Sunday, September 13, 2009

The One With The Top Ten Alternatives for the Title of this Post


Meet Rocky Balboa, The Bearded Dragon

10) Because 'James A. Beard' Is Already Taken ...

(And Beardy, Spot and Irving weren't very dignified)

9) The One With the $5 Turtle
(We were originally thinking turtle. Remember when you were a kid and you got a $5 box turtle? Well, nowadays - they carry Russian Tortoises at your local PetCo. Land Tortoise that grow to be 300 pounds and live well into their 90's. I need no part of any pet I have to Will to my grandchildren, thank you.)

8) The One in Which She is Grateful It's Not Snake
(self-explanatory thank you...)

7) The One in Which Her List of "Pet Do's and Don'ts" Just Got Longer'
(I didn't think I needed to add 'live insect eating' to my don'ts list...but apparantly simply having rules about fur, dander, saliva, poop- scooping, cloven hooves, genus rodent, beaks, feathers, noise, and smells didn't cover enough. )

6) Whatever Happened to Flushable Pets? (aaahhh, the good ole days when you could flush your carnival gold fish ...good times, good times)

5) Why Is It That I Have This Sudden Urge to Shop For Car Insurance?

4) The One In Which Her Smile Was So Bright We Don't Need the Heat Lamp
He Likes Me, He Really Likes Me!

3) Can I Turn My Bearded Dragon Into A Vegetarian?
(I am just so grossed out by the bug thing...I can't tell you. I know they need the protien, but you have to dust them with this calcium powder kind of like Shake and Bake. EEewww)


2) The One In Which She Asks "It Gets How Fucking Big?"
(Oh yeah , when the thing starts dropping turds the size of a Collie shit - I'm so moving to Vegas and will make slot machine coin by wearing a sandwich board on the Boulevard that asks people if they want to 'Touch My Lizard'. Either that, or I'm selling it on Craig's List)


And the Number One Alternative Title to This Blog Post is:

1) or ...How Much for the Bearded Clam?

(Because Hubby thought he was at a massage parlor. )

ps- yo, sisterbestfriend...you owe me for the rock and stick for the habitat. LOL
-------------------
Editor's Post Post Script: A friend with a bearded dragon that is 3 years old sent me a picture of her son with this 'thing'. It's head is the size of a clementine orange. Crap. This morning, I gave Rocky a little salad of arugula and shredded carrot. He took a few bites and pissed all over his driftwood. Double Crapper. Also , there are 5 dead fucking crickets in the tank. What do I do with the dead ones? Bloody Craptastic.

28 comments:

JenJen said...

award at my house. go get it.

Anonymous said...

OMG...a bearded dragon? I hope she didnt say it reminded her of Uncle Freddie, who might be the only other bearded thing she knows! Did she call the rock Dani? HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY! love Auntie Sisterbestfriend!

Matthew said...

You're funny. Kinda scary but still funny. I'll be back.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hehehehehe, been so long since I've heard "bearded clam"! Kudos to you, Swirlie!

Ashley said...

haha! I couldn't handle that! stopping by from SITS to say hi! love your blog :)

Kat said...

Oh my goodness. Is it in the air? Madalyn came up to me last night to say that she wanted a lizard for her birthday. In April. Not gonna happen!

Always Home and Uncool said...

Thing 1 is all over me for a chinchilla. I'm weighing this. At least when it keels over from neglect, the wife could get a nice scarf out of it.

Teri said...

Oh no, oh no. No bearded dragon. On no.

Fannie said...

There is NO WAY I would have that kind of pet. NO WAY!!!!

Big Mama Cass said...

*shudder* I am scared that I have a son that most surely will want something like that living in his room one day. *shudder* (had to throw the extra shudder in for effect) lol

The Blonde Duck said...

I had a leopard gecko once! My mom HATED it!

Soxy Deb said...

OMG I don't even know what to say. This is not my first choice of a pet. My first choice would have been a stuffed animal. That's a pet, right?

Millennium Housewife said...

Hey, over from SITS, funny post! MH

Aunt Becky said...

I give you two pieces of free assvice about crickets:

1) buy a cricket keeper

2) crickets smell like the worst, most awful piece of rotted ass on the planet.

Also, rock on.

Mike said...

I just flushed the dead fish this morning. I am so NOT showing the kids your blog....

Leah Rubin said...

My only pets are dust bunnies. I don't need to feed them, kennel them or walk them. Any questions?

for a different kind of girl said...

Dear heaven...you are a far, far, far better mom than I can even imagine being! I can't even wrap my head around having a dog around this joint yet! A lizard? Gah!

Creepy said...

Bearded Clam!! Bwahahahaha!!!!

I think that thing needs to suffer an unfortunate 'accident' before it gets too big.

moooooog35 said...

It's wrong to piss on my driftwood?

I never really liked that sculpture anyway.

Justine said...

ROFLMAO! OMG, this post has just tickled my funny bone. My friend across the street has two of these suckers and I have to say, I just don't get appeal. Can you take it out and "play" with it? Or do you just feed it creepy crawlies and watch it take insect dumps?

Justine :o )

Mama Kat said...

Thank you for the warnings...I just sat down to write my own list and I will add bug eating to the no no list. Ew.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Um.... ew.....

In my home all pets must have fur. WHich is why we're about to get a.... Guinea Pig.

Heaven help me.

Sorry I haven't stopped by in forever! You seriously crack me up.

Susan said...

I'm loving number 5... I thought car insurance immediately!

Job's good and hell at the same time. I have no time to blog and catch up, but I'm hoping to get back in touch with everyone now that school has started!

Yaya said...

Oh gosh....

Paige said...

aw, he is cute!

Lula! said...

Number 5 was my favorite...I seriously chuckled over that one. Geico should pay you...

Scary Mommy said...

My son has been mercilessly begging me for one of those. You are a much nicer mom than I!

LiteralDan said...

Don't feed him live ones one day and take a super-thin stick of some kind and poke 'em a bit until he strikes. That seems like it'd be a lot of fun.

Plus, you'd get an extra dose of that smug sense of superiority one gets from pet ownership!