Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The One Where Toys Will Be Toys :O

**WARNING: Danger, Danger Will Robinson....
..(wave robotic accordian arms up and down)

The following post enters dangerous territory - - so step away from the keyboard if you get sqeamish or you are my mom or anyone who has seen me in a diaper or may possibly see me in a diaper in (hopefully) the distant future.

You have been warned.

*Editors Note: I have been trying to write this post for over a week now, but it is hard to write a post about sex toys when your kids are bopping around all over the place. So now they are fully entranced in the Wizard of Oz for about the billionth time and I am sitting only a few feet away so if I quickly reduce the screen to avoid burning their little retinas or suddendly have to dash - you'll understand - then I have to remember to delete these photos from the laptop since it's really not mine in the first place and Yes, honey - it was me who popped the '9' off the keyboard to retrieve the tiny bead that fell under the '9' when I was trying to write a sex toy post and simultaneously tie a tiny bead bracelet that my kid was stringing. My bad, dude.)

Bring It On or Turn It On:

So a while back I was contacted, like so many others in this sisterhood of the travelling rants, by Drew of Eden Fantasys, the online adult personal products store and magazine to write a review about a product of my choosing. Well, even after I made snarky comments (as I am wont to do ) I did just that. It turned out it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. (bad pun intended and will likely be forthcoming in the ensuing post).

I'd have to say the hardest thing about the whole thing was choosing my 'weapon of choice'. How could I do a straight up review when so many of the toys were curved for my enjoyment? What was even harder, was finding a personal pleasuring device that actually looked like a personal pleasuring device. I wanted to find something that looked like a sex toy , not a child's toy.

like these: the little wormy, and my personal favorite the B and D Duckie, and how 'bout those Care Bears??

And while I may have been the hit with some of the other mommy's at the Planned Urban Development's community pool should these little pocket rockets have made their way from my sidetable drawer to the tubby to the beach bag - I though it best not to choose one of these gizmos as my personal plaything .

I went with Papa Smurf or as they call it in the business...The Insatiable G. I want a sex toy that looks like a sex toy. You chose well, grasshopper. And while it may raise some eyebrows should the girls be snooping (which they haven't done yet and I am not looking forward to the time when they inevitably will) there is no doubt what Papa Smurf is all about.

So the question remains dearies - what would your ideal personal pleasuring device be like?

Would it be discreet , disguised as a 'massager' or all out 'in-your-face-I -am-a -vibrating - penis- damn-it' with life-like circumcised male characteristics ?

Would it "clean the house, make dinner, tell you how great you look and then give you a mind blowing orgasm"? (thanks Drew - you have a future in sex toys, oh- you're already in it!)

So now here's the thing : The folks at Eden Fantasy's will give you one if you are willing to share your Fantasy Fantasy with us. Everyone's got one...and if you don't - you're lying!! So fess up and do tell!! 'Cuz how else am I gonna be able to give one away!!

So here's how to do it:

Leave me a comment telling me what your Fantasy toy is. If you want to do that privately, leave me an email at dwgoldstein at roadrunner dot com. But if you do that, I will most likely have to share if I pick you to win, but I will not divulge the real source if you ask me not too)

Follow @DrewG78 on Twitter or drewg78 on Facebook for additional entries. Just tell me you did.

Rules of the Road:

#1= US and Canada only and #2= 1 Toy For the Winner Value $40 or less. #3= Must be 18 or older. (vee haf vays of discovering such things)

Then, I'll do something really scientific like crumbling up little pieces of paper and tossing them in a bowl and pick a winner. 'Cuz I live in the LA area, maybe I can get the dudes who keep all the Oscar winners names under wraps to pick the winner...but I think they may a little busier now that The Academy has added 5 more films in the Best Picture category.

Who knows - maybe one of you will come up with the next best thing to sliced bread! 'Cuz if you've ever tried to pleasure yourself with sliced bread, it's kinda messy and not very fullfilling if you know what I mean.

Contest will run until July 4th ...which I think is an appropriate way to celebrate my first ever bloggy contest. It' s my version of "Love American Style (truer than the red, white, and blue-woo-woo-woo!)"

Get to it!!


Miz Dinah said...

Heh dirty girl! I love it! ;)

Anonymous said...

I prefer the kind you buy in Brookstone....hiden right in the drawer next to my bed... in plain sight!
I dosn't have to look like a penis to work better than a penis!

Aunt Becky said...

Dude. I need a nap. And a new mattress. I also need to replace Big Pink, my ancient vibrator. The Beaver Twister, although 45 times as expensive, broke my poor vagina.

Cristin said...

