Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The One in Which She Just Doesn't Get It

I just don't get it. Not all things, mind you. I consider myself a rational , intelligent individual (despite all evidence to the contrary) - but there are some things I just don't get.

Like this here thing called the Tornado Potato.

Everyone Some of you okay...a few of you know that my most favorite food group in the world is the 'toes group (chee, fri, dori and pota) and I have been known to experience such menu delights as the $20.00 Baked Potato (which was from one of my favorite restaurants in South Florida and consisted of a gigantic baked potato wrapped in crispy bacon and topped with shaved truffles MMMmmmgooood) and I am all about finding the crispy fries in the bottom of the box (called 'wellies' round these parts and any In N' Out Burger restaurant)...but this thing I don't get. Is it a boardwalk treat or a implement of pain? And if you've heard of these things, Tornado Potato's come with toppings like a dusting of 'cheese' or 'schmutz'. Who would want to eat schmutz?? Schmutz (pronounced shmoots as in rhymes with puts not putz) is something you scrape off your shoe or something you'd find under a table at Denny's...certainly not something you'd want to defile your beloved potato with. I guess you could call this thing a potato on a 'schtick' (badump chhh)! Obviously this snack sensation that is sweeping the boardwalks of our coasts was invented by some Carni hawker ...fucking Carnies and their unstructured suede boots. I don't get them either.

And I don't get why motorcycles are allowed to drive between lanes? Also known as lane splitting. In California, motorcycles are allowed to manuever between lanes in slow traffic. The thing is...there is no slow traffic in California. Merging onto one of our heavily congested freeways at 65 miles an hour is hard enough without having dodge Dr. Liposucker and his 'moll' on their $85,000 Harley. Just once, I'd like to spy one of these motorcycles weaving in and out of lanes and just when he's approaching me (that is to assume that I can see the friggin' douchebag in the first place which most of the time I can't )- I wanna open the car door on him and **oops**! If I have to use signals, not pass on the right, keep right except to pass, drive at safe speeds ...so should everyone else.

And you know what else I don't get?? Does every gas station attendant and 7-11 employee have to take a vow that they will always be on the phone? Is it on the application? Who are they talking to anyway?? Are these guys really employees of the gas station or 7-11 or are they actually {insert name of customer service institution here } call center ? "Thank you for calling Dewey, Cheetum and Howe. This is Mujibur, how may I be of service to you today ? and that will be $20 on pump 8 , vwon Qvick pick and a curry shake? ** Not you ma'am, please hold..."

Why does it cost $51.00 to see a kids movie?? We took the girls to see Ice Age 3 the other night. Effin' Fifty One Effin dollars just for tickets. Why? It's 3-d and according to the gum snapper** behind the counter, there is a $3 up-charge for the 3-D!! I don't get it. The movie is made already. The theater has all the equipment to run the 3-d movie already. They ask for the 3-d glasses back at the end of the movie and that's fine 'cuz life is already in 3-d and the dang glasses look goofy and don't block UV rays or else everyone would want to take them home...So what is the upcharge for? The theater is gonna 'gitcha' with $25 in assorted stale popcorn and Raisinettes and water....So what's the $3 per ticket upcharge for??? I just don't get it.

And last in today's rant list of things I just don't get...(and mostly I don't get why I am even wasting my fingertips on this but if one more person asks me if I saw the funeral I am gonna go postal on someone) is this: The dude is dead. He was a talented entertainer for sure. He was a the butt (no pun intended) of every late night talk show joke. A troubled , tortured, acquitted (but guilty?) child molester that nobody wanted to admit knowing a few years ago, he hated himself so much that he did eveything physically that he could to change his appearance.....but a great man?? A great father?? (I wouldn't let my kid spend the night, how about you?) A role model?? A hero?? I don't think so. I just don't get it. And in a state where we are closing schools and giving IOU's to tax payers for their refunds and paychecks...the city of Los Angeles spent over $4 million on police and security thus depleting the city's overtime budget and snarling traffic and pre-empting Oprah and Ellen to televise the flower festooned gold casket. I think the Jackson Family Trust should have to foot the bill for this one, not the taxpayers. That would be the heroic thing to do. And 'we' have to find the person who administered the fatal drug?? Is it so hard to believe that Mr. Jackson (if you're nasty ) survived all these years on a cocktail of various and sundry psycho-active drugs and strong pain killers? Is it possible that he just took the wrong combination of drugs himself - whether or not intentional - as a way to further disconnect himself from his inner 'whose Bad?" Why must it be assumed that something was administered by some less than scrupulous doctor? Gotta find the evil-doer. God forbid we all just go back to thinking he was Whacko-Jacko. Why can't everyone just own up. Okay, so he was and forever will be the King of Pop. And O.J. wasn't guilty either.

