..(wave robotic accordian arms up and down)
The following post enters dangerous territory - - so step away from the keyboard if you get sqeamish or you are my mom or anyone who has seen me in a diaper or may possibly see me in a diaper in (hopefully) the distant future.
You have been warned.
*Editors Note: I have been trying to write this post for over a week now, but it is hard to write a post about sex toys when your kids are bopping around all over the place. So now they are fully entranced in the Wizard of Oz for about the billionth time and I am sitting only a few feet away so if I quickly reduce the screen to avoid burning their little retinas or suddendly have to dash - you'll understand - then I have to remember to delete these photos from the laptop since it's really not mine in the first place and Yes, honey - it was me who popped the '9' off the keyboard to retrieve the tiny bead that fell under the '9' when I was trying to write a sex toy post and simultaneously tie a tiny bead bracelet that my kid was stringing. My bad, dude.)
Bring It On or Turn It On:
So a while back I was contacted, like so many others in this sisterhood of the travelling rants, by Drew of Eden Fantasys, the online adult personal products store and magazine to write a review about a product of my choosing. Well, even after I made snarky comments (as I am wont to do ) I did just that. It turned out it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. (bad pun intended and will likely be forthcoming in the ensuing post).
I'd have to say the hardest thing about the whole thing was choosing my 'weapon of choice'. How could I do a straight up review when so many of the toys were curved for my enjoyment? What was even harder, was finding a personal pleasuring device that actually looked like a personal pleasuring device. I wanted to find something that looked like a sex toy , not a child's toy.
like these: the little wormy, and my personal favorite the B and D Duckie, and how 'bout those Care Bears??
And while I may have been the hit with some of the other mommy's at the Planned Urban Development's community pool should these little pocket rockets have made their way from my sidetable drawer to the tubby to the beach bag - I though it best not to choose one of these gizmos as my personal plaything .
I went with Papa Smurf or as they call it in the business...The Insatiable G. I want a sex toy that looks like a sex toy. You chose well, grasshopper. And while it may raise some eyebrows should the girls be snooping (which they haven't done yet and I am not looking forward to the time when they inevitably will) there is no doubt what Papa Smurf is all about.
So the question remains dearies - what would your ideal personal pleasuring device be like?
Would it be discreet , disguised as a 'massager' or all out 'in-your-face-I -am-a -vibrating - penis- damn-it' with life-like circumcised male characteristics ?
Would it "clean the house, make dinner, tell you how great you look and then give you a mind blowing orgasm"? (thanks Drew - you have a future in sex toys, oh- you're already in it!)
So now here's the thing : The folks at Eden Fantasy's will give you one if you are willing to share your Fantasy Fantasy with us. Everyone's got one...and if you don't - you're lying!! So fess up and do tell!! 'Cuz how else am I gonna be able to give one away!!
So here's how to do it:
Leave me a comment telling me what your Fantasy toy is. If you want to do that privately, leave me an email at dwgoldstein at roadrunner dot com. But if you do that, I will most likely have to share if I pick you to win, but I will not divulge the real source if you ask me not too)
Follow @DrewG78 on Twitter or drewg78 on Facebook for additional entries. Just tell me you did.
Rules of the Road:
#1= US and Canada only and #2= 1 Toy For the Winner Value $40 or less. #3= Must be 18 or older. (vee haf vays of discovering such things)
Then, I'll do something really scientific like crumbling up little pieces of paper and tossing them in a bowl and pick a winner. 'Cuz I live in the LA area, maybe I can get the dudes who keep all the Oscar winners names under wraps to pick the winner...but I think they may a little busier now that The Academy has added 5 more films in the Best Picture category.
Who knows - maybe one of you will come up with the next best thing to sliced bread! 'Cuz if you've ever tried to pleasure yourself with sliced bread, it's kinda messy and not very fullfilling if you know what I mean.
Contest will run until July 4th ...which I think is an appropriate way to celebrate my first ever bloggy contest. It' s my version of "Love American Style (truer than the red, white, and blue-woo-woo-woo!)"