Friday, March 13, 2009

Pride and Pre-juiced...**

** Because it is Friday - and I am looking forward to some major wine consumption about 4:00 later on this evening whilst Hubby and I watch something from Netflix ...I finally have an hour to catch you up. So here goes: {{pulls together all the little swatches of paper and used napkins from her purse}}

**Whilst sitting at a red light a few days ago, I turned my head toward the tell tale thumping of some serious base blasting from the car next to me. In the 'car' (and it was actually an old beat up pick up in Bond-O blue) there were two high school kids. Clean cut and almost ROTC looking dudes, I might add. The music was so loud the asphalt was literally shaking. I rolled my window down to hear what they were playing. One of the kids looked at me and smiled. "It's Death Metal, Ma'am" (Did he just Ma'am me? Oh, no he di-in't) Crap - I'm old. I never heard of Death Metal. This coming from a woman who's last CD was purchased from Pottery Barn or Starbucks (can you say Hootie and the Blowfish?) - I know nothing of this Death Metal. What comes after Death Metal? Funeral Dirge Metal??

**Whilst sitting outside watching the group of little 5 year old Tu-Tu'd darlings prance about in ballet class... "which one is yours?" I am asked. I point to the (cutest) one with the almost knee- length double braid and say "that one". "Are you her grandma? " (Did she just ask me if I was her Grandma? Oh no she di-in't). Crap- I'm not THAT old! I go back to listening to my Hootie on my Ipod and flipping through my Reader's Digest as I hike up my sweat pants and tighten the orthopedic shoes. Thanks, Bitch. And, by the way - your kid is ugly.

**The 9 year old has graduated from 4th grade Book Club with a Bachellor's Degree. 8 book reports with 3 to go for her Master's. The kid is a voracious reader. And, these reports are harder than my thesis paper at B.U. We have a project time line for due dates for which Emily has committed. We factor in the "I can't do this" and the fights with mom into the time line which as we have learned from experience...come regardless of degree of difficulty on each project.

Who knew 4th grade would be so challenging? In California, the entire 4th grade throughout the state studies California history. They study the Gold Rush, the California Missions (in which a styrofoam or sugar cube mission replica must be built repleat with real adobe roof tiles -no kits allowed and in which the local craft stores profit immensly I might add while the kids and their parents pull their fucking hair out and have even more fights with the kids who would rather play with the glue gun and their daddy actually said to the child "Don't be an asshole" while she was waving the Exact-O knife around trying to cut the whispy stringy thing of molten lava glue that was flying around the garage - and I quote that 'cuz he actually said it ...not me this time) They went on an overnight field trip to live and work on board a replica sailing vessel called the Brig Pilgrim (which cost $125 and the parents were hoping the kids would come back after working like slaves hoisting sails and swabbing decks and gathering hides with a greater appreciation of how lucky they are to have what they have when in actuality they came back thinking how cool was to learn the song 'What Can We Do with the Drunken Sailor').

Emily also was tested for the G.A.T.E. program . Which stands for Gifted and Talented Education. While mom sat through a two hour lecture and parental IQ test to see if their child is indeed a GATE kid...without coffee , I might add. The last IQ test I took was on-line and I got a 137 which I think is pretty good (and anything over 140 is near genius she says as she puffs and buffs fingernails on shirtsleeves). They gave us parents some sample questions that the kids were doing - I sat there with my chin on the table and was all "duh....".

She is also participating in the Women and History program in which 5 amazing women in history are presented and represented by various 4th and 5th graders to every class over the course of a week. Funny, my name wasn't on the list. Women like Harriet Tubman, Golda Meir, and Sally Ride - and maybe when my little one is in 4th grade ...Swirl Girl.

** The 5 year old is officially a reader. We have been reading to both girls since they were in utero. And, as most kids do ...she has been memorizing the books so she can recite them along with us. But in the past few weeks, the lightbulb has switched on for her and she is starting to put the sounds together to form the actual words - and not from memory.

Whilst at Starbuck's the other day, I am jotting down simple words on a napkin . Rhyming words like : Hop, Pop, Slop. Rachel is sounding out the letters (really loudly I might add) while I am reminding her that the end sound are all the same, and the beginning sounds are different.

I write Wall.

She says " Whu - ah- uhl- uhl , Wall:"
"Buh-ah-uhl-uhl, Ball"

she gets tripped up on the last one...I help out with "It rhymes with Ball and is the opposite of short."

She says - loud and proud - "PANTS"!

