Thursday, January 29, 2009

**UPDATE!!** Friday
I found Shauna of See My Designs - the wonder woman who designed my blog back in July. She found my header and is working to re-head my beheaded site. Phew!
And, I am not supposed to ask you to click on the ads, but if you choose to do so on your own...well, goody. And, lastly -the beast with 8 babies already has 6 at home and lives with her parents. She has gone into hiding ...or is holding out for a call from TLC. Either way, she's a freak or is starting her own cult. It's okay to drink the Kool-Aid, babe.

Thursday...
So I am so frustrated right now I could seriously hurt someone. It's been a while that I have a good bitch session so hold on to your seats for a touch of Swirl Girl's own special brand of whoop-ass:

1) I decided to follow someone's advice and put Google AdSense on here so I could make tons of money a $1.27 and somehow it deleted my awesome header. So while your clicking on the ad for some TubeLube and Amazondotcom and whatever else AdSense thinks is apropos for my blog (that means do it incessantly 'til your fingers hurt and the ENTER button on your keyboard falls off) - if you find my cute header in your trash somewhere, please send it home. It is amazing how attached you get to something like your cartoon image...I feel naked without it - and there is good naked and bad naked. This is the bad naked.

2) What is so difficult about making lines in the circle at school pick up? People have no problem doing it at McDonalds or Starbucks. But at a school that has 550 students whose parents all come to pick them up? Nope - we are going to drive into the ONE WAY circle and park perpendicularly against the flow of traffic. Make two lines along the curb , pick up your kids , and move along people. Think of it as a drive-thru window...only with less calories. Duh.

3) I had the pleasure of previewing the 'puberty' movie that our school district will be showing our 4th grade girls this week. Great - now after all the hard work I've done in explaining to my 9 year about the changes that will be taking place with her body - she's going to watch this video and start asking even more questions. And, the little time lapsed cartoon anatomical imagery on that video? Think 'Ch-Ch-Chia' vagina with a five o'clock shadow, perky c cup boobies and pimples. Not to mention the part where they intentionally dangle a 'pregnant' pause (pun intended, here) when they state "if the egg is not fertilized by the male sperm, it is expelled through the ..." First of all, is there another kind of sperm besides male sperm? And, my kid will raise her hand and ask how the sperm it gets in there to fertilize the egg!

4) What the fuck with this woman who just had 8 babies here in California ? At the same time! Oh sure, she was all "I'm was planning for 7, but uh-oh, surprise - the doctors pulled out 8!" And, she is planning to breast feed. How? More importantly - Why?? I guess if your going to have mulitples...then you should go big or go home. Twins, triplets or quads is pretty cool . But if your going to have 4, you may as well have 7 or 9. That qualifies you for lots of free shit like car seats, diapers for life, and probably a show on The Learning Channel. Not to mention, some plastic surgeon will offer you a tummy tuck, and your tits can go on tour in Vegas for the newest Cirque de Soleil puppet show.

I know some people who'd love one of those babies. Seriously - she probably wouldn't even know if one was missing.


I am going to bang my head against the wall now.

29 comments:

Eudea-Mamia said...

I'm so sorry for your loss (header). We could hold a minute of silence?

And honey, you're even more funny when you're all worked up!!

Ch-ch-chia vagina?! Awesome.

Don't get me started on the drop off line. I'm pretty sure the decline of brains in this country has less to do with what they're not learning in school, and more with genetics.

amelia bedelia said...

My 4th grader is talking about the 5th grade boys watching "the video" and asking lots of questions...great. I'm planning on doing a post about it. I miss your header too!!

for a different kind of girl said...

Cripes, I haven't had to do school drop off or pick up for a year, but I have several years of doing so under my belt and it still gives me the shakes! The thought of breastfeeding 8 tiny babies gives me the shakes, too. I can't fathom who she thinks she's going to be able to do that and remain sane!

Me said...

Sorry about the header. Fucking Google. I'm going to repeatedly click on your ads and then they are going to yank them from your site. Just kidding!

Do you listen to Frosty Heidi and Frank on the radio? You should. They were talking about that woman / monster who had the 8 kids and apparently she's all in hiding and stuff because she wants to build suspense and then get her own show, like that one show with 8kids 'kate and 8 something' Disgusting! AND! Her dad paid for the fertility drugs--she's living with her dad. Too weird! Sorry, I guess this should have been an email.

Maybe I'll email you later tonight after I have a glass of wine and bitch about my underwear riding up my ass.

Anonymous said...

I think you need a bottle of wine....and another whyne.....waaaawaaa.....your#1 daughter always asks questions...like mine did when you were preggo with #1...in the supermarket while we were in the pasta isle, and there was no movie involved. Its no biggie...just answer truthfully, and she will be soooooo grossed out..she hopefully wont ask for another 5 years!

Lines? well, we all know about lines...ill just leave it at that. Some like fat lines, some like to double up...some, well some just don't do lines at all! Just smile and say "what an idiot" and smile again...then there is always that bottle of wine when you get home!

