Clown College Placement Exam

Words can not express the pride I feel for my children and the essential life skills that Hubby and I have passed down to them.

Who needs a 529 plan when you can suck the air out of plastic cup and stick it to your face?

Honestly, I hadn't laughed THAT hard in months. It was great. And, who do you think they learned it from???

Finding My Inner Nemo

On Saturday, we went to the beach. Not the sun tanning and swimming kind of beach. But a great state park with tide pools and caves and wildlife. It was a nice day, but not blazing hot. No bathing suits either. We just explored the wild life. We saw 1 dead sea lion, 2 dead birds, 2 very alive and loving life starfish, 1 very alive and hiding from life rattlesnake, many anemone and barnacles and muscles (oh my!).

I love the beach. The smells, the sounds.

And this year - I have decided that for Mother's Day -

instead of spending oodles of money on some bad brunch with bad service - I am going to invest in a sturdy umbrella, and a few sand chairs and we're hitting the beach! Everywhere I looked there were people eating things from my favorite food group: the 'toe's group. You

know, Chee(tos), Fri (tos) and Dori(tos) and Pota(tos)! So, some excellent turkey sandwiches and some salty chip type substances are in order! Can't wait to find my inner Nemo!

By the way, I think I have found the perfect spot for Poppy. I'll let you know next weekend.
"The beach is the place, where a man can feel, he's the only soul in the world that's real. And, I see a face coming through the haze, I remember him from those crazy days."

Pete Townsend

from The Who's Quadrophenia.

So, I've Been Called A Lot of Things but....

...never this.

So I was driving my one day a week, hard-working, immigrant nanny/housekeeper to the bus as I usually do on Wednesdays. Mind you, this is Thousand Oaks, California not Newark, New Jersey. Nice upper middle class area with limited public transportation. The bus route is near the mall, so while we soccer mom's drop off our 'domestic' help at the bus, we can zip into Macy's for the latest in INC. or Bobby Brown (on sale, of course).

So- as she is getting out of the car, a seemingly un-crazy crazy guy stops in the middle of the road and points to me. Quickly, I tuck my wallet and purse under the seat of the car and wait for him to move so I can get the heck out of there fast. He proceeds to give me the finger. And, not the girlie kind of bird with closed fist. This was an arm's length bent-knuckled 'the Fingah!' Then he shouts out "Up Your A-(hole) N-word!" And believe me, he did not use the abbreviated versions seen here. There was no mouthing of these words. It was loud and clear. All heads (well, the few that were around the bus stop) looked at him, then at me as if I had just slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting him. But, there I sat, on the side of the road, paying my housekeeper as I had done so many times. Quietly. Non-confrontationally. Well within the laws of the road and driver courtesy.

Now while I've been called a lot of things in my life. I've been called an asshole. but never the N-word. I don't even use that word...ever. Not that I am beyond racial epithets...but that word is just so hateful. I think the C-word is the only other word I don't use. Everything else is fair game. Hell, I've even invented a few good ones. But that one? Not for me.

So- with my 4 year old in the back of the car...I bang a U-ie (that's cool guy for U-turn) and nervously get the hell out of there. I am pretending to be all cool, but a part of me wonders what brought about that slur. Was it meant as a statement against SUV's and some sort of political statement about global warming? (I drive a Honda Pilot, a mid-size SUV with really good mileage and safety ratings). Was he pissed off that I hire immigrants? Does he know I am a jewish woman and he is pissed that we don't do our own housework? Does he work for the bus driver's union and felt I was cutting off the bus lane traffic? I have no idea....but I couldn't help thinking I did something more than double park at a bus stop.

And, this whacko wasn't driving either. So there was no fear that he would ram my car or anything like that. He was on foot. Standing in the middle of the road with his arm held forth as if he was holding a Stop sign. Only his sign wasn't a stop sign. It was a sign that was more disturbing than that. I guess I should have waited to see if he approached my nanny at the bus stop...(was his epithet meant for her somehow?) But as I thought more about it after the fact, mother bird protects her young, not another bird. I go the heck out while the gettin' was good.
Whoos.

So, immediately - I call hubby and tell him about it. While he is in his car, he see's movie stars. While I am in mine - I get call a lot of things, but never this.