But I just don't get it.


**I am in no way implying the pre-requisite for working the register at a 7-11 or a gas station is being of Indian descent, I just call it like I see it...so if I offend anyone - sorry 'bout that . I am an equal opportunity offender. I am implying , however, that every employee of the movie theater is indeed a gum snapper.







27 comments:

Anonymous said...

!. MJ- dead and gone....move on
2. Ill have one curry dog with that slushie please
3. Any respectfull carnie would love a potato with a stick in the center....easy to poke you with my dear
4. Motorcycles....after a few rides in my teen years (all my bf's had them) i swore them off....so open the door my dear...get them where they ride...in the center of two cars.
5. Where is that place in So FLA, My daughter would LOVE that potato.

sassy stephanie said...

Fifty one bones? I'dda kept the damn glasses.

I agree about the MJ service. Nice, but seriously, can't his record label/family/wealthy friends foot the bill?

Creepy said...

So much snark so little time... and so much wine as to make commenting a challenge here...

You tell my you're putting schmutz on my fries and I'm gonna think you rubbed one out on them... not cool...

I don't have a beef with motorcyclists, but there are plenty of bicyclists that enjoy riding on my winding country road who have NOT enjoyed my horn blaring at them as they take up the whole freakin road...

Our cheesy theater doesn't run 3D movies...so I've managed to dodge that $51 bullet...

And MJ... his whole life makes me happy and sad... I see him as a tragic figure and worry for his children... and Janet should cough up that 4mil for sure...

JenJen said...

Carnies! Ew Ew Ew (insert girly yuk noises here).

Sass said...

Honestly? I'd eat the potato.

I'm just sayin'.

Everything else you said, I pretty much agree with.

As usual. ;)

Kat said...

That movie that gave me the kidney stone last week? It was $75 for tickets and popcorn. And there was no 3d involved. Crazy.

I wish the toes food group was the basis for Weight Watchers.

And I have somehow trained my brain to disconnect when anything MJ related comes on. Except that I did somehow notice all the sunglasses. It's dark in that auditorium already. Why do they need the shades??

I cannot wait to snark with you for real in October!!

Susan said...

Oh my god... first, I love how your mind can jump from potatos to motorcyles, to indian gas attendants.

And did you say MUJIBAR???

I'm laughing my ass off.

Justine said...

OMG, all of this was just too funny. Especially because Grand Pooba just did a post in which her hubby "white lined" on the freeway in CA last weekend.
I'm very sorry MJ is gone, he was a huge part of my childhood. But his memorial was more like a concert or circus than a memorial.
WTF is up with that tater?
Curry shake? OMG, too funny!

Justine :o )

Danielle said...

Kuddos on this one sister. You hit it right on the nail.

for a different kind of girl said...

There's a deli near here that serves a baked potato that's as big as a toddler's head. I swear go heaven they must grow it in a lab because there's no way those things grow in nature (and if they did, I'd be sitting out in the field waiting for them to be ready because I LOVE anything potato). There are days I wake up and realize my night was filled with dreams of those baked potatoes.

Soxy Deb said...

Girl I loved this whole post. Every bit of it. I can see myself opening my car door to knock the effer off his bike.
But I hate that you put the disclaimer at the end. I know WHY you did it, I just wish we didn't always feel like we had to censor ourselves or add disclaimers.
I want to go back to saying whatever the hell I want to and damn the torpedoes.
Or consequences.
Whichever of those is correct.
:)

Diane J. said...