Ummmmm....My ideal personal pleasuring device? You got anything in Johnny Depp circa Gilbert Grape? Yah. that would work for me.

Scary Mommy said...

All I want in my bed these days is Bradley Cooper. Can you deliver him to me? Because that would be great.

Mariah said...

I will follow you on twitter and facebook as soon as I find a. Computer, I'm commenting from my phone. Anyway,favorite toy is the'bunnie' but it doesn't look at all like a bunnie

Our Crazy Life said...

I think a "My first sex toy kit" is just what I have been needing!!

Anonymous said...

I think I know what anonymous is talking about.

I saw that episode of Real Housewives of Orange County (they are totally fugazi by the're the REAL housewife of LA) where the one dumbass chick that looks like Steven Tyler thought they were pens but they were actually "discreet" sex toys.

I would have to go with the Fukuoku power pack. Because it sounds powerful. It has the word "power" in it.

Anonymous said...

AND, I'm following Drew dawg on Twitter.

Danielle said...

I have that exact toy you call smurf. The greatest invention since the light bulb. Yahooooo!!!!

Dana said...

your blog is great and all toys are fun... i have a"ladybug" my eight year old daughter found it and all i could come up with is "don't worry about it" and i had to walk away so she didn't see me laugh hahah great contest

for a different kind of girl said...

So far, all my toys have been undiscovered. At least, I assume they haven't been. None seem to ever have been moved lest I've moved them, nor do my kids seem any more traumatized than normal by having me as their mom, far, so good, I guess!

If I had one that was also a great great conversationalist, that would be awesome. Barring that, I need one that has it going on like a turbo 'Vette. Does that mean large and in charge (or fully charged?)? Well, yes, I believe it does.


p.s. I've been a longtime Drew Twitter follower!

Now I'm going to sit back and cross my fingers and anything else. Did I mention I was broke? Would that help?


Justine said...

Well dang girl, I tried finding you on Facebook with both your user name and your email addy and I got nothin'. What's up with that?
I want me a toy! Seriously? I threw any that I used to have out, like 2 years ago. A bit of desperation here, especially when reading Lora Leigh novels!

Justine :o )

Lula! said...

A pocket-sized rocket that whispers sweet nothings to me. In Jason Statham's voice. It would also double as a lighter, as I always smoke after sex. I'm quite certain Jason does, too.

I'm not even kidding about this.

Anonymous said...

4th of July is our anniversary! Never heard of this new toy you got though. I'm more a silver bullet fan.

The Blonde Duck said...

I had to scroll through fast b/c I'm at work!

Kevin McKeever said...

Cindy Crawford and a box of assorted donuts. Mmmmmm ... dooo-nuts.

TooFatties said...

I've heard lots of good things about your Papa Smurf. I'm more of a silver bullet kinda gal. And since I'm bringing it up, I'm kinda in need of a new one. Yeah, the little sucker I have just randomly cuts off. Seriously. Not. Good.

Off to follow you on Twitter.

Love the blog! Can't wait to meet you at SITScation!

TooFatties said...

And I'm following Drew too!

Fragrant Liar said...

I suddenly feel so sheltered. And I used to write for Playgirl! What with the Smurf guy? I will have to check out Eden Fantasy's site for Smurf offerings. I am going to use them to for my 100th post celebration.

So hmmm, fantasy toy. So many toys, so little $$. I'm thinking my fantasy toy would be one of the more advanced rabbits. I also like the g-spot vibes too.

Organic Meatbag said...

I think it would be cool if they made a Transformers sex toy... you know, one minute it's a vibrator, and then the next minute, you can convert it into a melon-baller or a fly swatter...ya know, something practical!

Sass said...

I'm dying laughing.

First of all, Organic Meatbag...I don't think we want our vibrators turning into kitchen utensils.




Silver Bullet = Sheer Perfection.

And it doesn't need me to cuddle with it late at night. It never farts in bed, and I've yet to see it leave pee dribbles on the toilet seat.

Yup yup.

Moooooog35 said...

What is this thing you call, 'sex?'

JenJen said...

I am thinking that my fantasy toy (as in doesn't exist right now, like the perfect pair of jeans and a hair product that will make my mane look like I'm in a hair product commercial without an army of people...ahem...sorry, digression) would be: Pool Boy Pleasure Puff. First. Everyone needs a pool boy (think lotion, drinks with umbrellas, killer abs, loves to do laundry and pick up dog poop)pleasure (obvious vibration, circle motion, whatev) and Puff because I wanted them all to begin with P and Puff sounds so innocent.

Holly @ Domestic Dork said...

Ha! This post cracked me up. {Stopping by from SITS}

Not entering the contest, just wanted to tell you that you made me LOL.