Monday, July 27, 2009

I'll Take Some Dumb Luck and a Side Of Eggroll

O How I wish you were some dish at an exotic Chinese Restaurant.

I know there are people out there with waaaay more shit to deal with than I do. And I am just being a brat with my kvetching about stupid shit. But it's my shit and I want to kvetch.


Just my Dumb Luck illustration #1:

Our state is out of money. So our cops are out there in full force hiding behind trees writing tickets for every possible infraction they can. Sure - I took a right on red on a street that I have taken about a cajillion times (that means I have wronged -on- red about a cajillion times). And my dumb luck? Motorcycle cop hiding lying in wait busted me. "Mea Culpa, Occifer." I honestly didn't know it was a 'no right on red' from the inside turn lane. Swearz. My bad. But while you were writing my ticket...about 24 cars whizzed past us. And - of those 24 cars , about 21 of those drivers were talking on their cell phones...with phone in hand. So you coulda made quota off these guys then the measly $35 infraction that my 'wronging -on-red' racked up. Not only do I get whacked for the ticket, but I wind up having to pay $203 (for a $35 crime) because the Legislators tack on all kinds additional fees (according to the courthouse employee I spoke to today). So I'll pay my fine and promise to heed the traffic signs and do everything right as I always (try) to do and hope I don't get hit by the 21 (with my Dumb Luck uninsured) drivers talking on their cell phones





Just my Dumb Luck illustration #2:



I pay about $550 a year for Homeowner Warranty. My Dumb Luck experience tells me that the moment my warranty runs out - the shit will hit the fan. My washing machine stopped draining water. I call Warranty company...they send out a guy (total aside: why are all the contractors sent out by said company named Vlad and from Russia or the Ukraine? discuss) who replaces the pump. It works great for him. He leaves...and later I run a load of wash and guess what? You got it. Full of water. I call them back , Vlad comes back out...runs a load. It works for him. Next day...guess what my dumb luck left in the washing machine? Yup. 3 inches of water. I call the company again and they say Vlad isn't available until Wednesday. I say " Can you send someone else?" They say "No, we send the same technician because he knows what he did " I say - "well, since he's been here twice and I still have water in my washing machine, maybe he doesn't." You see, it's comments like this that don't warrant pleasantries for me. I gotta work on that. "Tell Vlad, Wednesday's good."

I have three weeks until I have to renew the Warranty. Not counting the shower (not covered )and the outdoor electrical (also not covered) how many more things can go wrong??
...hmmmm. Before I fill that half empty glass with a nice Pinot Noir, lemme whip out the checkbook. My Dumb Luck tells me it will be all the things will fall apart are those things in the 'exclusions to warranty' section of my contract anyway.



Dumb Luck Illustration #3:

Speaking of protection ...I had a virus about a year and half ago. A worm that infected my desktop and ate up all my shit. Two visits from the GeekSquad and $350 later...all is well. Then just yesterday, I was on Facebook and the screen goes all wonky and throws out words like Trojan and Worm and Infected (which I immediately chuckle because I thought Trojan's were things that are supposed to protect your 'worm' against viruses) and my personal life is compromised and ....crap. My Dumb Luck, you ask? The Spyware that my Geek who Squaded installed here expired about 3 months ago. Fargin Icehole.

Okay - so maybe I haven't always been the biggest believer in luck. I know, I know...I have always been a naysayer and a 'glass half emtpy' kind of person. When life has given me lemons what have I done? Instead of making lemonade , I have historically sucked the pulp and chewed the pits and all until I was a shrivelled puckered up sour-puss which is why I have permenant lines from wincing and pursing my Doubting Thomas (aka angry ) eyebrows. (Lovingly referred to as my 11 (picture this ^"^) until my daughter pointed out that I should call it my 111 which would make it look more like ^"'^ ) . I have seriously considered getting Botox to get rid of my 'experience lines' ...but with my Dumb Luck - I'll get the botulism kind instead of the cosmetic kind.

But I just have to say ...I have had just about enough of you lately. So next time - hold the eggroll.

24 comments:

Organic Meatbag said...

