money.  Or if I do waste the money - I will mentally and physically beat myself up about it and therefore expend calories and get some exercise (the physical beating part) and lose weight,  And if I beat myself up about while eating directly out of the fridge  (open - bend - unwrap- bend oooh feel the burn)  the fat will really start melting away.  Either way, it looks like it's a win-win for me. 

I also signed up to participate in the gym's 12 challenge which is where the abject humiliation part comes in.  Next Monday they are going to weigh me (got crane?) ) , take measurements of all my parts (got lots of time?) and here is the kicker >>photograph me in a bathing suit (got 20's style flapper suit?) The winner of the 12 week challenge is the person who shows the most improvement, not necessarily the most weight loss.  I think I am supposed to say that it's okay to gain muscle weight - but quite frankly - it isn't.

So I went to the gym for my first training session with the 'boss'.  He worked me to the point of actual sweating and genuine hurting.  Sadistic bastard.  I used muscles I didn't know I had.  I pulled a face muscle I contorted so hard.  In fact, even my finger muscles much so that even stretching my pinky muscle to hit the *shift* key hurts.  So to that end - I will only type in lower case letters for the rest of this post.  and no numbers either.  ouch.. i also think i will be avoiding my trade mark parenthetical expressions where i think out loud sort of like the chorus of a greek tragedy... **i think  e.e. cummings must have had a personal trainer too. 

so after the beating work out we go into the office to schedule the rest of my sessions.  at that time, he tries to match me up with a trainer who best fits my personality and will be a good motivator.  and because of all my years of sitting across a desk from someone i have become quite the skilled upside-down reader. (read: paper eaves-dropper)  i see he writes next to my name ' no skinny bitches' for this one.  hence- my new sadist trainer is named matt.  hope you can take it, dude.  i can be mean.  just ask around. 

in other news - i just want to thank Jen from Jen's Voices (and for you my dear, I will use the *shift* key and the parenthetical expressions because you deserve it!) for all the wonderful awards she has bestowed upon me.   Most recently  - she gave me the Feels Like Home award.  Go read her.  Jen just started blogging and already gets more commentors than I do.  And the popular ones too.  Her blog is full of snark, reality, humor, relatable flashbacks, and honesty.  You rock Frog!  My door is always open.

Friday, January 8, 2010

The One In Which She Vows to Go From Flab to FAB !**

** alternative title could be "What I did on my winter vacation"

So we had a remarkably unremarkable winter break.  Went to the movies , a few play dates, shared some holiday celebrations with friends.  Slept in.  Wore my uniform everyday (read: stretchy pants).  Thanksfully we live in Southern California and save for two days out of 14 - our weather was play outside-able.  Mighty fine.      

But unlike a lot of you , other than the sleeping late part of winter vacation- I missed the routine of the routine and was excited to get my kids off to school this week.

This is the time of year when everyone is jumping on the Resolution Band Wagon - and Swirl Girl is no different. In fact as a family - we celebrated New Year's Eve by playing Resolution Pictionary .  We made sort of a family contract listing things we all could do to make our family successful (read: happier, less stressed = less yelling!)

In order to be successful
We want to do the following:

1. Pay attention to your surroundings  (which is a nice way of saying don't be such a klutz!)
2. Keep your room clean! (which is a nice way of saying ...mommy doesn't like the clutter!)
3. Listen to each other (which is a nice way of stop finishing other's sentences)
4. Make your bed
5. Set the table (which is a nice way of saying - help mommy out!)
6. Pick up your mess (kitchen, toys, ect.)
7. Accept responsibilities for our actions (which is a nice way of saying punishment will fit the crime)
8. Take care of our bodies (which is a nice way of saying brush your teeth without me reminding you!)
9. Put away your clothes when they are clean (which is a nice way of saying I ain't doin' it anymore)
10. Put yourself in other people’s place (= empathy!!)
11. Treat others the way you want to be treated (oh, the Golden Rule...right?)
12. Think before you speak or act (Which is a nice way of saying no more Ready, Shoot, Aim!)

 We typed it all up after the doodling - and put in an 8x10 frame and it hangs proudly in the house.
So far, a whole week into it, we are doing just so-so .  Mommy just has to say #12, or "Did you #4 today?"
We're all about code words here. 

And I have my own personal list of Wants for this new year. 

1) Exercise Daily
2) Read more for pleasure
3) Monetize her life
4) Try to fill my ubiquitous Glass Half Empty attitude (adjusting my A).  In other words - I am gonna lighten the fluck UP!

I can still be funny and snarky without being so dark and gloomy all the time.  (IthinkIcan, IthinkIcan.)
I want what everyone else seems to have.  Or if they don't have it...they just pretend better than me.  And I want to learn how to do that. 

I am joining a group of like minded women on a project spearheaded by Linda Sellers of Short Pump Preppy called 52 to Fabulous.  The key to this challenge is the support.  I started my personal training sessions at the gym yesterday.  I want to not be totally grossed out by my nekkid body.  I don't expect to be sporting a bikini this summer - not that that wouldn't suck, but when your 5 year old tells you that you look like your gonna have a baby - it's time to shift gears. 

I wonder what the next best thing is going to be? In this world of insti-grat (that's instant gratification for you tweeters who don't want to use up too many characters)because if I could invent it...Hhhhmmmmm  that would surely help me monetize my life. 

So I am giving myself a realistic 52 weeks to go from Flabulous to Fabulous!!  Who's with me?? 
Anyone?  Anyone?  Buehler??