Bwaaahaaaahaaaa! Near genius #2 in the making.

- and they say drinking while pregnant impairs cognitive development. Now pass the Pinot and shut the fuck up.

** And I leave you with this rare clip of mommy doing what she loves most. Enjoying her vino and some snicky snacks on a gorgeous Southern California afternoon. Turn up the volume for this.... my new favorite nickname for my kid. P.I.T.A....'cuz that's how I roll.


Mama Wheaton said...

I so wish I could be back in California, so I can drink wine outside. i'm afraid it will be weeks here before that can happen. Your kids sound great and you sound busy! You better have another galss of wine.

sassy stephanie said...

You are cracking me up with your napkins!

My six year old is FINALLY getting it too..but only for her teacher, the little shit. She 'pretends' to not know much at home. Seriously annoying.

Putting the FUN in DysFUNctional said...

Ma'am and Grandma?! WTH is wrong with people?

Ash said...

Oh, all you Cali girls make me pea green!!

It's rainy and 40 here is Dallas. Yet the wine is still flowing - love when Hubs comes home early from work :-)

Grandma?! What the hell is wrong with people? They go straight from "So, how far along are you?" to "Are you Grandma?"

I hope you beat her with your cane.

Anonymous said...

That video is hilarious!!!! I LOVE it!!!!! Hahahaha!

With ya on the glass(es) of wine.

All I need now is a picture of George Clooney.

I cannot believe she asked if you were the Grandma. OMG.

TentCamper said...

I could fill you in on the Death Metal...cuz I created it. But explaining it could be hard because my IQ is 189. I'm sure you knew that from the quality of my posts and the wisdom I spew out. Anyway. Loved the post. I'm just having a 'brain fart' day!

Britt said...

I'm so jealous that you are sitting in your backyard eating snacks and drinking wine .. my backyard is a frozen dead place. *sigh*

That video cracked me up, though .. "Especially you, mom!" LOL =-)

and Death Metal .. ack! Just hit me over the head with a hammer, then scream in my ears. :-/

Unknown said...

P.I.T.A - G.A.T.E. - I.Q.- translation = L.O.L.!!!!!

for a different kind of girl said...

This post cracked me up! The video was a great capper. Love how the kids learned the true meaning of sacrifice on the field trip!

Aunt Becky said...

That woman called you a grandma? I'd cut her.

Kevin McKeever said...

Hootie is most unappreciated these days. That said, you're a dainty eater for someone with such a foul mouth. ;-)

Linda S said...

I think we should have cocktails at the end of every post! how cool would that be?

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, my. Our girls would have so much fun with each other.

When can I come for a visit?

nikkicrumpet said...

Are you her grandma? OH MY GOSH..I'm surprised you didn't pop the bitch upside the head! Ma'am is one thing...but that grandma remark smacks of some serious need for retribution! And I am stealing the "PITA" thing for my kids.

Anonymous said...

1) bondo-blue a la the blue bomber?
2) grandma?? wtf???
3) last iq test = 126. not a rocket scientist but not too shabby either
4)LOL that hubby said 'don't be an asshole'!!!
5) weather here: upper 40's - the tundra is starting to thaw. i, too, am jealous of your vino on the deck.
6) considering i spent a couple of hours in court today dealing with jared's BS, i'd take the days of a 5 & 9 year old in a heartbeat!

Lula! said...

So much to discuss...

You are not old.
You are a genius.
(As are your girls.)

What's a California mission?

P.I.T.A? Awesome. My new fave. Oh, and loved seeing you with your wine and snack...looking all carefree while your child cracks up laughing at you.

Justine said...

Okay, I think I love you! This post was just hilarious! Well, aside from your 4th grader being twice as smart as I am at the age of 38!

I've seen you floating around blogland here and there, and for reasons unknown to me, I never stopped by. Well, I'm here now and I'm stayin'!

Hop on over to the Froggy Bloggy and say hello anytime!

Justine :o )

Tootsie said...

OMG!!! your post is so funny! I was accused of being my 4 year old's an idiot that was hitting on me! yes...not a good approach is it? lol
I will be back again and again....and I think maybe a little wine needs to be in my future!

Mariah said...

Classic video, I love it!! And, for the record I have no clue what death metal is either

The Nice One said...

Love the video.
I LOVE the whole "WOW THEY CAN READ" moment. I cry.

MmmmMMmm May need wine tonite.

M said...

Loved the update!!

Grandma?? Are you kidding me?!

Please tell me her kid was hideous AND annoying.