Monday, May 4, 2009

The One In Which She is Comfortably Numb

So I had to go back to the dentist today because even his office is telemarketing customers these days. No, I actually had two cavitites to fill in my 45 year old pie-hole. I am amass with fear and trepidation over any doctor visit, even more so when I know that I will be receiving some kind of treatment. So Dr. Chris, who seems to have a new baby on the way everytime I visit him (or I should say his wife is having the baby) which may explain the need for his office to telemarket and troll for patients because he is starting his own little Duggar family and awaiting the call from TLC for his reality show....sorry about that! Anyway - Dr. Chris comes in and shakes my hand...explains what we are going to do .



I tell him, as I do everytime - that I need the play -by- play and he is NOT TO SHOW ME any of the instruments of 'mass dental destruction' or I am outta there. Hell, I didn't even watch the birth of my daughters or even look at them until they were well out of the zone and the nurses cleaned them up. I plug in the earbuds of my IPod and begin to channel my inner calm when he comes at me with ....and my eyes are still open, mind you, a cotton swab loaded with a topical numbing gel. I tell him - "Dude, I said wait 'til my eyes are closed" and he says "it's just a Qtip, swirl girl...Jeez."

Okay, deep breathing and Pat Metheny cued up on the Ipod...I am good now.

So he swabs me and I am all "that wasn't so bad" then he tells me what is coming next and while he is speaking he thinks he can sneak in the Novacaine needle while I'm distracted ...as he is sneaking the needle in , I inadvertantly raised my left hand and get poked by the needle in the juicy vein in my left hand. Just a little, but enough to feel some effects of the juice. Cool.

I wait for him to stop laughing...and I have squoze my eyes waaaay tight and brings the needle to my face (which sucks, cuz I have seen it already and now I have to re- psyche myself up for it) shoves it in and leaves me alone to numb up. A few minutes later, he comes back in, drill drill drill and we're done. Dr..Chris says next time he'll prescribe a valium for me to calm me down before I come in. I said "there won't be a next time". He said "there's always a next time"**

**I gotta tell you all, if I could invent anything in the world that would be a boon to people all over the world- it would be a 100% silent dentist drill. It's not the 'pain' that I hate about a dentist visit, it's that sound. Worse than nails on a chalkboard...worse than the sound of screeching tires...that sound is the stuff of nightmares.

**I also gotta tell you - that I really wonder if I had cavities at all or did I just finance the new nursery ?? You know, because I am such a trusting soul and never doubt anyone's motives.

Needless to say I am typing this with my right hand now, since not only are my tongue and lips all wonky - but so is my hand.

Let's just say I am the worst patient any doctor would never want to have.

Which reminds me, I need to have a schmear and a squish soon. (pap and boob).

Hello , Dr. Chris - would give me a valium so I can make those appointments???





21 comments:

Fritzie said...

Oh, I wish I had a dentist that would prescribe me a valium .. for the dentist visit of course ;-)

I get so freaked out, I wear off my numbing meds. Once, I got the maximum .. I think it was three or four shots .. and I still felt twinges. They told me I just needed to calm down, because my body was flushing out the meds with adrenaline or something .. yeah, sure I'll calm down as you shove a drill in my mouth.

Crossing my fingers for valium for you! =-)

Em said...

A silent dentist drill - brilliant!

I won't even ask how you drove home.

Soxy Deb said...

Well, you type very well with just the one hand. Not many typos at all. hehe.

I totally agree with you on the noise issue. That used to get sme every time, so now I self-medicate.
What?!

Kate said...

shudder**. I. hate. the. dentist. But a silent drill? You might have just made your millions.

Aunt Becky said...

You're brilliant! The drill idea is golden.

for a different kind of girl said...

You know, my dentist is a baby ingredient supplier, too. He has a family of epic size, and yet, strangely, he still looks not a day over 30, though he's older than me. I don't know if he's unlocked any secrets in the x-ray room at the dental office, but now that you say it, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm funding something, too!

amelia bedelia said...

This made me laugh out loud! I'm lovin' that I'm not the only big baby out there.

Sass said...

I cringed through the whole post.

Nothing strikes fear in me quite like the dentist...

Oh, and rats.

That's about it.

Romi said...

Yikes! I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. Last time I went - my dentist prescribed Vicodin for "Pain Management"...not sure if it was for me or him. It appears my screaming broke records and ear drums within a 50 mile radius.

A silent drill would be wonderful.

Anonymous said...

My dentist now offers laser, no drill fillings! I love my dentist...and little shop of horrors! I have not have a cavity in 20or more years...who are your parents? I think I saw a big plant in the corner!

The Blonde Duck said...

You poor thing. I hate the dentist.

Fannie said...

I end up crying not from PAIN but from STRESS. And when I went in for my cleaning last week? Half a Valium before I went in. It works wonders.

Justine/Justiney/Tiney said...

I'd rather flop my boobs on a squisher and have my hoo hoo opened with that huge clamp at the same time, than go to the dentist for even a cleaning. I have a toothache now, and I know I've got tons of cavities, but holy panic attack! I can't handle knowing I have to be still for such and such a time, and then damn! Why do they always have to wiggle that ginormous needle around until it hits a frickin' NERVE???????

Oh man, I need extra therapy now. Thanks Swirly.

Justine :o )

nikkicrumpet said...

I totally feel your pain. I'm am scared to death of the dentist. To me it's the worst thing on the PLANET! In Utah my dentist would give me laughing gas the second I sat in the chair...it was AWESOME because it calms you down so you really don't care what they do. However much to my horror....the dentists here in Massachusetts don't use gas....I think it's because they are evil satanists and like causing pain and fear! I swear if I ever need dental work again...I'm flying to Utah! It would be worth the airfare!

sassy stephanie said...

Oh wait...not only the sound, how about the smell? It always smells like something is burning. Ew.

Please sign me up for the valium. Just tell him you'll be there and to call in the Rx for ya.

schmear and a squish...you funny girl.

Lula! said...

Note to self:
Take Pat Matheny's tunes with you to dentist for your next appointment.

I've never had a cavity (don't hate me) or any kind of work done my teeth, but the silent drill thingy seems to be a much-needed invention. You are a genius.

Heather said...

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon and I'm already feeling faint.

Susan said...

Oh my god - I'm laughing hysterically! I HATE the dentist and no matter where I am as a patient I ask 101 questions out of nervousness!!

Lee of MWOB said...

This is where you hate me. I have no friggin' clue what you are talking about. I think I've been to the dentist like 10 times in my entire life, have never had a cavity or anything else that happens with teeth.

Well, I did get my wisdom teeth pulled but I was on so much nitrous or some IV happy stuff, I don't remember a thing and it was all good.

But silent dental drill? Sounds brilliant.

Mariah said...

Fuck dentists. So did your arm go numb?

Mama Nut said...

I hate going to the dentist! He loves to inflict pain, I know it! They just pretend they care.