Thursday, December 3, 2009

The One In Which Rob Petrie Ruined It For Swirl Girl

Remember the opening sequence of The Dick Van Dyke Show*? When the dashing Rob Petrie comes in the front door and is greeted by the ever-loving wife Laura (my all time favorite Mary Tyler Moore, BTW) and she's wearing a fabulous A-line skirt , little apron, form fitting black top and kitten heels? If memory serves, she had oven -mitts on and was holding a casserole in one hand and a martini in the other. And Richie (Larry Mathews), their too cute for words young son, who has like his pipe and slippers and his report card in his hand...All hugs and smiles and kisses and "how was your day Dears?" Richie asks Daddy "Whatdja bring me, today?" and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out something innocuous like a paper clip and Richie is all "ooh wow!" and then Rob trips over the ottoman .... {{roll opening credits }}

Well..."Oh Ro-oh-oh-ohb" ruined it everything for me.

Unlike my idol - Laura Petrie...I don't wake up in the morning looking all fabulous. In fact, I wake up looking more like Buddy Sorrel (Morey Amsterdam) and sounding more like Sally Rogers (Rose Marie) ...just ask my kids. In fact, I just don't wake up happy. If I don't sleep well, I wake up foul. I kind of know the rest of my day is going to suck when the first words out of my mouth aren't "Good Morning, darlings!"

Case it point: The other night at like 3:20 a.m. the phone rings and it is the Security detail in the 'hood calling to tell me the garage door was open. Of course, the phone is near my I answer in a split second and it wakes me out of the 'forced-hot-air-slumber' that I so lovingly relish. I have to go downstairs and shut the garage door. Of course they call at 3:20 a.m. even though they drive around every 20 minutes and have every opportunity to call at a human hour. I guess they figure if they have to be up ...I should too.

Security Dude: "Good evening , ma'am..our security detail noticed that your garage door was open"

Me: "fuckshitgoddamgaragedoorassholeforleavingitopenagainGrrrrr"

So I get out of bed all loud and jumpy and cursy hoping to wake Hubby (and it would, were it not for our Ortho tempurpedic $3000 mattress that you can drop a bowling ball down on one side and not spill the wine glass on the other) and go down and shut the frickin' door. Sure it only took a second, but then I struggle a bit to go back to sleep just knowing I'll wake up with a dull headache or something.

6:30 a.m. rolls around and this is how I wake.

Hubby: "See ya babe"
Me: " Yourfuckingleaving?Now?" (swear to god this is an exact quote)

Oh, it's going to be a banner day here in the Swirl Girl's World...oh yeah. I do everything I have to do with a little piece of paper and a pen handy so I can record the 'shit that is today' and hopefully find time to Blog about it

Such as :

hey dental hygienist...why do you insist on asking me questions when my mouth is full of your frickin' latex gloved fists?


hey - it's called a drive thru teller 'cuz your supposed to frickin' DRIVE THROUGH it. Not stand there and contemplate your frickin' naval.


hey- dude in the car next to me at the red light ...could at least PRETEND not to drink down that Pabst Blue Effin' Ribbon in the time it takes for the light to change before getting on the freeway?

...If you're still with me - and are wondering why I blame Rob Petrie for my crappy 'tude?? Hang on there for cripes sake...I'm getting to it.

Later in the day, Hubby and I are texting (on my new toy - the Droid, the dumbest name for a phone and will henceforth be called Erma) and he texts "sorry about last night". I text "don't come in the front door". He texts "I like using the front door".

He gets all caught up in his Rob Petrie moment.

The girls hear the turn of the key and drop everything and run up to him and jump all over him and are all "Squeeeeee! Daddy's home!! "
(that was for Lee of MWOB) and of course I am NOT in wearing a fabulous A Line skirt and kitten heals . And I am NOT wearing oven mitts holding a casserole in one hand and a martini in the other. Sorry to blow your karma dude. I am in stretchy pants and a dirty tshirt. A true Domestic Goddess. Barely showered myself much less the kids. Busily making dinner and wiping the splatters off the wall. Yeah, dude - I got your slippers and pipe right here.

So I decide to make him a little note to tape by the front door. Like the one my wonderful dad used to have by the door that led from the garage to the house. In his younger days it said :

Did you remember to?




But later in his life it said:

Did you remember to?

turn off the engine?


zip your fly

The little note I tape to the front door says:

Who do you think you are...Rob Petrie? Shut the frickin' garage door.

*thanks for letting me 'borrow' these images and information


JenJen said...

Grrrreat post!

From JenJen in kitten heels and yoga pants...

Anonymous said...

Yes, notes do help a lot. I use them all the time. They are great especially OVER THE TOILET! lOVE, Fancy Nancy

Aunt Becky said...

Notes are my boyfriend. Problem is, I never actually manage to WRITE them.

Unknown said...

Oh my gosh. dude - that was an AWESOME post. HA HA HA!!! I LOVE the Dick Van Dyke Show. I think I was happiest when it was on.....

Holy shit. How DID Laura do it? Casserole and martini. Those were the days.

I love your note idea. I should try it. But I'm afraid of what it might say....


P.S. And thanks for the squeeeeee. As long as it's from kids, I can totally take squeeing.


Anonymous said...
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Moooooog35 said...

..and that's how the police responded to a complaint regarding a domestic disturbance.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! You never disappoint, do you?

Justine said...

OMG, I laughed throughout this entire post! Your life is frickin' brilliant!

Justine :o )

Jessica Nunemaker said...


OH, husbands. Mine just about needs reminder notes all over too. If I trip over his shoes ONE MORE TIME! ;)

...from SITs.

Honey B. said...

I always thought notes for the hubby were so cute....he named it Post-It Stalking...which is why he's in the kitchen making a lovely casserole for dinner, and I'm in the living room blogging. Hah!

Honey B. said...

Oh yeah, Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest!

I got all into my husband thinking I should be a domestic goddess, and really enjoying the fact that HE's in the kitchen right

Cristin said...


I'd put notes around the house, but I don't think Hubs would notice unless they were stapled to his balls.

Dr Zibbs said...

I used to imitate that opening scence all the time.

Now I'm afraid I'll break a hip.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Loved this!

If I went all Laura Petrie on my husband I would find myself whipped into the bedroom so fast my pearls would be spinning around my neck.

Not gonna happen.

Though I might start leaving some notes. Do you think if i wrote them on construction paper then shove them inside his tripping hazard shoes that he'd get the message?

Mike said...

You are not allowed to talk with my wife. She might get ideas and then I'd be screwed...and not the good way.