Britt said...

Now I know what I want for Christmas ... a Chia Vagina.

As a conversation piece .. or something ..

Janie said...

Requiem for a Header.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

That blows about your header. That's why I never screw with my crappy blog. I'm afraid I'm gonna lose my crappy posts and crappy pink 1 side, sidebar.

I once went off on a tangent about the freakin school car circle. You ever read it?

The Mom said...

My fifth grade daughter will be watching the video at the end of this year...I was told I could preview it too...ay yi yi.

I wish I could help on the header...that's bizarre! I'll click you if you click me! The new back scratching! ;)

Outnumbered2to1 said...

Okay, so what is up with the lines picking up kids? For real? We will all be nice and lined up early and there is that one mom who arrives 15 seconds before the kids are released, bypasses the line to the front and parks perpendicular. WTF?

Oh and that chick in California...I worry about those poor kids. I heard she already has six kids at home with a set of twins.

Mama Dawg said...

I'm so with you on the preggo woman. That was horribly irresponsible.

The chia vagina? Lovely!

I don't even know if my kid gets a video like that here in our tiny conservative Southern Baptist hamlet. Odds are NO.

Scary Mommy said...

Deep breath... Look at your Picasso album. I think ALL images, including headers go there? It's worth a shot. But that sucks!!!!

And that woman with 8 kids (plus 6) is just plain insane.

Kristin said...

I love your brand of whoop ass...and I must agree with EVERYTHING you said!!!! You rock!

Susan said...

Oh my god. That was the funniest fucking post EVER! I'm laughing out loud (boy, that seems a little insensitive, doesn't it?)...but I'm still laughing! EW... and the chia pet vagina is really nasty. Gross!

Fannie said...

Everyone deserves a bitch session now and then.

nikkicrumpet said...

Dang...sorry about the lost header...that is a bummer. Hope you get some header soon...(did that sound wrong?) And I'm gonna be laughing all night at the "she won't miss one" comment...too funny!

Yaya said...

Hahahaha, I know right? I'll take one of those babies like in Raising Arizona! Lol!

Love your bitch-fest!

Miss Blondie said...

Love me some bitch sessions!!

Haha! chia vagina! Brilliant!!

And the woman with the eight kids...she's single and was artifically inseminated!! Shes crazy!! I can see it: TLC: Me and my 15 kids!

Bottles Barbies & Boys said...

Well Hell-O! I sure that's exactly why the homeless, single, fertile, slut, decided to take fertility drugs!

Brittany said...

"'Ch-Ch-Chia' vagina with a five o'clock shadow"

HILARIOUS!

Debbie said...

You are CRACKING me up...seriously cracking me up...

Isn't it great how you can rant to complete strangers and feel good when it's all done...

All better...

Debbie said...

Oh and I was wondering what happened to the header when I clicked over here...

MiMi said...

I hate you lost your head uh, I mean -er, header. :)

I have two boys and neither one would talk about it with me. I think it scarred them for life. Either that or accidently seeing me naked after coming out of the shower, I'm not sure which one was worse.

I have google ads on my blog and I think I almost have $20 now. (started it in August)

My doctor told me no "swirling" for a while. I'm not sure how long I can take not having my nightly glass (two or three). I'm on new meds and he thinks it will interfere with them. I know he doesn't know that wine has stopped me from killing my children on more than one occasion, but we will just see how it goes for now.

Hope you get your header back soon!

M said...

I tried the AdSense thing. I made zip. Guess that means either no one reads my blog or no one clicked on any of them.

550 students and they all get picked up?? At the same time? Oh that's just asking for it.

I'll have to read up on this octuplet chick.

Lula! said...

WHAT???? A puberty video? That must be a California thing--we have nothing of that sort in these parts.

I so want to see that video.

TattooedMinivanMom said...

Hooray for wonder woman!

Cristin said...

You don't look bad naked...:)

Chia-vagina! That made my day!

There is the same amount of idiocy at Graham's school in the morning... at least a dozen or so morons go right past the 'Do NOT ENTER: Shool Busses ONLY' sign and get screamed at by the parking lot monitor... I'm starting to enjoy her performances....she gets really pissed...

Kelly said...

Oh, I know you're venting and hitting your head against the wall, but I am LMAO!! Go ahead and vent whenever...pure genius!!

Romi said...

My daughter is still traumatized by the sex ed video she saw in 5th grade. In the video she saw --a mass of hair instantly exploded from the female cartoon characters armpits and genitals all at once. She said she was completely freaked out by that image as were all her friends. They thought it was going to happen to them like that without notice at school or the movies or church...

As for the "breeder" with all those kids...I hope she doesn't get the publicity she is seeking. I thought people had children for love...not to market them. From what I have read her mother thinks she is mentally ill...just what the world needs..another unfit person for the masses to model themselves after on television.