I'm laughing my rear off! Oh my gosh, too damn funny.

Totally over Whacko's passing. Sorry, I should be more respectful, but enough already. I get so sick of people worshipping celebrities. Like when a plane goes down and a dozen people die, they focus only on one celebrity. Right the other people meant nothing to anyone else. ARGH!

Ditto on motorcycles, but I would like to add the bicyclists to this catagory as well. No they can't keep up with us speed wise, but they are entitled to hog the whole road and dart in and out of spots and you have to watch out for them. I so want to make one meet the bumper of my truck.

The potato is funky, but if it's crispy, yummmm.

Glad I found your blog, you're a crack up.

One Sassy Girl said...

Girl, I hear you on the MJ sitch. What little time I have to watch the news lately leaves me knowing more about his egg donor's custody concerns than what our troops are doing abroad. Can we let the poor man-boy rest already? Love your blog!

http://www.hotpieceofsass.com/

Aunt Becky said...

I don't get it either.

The Nice One said...

Laughing out loud with water coming out of my nose at the 7-11 thing. oh my goodness....love the disclaimer too.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

"few of you know that my most favorite food group in the world is the 'toes group (chee, fri, dori and pota)"
Seriously one of the funniest things I've EVER seen.
And that potato tornado looks kinda good to me. I'm just saying.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Okay my dear, I can agree with you on everything EXCEPT for the motorcycle part.

I once felt as you do, but now that my husband has a Harley I know more of their point of view. I'm more cautious and aware of them.

They get to lane split so that they don't over heat. If you've ever been on a bike in traffic while having your balls burned to a singe you'd understand a little better. (and yes, I have balls)

As for not being able to see them, I hear ya, but they do their best to be overly cautious that they are seen and heard.

Please allow me, with all good intentions, to direct you to this post. The poem in particular. Just think, it could be me on that bike you didn't see :)

http://tattooedminivanmom.blogspot.com/2008/10/you-didnt-judge-my-cover.html

Jill said...

I agree on most- except the potato thingie looks great!

As far as MJ- we are dealing with the same thing in TN. Steve McNair- football payer- killed by his girlfriend in a murder/suicide. the memorial services are shown live on the news and pre-empt other shows. This guy was cheating on his wife and got killed. Sad but hey, dont cheat and maybe you wont get shot!

jill.watkins@gmail.com

Anna Lefler said...

I remain:

1. anti-carney
2. anti-schmutz
3. pro 'toes

Aw, dangit, now I'm hungry.

Happy weekend...

:-D Anna

Scary Mommy said...

I was *just* muttering to my husband how much I despise movie prices and don't get how they get away with it. It kills me!

The Blonde Duck said...

TOTALLY agree with the last one. It's so excessive.

♥ Braja said...

I don't get it either. Oh, but the potatoes? I get anything to do with potatoes, yeah...the rest? Nup...

Organic Meatbag said...

Ouch! Ouch! My brain hurts after reading this...hahahaha! You had me at potato tornado... *drool*

Fannie said...

But did you TRY the potato thingy? Was it good? Inquiring minds want to know.

Mike said...

Excuse me, no slow traffic in So Cal? Are you crazy? Have you not been stopped in gridlock at 5:00 on any freakin freeway here? The whole Southland turns into one large parking lot. Sorry, had to point that out. Former bike rider who used to cut through "slow" traffic.

Got to agree with everything else though. Nice list. I'm with you, the crunchy fries at In and Out are the best....

Em said...

I'd eat just about anything from a street vendor, but that stick, I'd so poke my eye out.

I've been without news for two weeks and I come back to M.J. STILL being featured. I figured it was because the economy was booming, North Korea blew itself up and Iran finally ran a fair election.

No such luck.

I'm going for two more weeks. Want to join me?

Lula! said...

I want that potato thing. As I love the 'toes, too.

Um...yes, all quickie store clerks ("quickie store" is what we call 'em here in the south) are required to be on the phone. And smoking. And drinking a big gulp.

And Carnies...
oh, girl, I am anti-Carny.
The end.

p.s. Best post EVER from you.