The One in Which She Just Does't Feel Like Writing

So - i just don't feel like it right now. I don't feel like anything. Except shit. For weeks now, I have been in a certain indescribable malaise. Physically and emotionally. I read these interwebs daily - and compare my crap to other people's crap and my crap isn't half as bad....but it's my crap nontheless. I know I shouldn't complain....I am thankful for so many things. Really I am .

And when I try to sit and put down my thoughts - I read my crap and think to myself...stop whining . So in an effort to inject some humor into the funkin' funk - here goes:


Last week , both girls had the flu and were home with me...all frickin' week. I picked up a homework packet for Emily, so she wouldn't get behind. While she was home sick ( and she was really sick this time) she had to: do math homework, take a math test, complete a book report, complete the required '4th grade California Mission project'* , pick at least one fight with me when it's convenient, go to the Dr. for her physical and throat culture, pick another fight with me because the first one wasn't satifsying enough, practice her softball swing, catch up on the SuiteLife of Zach and Cody mind numbing marathon - and , did I mention the fight picking thing?

The little one, who was also home sick all week had to: color, catch up on WowWow Wubzy and Little Bill (god how I love No commercials Noggin channel), practice counting to 100 for the 100th Day of School., listen to Emily and me fighting, learn that just blowing snot out of your nose without benefit of a two ply nose blowing receptacle leaves you boogery fingers, wear your pajamas all day for days, color some more, and promise me that she won't ever be 9.

They survived to every four hour doses of Tylenol, Robitussen and Pediacare. I survived too. I have lost a few braincells - but I have come to the conclusion that I would rather chew off my left arm than homeschool.

*more on the 4th Grade California Mission projects later, once the glue gun fumes have cleared

Friday Foto Fiesta ...my first Valentine

Irwin Keller

2/14/36 - 1/10/08

I Love and Miss You Daddy.

You were my first Valentine.

This is one of the first pictures of my wonderful dad. He mustered up all his strength and impish energy just to 'smile' . Probably hates his mom for making him wear those girlie 'shorty shorts'.

What a poser! The original Fonzie! And the reason I know this was totally posed is because there is some farm implement in his right hand ...and it was probably the last time there was a farm implement in his right hand.

Dad's first house. What pride!!


Driving Miss Doris. Grandma is in the back seat of this car. And you can't tell, but it is turquois blue with white fins and ragtop convertible. Fuggetaboutit!

This was the last picture ever taken of my wonderful dad, on December 31st, 2007. He mustered up all of his strength and energy just to smile. I treasure this photo so much I still have it in my digital camera...and can not will not delete it. Ever.



visit Candid Carrie for more Friday Fotos

The One Where Debbie Does Dallas **

**Well, not really and for a couple of reasons. First of all, my name is not Debbie. It is Swirlgirlsrealname. But for some odd reason, Ms. Lula (who, by the way - isn't from Dallas) has been calling me Debbie forever...so in her honor - the title. And, secondly, I am guest posting over at The R Family Diaries while Tiffany is on 'blogcation'...and in linking back to my place, I thought I would steal encourage some visitors from her site by enticing them with the promise of cheesy 70's porn. So to that end....

[Cue cheesy 70's porn music, black lights and lava lamps]

Here is where it goes back to being just plain little 'ol me. Lula did this really cool Q and A thing a week or so ago and she asked who wanted to be interviewed. So , immediately - and without hesitation - I emailed her back and said "Do Me". After a brief explanation as to the double entendre in that statement....(not that there is anything wrong with that) I guess it meant that I wanted to be interviewed.

And without further ado....



1. Everyone has been blessed with a talent, be it big or small. What's yours, and do you use it often?

I have been blessed with the truth extracting eyes. I got it from my dad. We call it the "Poppy Face" around here. Furrowed brow, chin lowered, eyes fixed - looking intensely at the the target of truth extraction. I have been known to bring a grown man to his knees and crumble little princesses.