Mmmmm, I like Pepper Steak...I mean, wow, what terrible shit luck! But I know exactly what you mean: as soon as my Toyota Rav4 warranty ran out, bam! Needed new brake drums... as soon as my Wife found a doctor she really liked, bam! Our insurance no longer covers that Doctor...
I'm right there on the sad sack express with you, if that's any consolation...

Lula! said...

It's all just Murphy's Law. You just wrote it funnier...better...and much more entertaining.

I've missed you.

I love Vegas. Just so you know.

JenJen said...

Swirl....
You crack me out.
Fargin Icehole? Trojans to protect your worms....??? HAHAHAHAHA.
Excellent!

Kat said...

Hey...this is my life you are talking about!

We bought this house two years ago. And no one seems to have noticed that when they redid the kitchen, they tiled in my dishwasher. So...when it breaks, I'll not only need a new dishwasher, but a new floor. We are just biding our time :-)

Diane J. said...

I agree with the Murphy's Law comment.

Hang in there, hope all turns around quickly.

cIII said...

"Fargin Icehole".....

Johnny Dangerously....

I think I love you.

Justine said...

OMG, I'm totally sorry for your dumb luck, but it sure did make for a funny post, Swirly!

Justine :o )

Trooper Thorn said...

Oi, we all shoul have such luck. As the good book says, if you spit in the air, it lands in your face.

A day in the life of Stacey.... said...

You are so funny! I love your blog and I hope that I will be able to read it alot! :)

Aunt Becky said...

Man, that blows. I go through periods like that too. I call it "life" these days.

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

Sigh...

Wanna go four leaf clover hunting with me?

Mike said...

Karma is a bitch and sometimes it works that way as well. Have another glass of Pinot and maybe the worries will go away. Or at least you'll not be as concerned with them...

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

I've decided that rather than pay for a warranty on most of my appliances, I'll just wait until they break and then buy new ones on Craigslist. I know that sounds silly, but there are tons of perfectly good used fridges, washers, microwaves, etc. out there for ridiculously low prices and if you get a good brand, they last for decades. Our fridge and washer have lasted about 20 years. I bought our dryer on Craigslist 2 years ago for $50. I had to because our space is really tiny and that was the only place I could find one to fit, but it's been a great dryer. I just couldn't see $300-$400 for a new one even if I could find that size.

Mariah said...

I swear, when the shit hits. It really hits. It's always like that. You should be done forawhile now though.

The Blonde Duck said...

That's some crappy luck!

The Nice One said...

Aw what crap. I hate the ticket thing....our town was doing that for a while. Needed to raise money so drove around the neighborhood ticketing EVERYONE for stupid infractions...fee city.

Bejewell said...

Home warranties are bullshit. There. I said it. They're just a big racket. Probably run by the Russian mob. Vlad probably wasn't available because he double-crossed someone before getting made and now he's sleeping with the fishes.

Clearly i've seen The Godfather WAY too many times.

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh man! You are having a bad week. That is the worst. I have been seeing cops like crazy lately too. I live in Pa. outside of Philly. I wondered what was up. Thankfully I haven't gotten any tickets lately! KNOCK ON WOOD! Hope your weekend is fantastic!

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO@which I immediately chuckle because I thought Trojan's were things that are supposed to protect your 'worm' against viruses)

Yep that would be murphy's law Or some ancient chinese proverb or something...and i am sorry i laughed...at your post NOT you or your circumstances

Tania @ Larger Family Life said...

Sod's Law strikes.

Great post!

Tania (via SITS)

bigmamacass said...

lmfao!! that blog was WONDERFUL!!! Oi! Thank you for the laugh! And I am so glad to finally meet someone on blogland with the "glass is half empty" attitude because I was starting to wonder if I was the only one lately. So... Hola! Nice to meetcha :) Plus it is a HUGE bonus for me that you curse in your blog because I speak like a sailor and have been trying to clean up my act for my blog as to not piss people off and its starting to get on my last nerve... so ok... this comment is random ... sorry :)

Yaya said...

Why is it that everything breaks the day after the warranty runs out?

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