2. Share your favorite memory from childhood.

I have so many. Thank god I can say that. One particular memory that rings clear is circa 1969ish. We lived on a cul de sac that was truly suburbia. Next door to us was the Previtts on one side and the Gilbergs on the other. Across the way was the Nappys. Down at the end was the Pauls, of Bob Pauls' Bakery fame. (fame only if you grew up in Framingham , MA ). We neighborhood kids would play outside on warm summer evenings until summoned by the Mr. Previtt full-fist-two-finger-whistle that it was time to go inside. On 4th of July we'd all have parades and block parties and Mr. Paul would give each kid in the cul de sac their own little cake wrapped a little brown box tied with twine and everything. We'd play kickball, or in one another's tree forts, and ride our bikes , and pretend we were the Partridge Family and I always had to be Keith 'cuz Barbara Nappy had long brown hair so naturally she was Laurie (beotch), and chase each other around in our pj's, and explore the pine groves between our cul de sac and the neighboring golf course and.....


3. You've been given a two week, all-expenses paid vacation. Where will you go? Whom will you take with you?

This one is easy...I have been lucky to have visited some pretty terrific places , but I would love to repeat my honeymoon to a tee. Two weeks in the finest hotels in Florence, Venice and Positano Italy. I don't think I could improve on what was perfection 13 years ago. First class all the way. To the manner born baby, to the manner born.


4. If you could have one superpower, what would you want? How would you use it?

This one is easy too. I'd be the Cancer Ass Kicker. Nuff said.

5. A movie is being made of your life story. Who will play you? Your significant other? And what song would be on the movie's soundtrack?

Why anyone would want to make a story of my life, unless I actually became the Cancer Ass Kicker and had a real story to contribute...I don't know. But if for some odd reason, the life story of Swirl Girl were to be made..it would be a feel good story along the lines of The Big Chill meets When Harry Met Sally with a little I Love You Alice B . Toklas thrown in for reality sake. Full of humor and great music.

6. If you had an entire day to spend by yourself, with plenty of money at your disposal, what would you choose to do?

Seriously - a whole day and plenty of money ?? I could say a spa or the mall - but I'm going with Vegas. Just me and 1000 of my closest drinking , smoking, swearing, flirting 'friends' hitting the tables and slots. Sad, huh?

7. Name three people, living or deceased, you'd invite to a dinner party at your house. What would you serve?

This one brought me the most joy in trying to answer. I have thinking about it for days now. At first I was going to be all clever and pithy....bordering on the sentimental. My wonderful dad truly loved the taste of food and the entire experience of eating really, really good food. So he's in for sure.

Then, last night , Hubby and I watched this. Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. Monday night's episode was titled Food Porn. You gotta check it out. I would want to eat EVERYTHING on that show ( save for the actual pig tip of the snout described as gelatinous - ewww)....and share it with whoever has shorter arms than I do. Let's just say you'd have to pry me away from that table.


8. You stumble upon a time machine that will only go back through time. Where will it take you? What will you do in that period of time?

I love the look of old technicolor movies like How to Marry A Millionaire and Funny Face and The Apartment. The clothes, the style...the fact that people dressed for dinner, and wore fur stoles and hats. And whatever happened to slippers with kitten heels and little fuzzy poofies at the toes? I'd be Lauren Bacall and be all glam and sexy. I'd be all trying to nab my advertising executive - photographer- architect - wealthy bachelor type man and drinking champagne out of coupe glasses

9. What is your all-time favorite book? Movie? Television show? Song?

All time favorites? Let's see. T.V. Show = The Mary Tyler Moore Show hands down.
Book = Are You There God It's Me Margaret, A Separate Peace,
I Know this Much Is True, A Prayer for Owen Meany.
Song = too many to list....suffice it to say that picking a favorite
song is tantamount to choosing Fritos Regular or Scoops.

10. A physician offers you $25,000 worth of plastic surgery services. Do you take him/her up on the offer? If so, what will you enhance/make bigger/make smaller?

Yes - Nip/ Tuck me all the way babay!! Take my ass and gut and give it someone less deserving than me. Pack the bags under my eyes and take a little off the nose.

Now...I would love to interview you and you and you. So here is what you do:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So come on--let's get to know each other better.

And do not fear potential questions--I promise to play very nice.

Fridays Foto Finish Fiesta

Four One Day Park Hopper Tickets to Disneyland and California Adventure = $280.00
Lunch at Ariel's Grotto complete with table visits from 5 (count 'em) FIVE real live Disney Princesses = $150.00...and don't choke, that was with tax, tip and two glasses of wine for Mommy)
One Gen-u-ine Princess Ariel Costume from the Disney closeout guy = $19.99 (unbelievable, right?)
The most specialest 5th Birthday a girl could ever want = Priceless!

(they wore those ears all day and into the night, even on the drive home...)

If you want to play along - go over here, to Candid Carrie's!

The One With the Puffy Heart

So I finally got it. And well before Valentine's Day. I got the Puffy Heart. No - not from Tiffany. The one I got did not come in a pretty box. It didn't come to me in the form of a gift. It will , however, be one I save forever.

My Puffy Heart came to me in the form of an apology. The oldest one called me "the worst mother in the whole world". Words that sting worse than being called the 'c' word.

Backstory: Every Monday, Emily comes home from school with what her teacher calls The Goldminer chart . Basically, this is a behavior chart filled with clever acronyms that describe the student's behavior like following directions, turning in homework, being attentive etc...Emily usually receives very good to excellent ratings on said chart. She is diligent about homework, citizenship, and all the rest. But last week, for some reason - her Goldmine was barren. Apparantly she forgot to turn in several assignments, and had some issues with talking in class during lessons. Or something like that.

When asked (by me) what homework assignments she told me she turned in (and apparantly did not ) she couldn't recollect. So she's sitting with her afterschool snack (the norm around here) and the comics (also the norm) and getting the third degree from me...my ire was growing because she was more into the latest installment of 'Leo' in the paper than she was into our conversation. And then she let 'er rip.

Me: "Em...it is really important that when you say you did something like turning in homework, that you actually do it. What assignments did you turn in late or not at all?"

Her: {chew, chew, slurp} I don't remember.

Me: "The reason you have your agenda book is to write down assignments and due dates for things - not just to doodle and get the latest joke of the day"

Her: {slurp, swallow} " I don't remember..If I knew, then I would remember!"

Me: {voice rising} "Dude, you remember everything you ate from age 2 through 9 and every episode of the 'Suite Life of Hannah Montana' and you can' t remember to write down your homework? Maybe you have too many things in your life to remember....too much soccer, softball, hip hop, huh? Maybe I won't remember to drive you to those things"

Her: {crumpling up newspaper} "Fine! You're the worst mother in the world! I don't have to be perfect all the time!"

Me: "You have no idea what a worst mother in the world is, kiddo..."

She stomps upstairs. Slams door.{sound familiar mom?} And upon my orders ...does homework and doesn't come out until about 1 1/2 hour later. With this:


{you gotta enlarge this to get the full read}
My Puffy Heart apology. In a homemade envelope with a To: mommy and a From: ??? (like I didn't know from whom it came) simply stating that I am not the worst mother in the world, I do everything for the girls, and color coded Puffy Heart mood indicator (this one is orange for 'okay'). And, my favorite line ever...." And, hey, we all are a pain in the ass sometimes"

True dat.

I Puffy Heart that kid...I am she and she is me and we are all together...

Waay back story - when I was about 9 or 10, I was really pissed at my brother and sister for something and scribbled "fuck you Robert and Stacy , I hate you" on that piece of paper and threw it away..or so I thought - My mom found it and asked if I wrote the note. I, of course, denied it..before I realized that bro and sis would not write such loathing about themselves and I was the only kid left in the house who would. I Puffy Hearted them, and had to write it 100 times on a piece of paper as part of the punishment. Thank god there was no internet or blogs back then....