Tuesday, April 28, 2009

WTF Wednesday

WTF with the IRS? April 15th has come and gone. The source for much tension around these parts. Since giving up my paying career for my non-paying job 7 years ago...I had been relegated to the title of Taxpayer Spouse. They don't accept Domestic Goddess or Prime Minister as occupation for a SAHM. This year, in an effort to curb costs, the IRS has a way to file the Not EZ forms via the internet. I didn't see the form. I didn't sign the form. I am not even a person anymore. WTF?

WTF with my 9 year old? Two days ago she was Flatsy Patsy. Today she has real live actual little boob-nubs. When I mentioned it to her, she about jumped out of her Sketchers with tweener glee. She said she needs to start wearing push-up camisoles. She is gonna drive me to drink (earlier than usual) Oh hell, it's four o'clock somewhere. Hubby said he noticed the nubs a few days ago..but hasn't stopped shuddering since. Straight up or on the rocks, dear?

WTF miss California? Opposite marriage ? Really? I get the stink you are making. I (sort of) .. agree that if your opinion wasn't wanted, it shouldn't have been requested. You were asked a loaded question (by a loaded asker, I might add)and answered truthfully . But, dear Miss, it wasn't what you said that caused the loss of the crown...it was your delivery. If Miss America is about 'purity', then Miss USA is about 'maturity'. You're not showing a whole lot. We have already exhausted more collective energy on your bitching than the whole matter is worth. You're getting more press than the actual winner. Sour grapes only make good whine.

WTF Vegas? Last weekend in Vegas - we were staying at Planet Hollywood where the Miss USA pageant was held. I have never seen more beautiful people in my life. And moms, sisters, little nieces of the contestants? Lovely. We had a chance to talk to many of them, and their entourage of supporters ( and a large cadre of stylists , (read:gay men)) . They were really very poised and 'on' all the time. What a great time we had. But - WTF Vegas? I go but twice a year to reinvigorate my groove; to feel good about myself. We all know that a good brisk walk down Las Vegas Boulevard usually does wonders for one's ego. The Strip represents middle America. People who would pay $25 for a one ounce of alcohol blue 'drink' in a souvenier Eiffel Tower stein complete with neck strap (you know, so you can give the man a dollar to pet his lizzard- and I mean the amphibian). Vegas is one gigantic buffet of average. Not this weekend. I'm afraid it was me who was in buffet line this go around. Please don't tell me I need to vacation in Pigeon Forge next year.

Totally off subject here, but I saw Mr. Big ...yessiree, Chris Noth. On the roullette table. He's yummy. And while not tall, he is beefy where he should be beefy. I got a chance to slide over and slip him my tongue and mention that I was a big fan. He was gracious. Yum. I managed not to embarrass myself totally, like I did with George. Clooney. Yeah that's right. I had no chance of sharing any me-time with Mr. Big with all those gorgeous contestants and their swooning stylists roaming around.

WTF with my brother and his wife? Facebook knew my bro had shoulder surgery yesterday before his mother and sisters knew. He's fine, the whole thing was successful and all - and that is good news. But even though I usually don't 'dis' family on here, but they don't read this anyway. They probably don't even know it exists. I just don't get why they didn't tell us - their family - and post to their (her) Facebook friends ...My mom is hurt and angry and rightly so. She found out from my sister's email . This is not a case of "I didn't want to worry you" or anything...this is a case of " I don't think about you ". I love my brother, but sometimes...I don't like him very much.

WTF with my teeth? I am forty-fuckin-five years old and I have two cavities. I blame my parents for this one. Dental health is largely hereditary. Add genetics to the fact that I have no calcium production (hypocalcemia) and I'm looking at osteoporosis and rapid(lier than most) tooth decay.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Phriday's Photos...

I bet you think I shorcircuited the Papa Smurf, thus burning my , um...'hands'...and that's why I haven't posted in a week. Nope!

Not so - I had my semi annual girls' weekend in Vegas last weekend! And, for once, what happened there didn't stay there (yes, folks...there was a Santa Claus). When I go to Vegas, I go for 3 nights and one day (can you say 'round the clock?) My mom and sister were winners too! I don't know, but I saw no signs of economic slowdown - it was packed! It was a great weekend and it was even better when you win. Trust me.

So I am making this one short and sweet (because some things that happen in Vegas do actually stay there) and not going to go on about my weekend. Yet.

I will, however, play along with Candid Carrie and put up some wonderful pictures of our day at the beach a few weeks ago. The sky was so blue that even Crayola couldn't reproduce it. The air was crisp and cool, so there were no other people at the beach. Just us, a kite and the camera. Then, we hit a pharmer's market and got 3 phlats of strawberries for $5.oo. I love those kinds of days!

oh, and the photos?
I just love the way the girls and Hubby look as they watch the Panda kite go forth and conquer.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

The One (what? only one?) with the Frilly Blog Award

I got this from that stud my buddy Kevin over at Always Home and Uncool. There are quite a few Daddy blogs that I read daily. Take it from me, Kevin may always be home...but he is anything but Uncool. In fact, he comments on my comments to his comments about my comments on his posts. In fact, one could almost say that I may actually 'talk' to Kevin more than own Hubby! I definitely yell at him less, and don't complain about money - or the job, or the kids, or anything. Excuse me, I don't yell. - I speak with emphasis.

And what to do with this Bloggy Bling?? I am to bestow it to other wonderful Bloggy friends... so here goes:

Nikki at Blah, Blah Blog who has exquisite taste {wink, wink}and hysterical 'I Wish Wednesday's" posts.

Brittany at Barefoot Foodie who is ready to pop out another child and quite frankly, I can't afford a real baby shower gift. Seriously, she is frickin' hysterical and gives a whole new meaning to the word Earth Mother.

Carrie of Candid Carrie who has more followers for just one of her Phriday Photo Phiesta's than I've had in over a year of blogging - total! She is also a new mom!!

Lee over at Moms Without Blogs who is a new friend. I am trying to suck up to her so she'll interview me...Subtlety has never been my strong suit, what can I say?

Cristin at Tiptoeing Through The Tulips who was one of my very first. Commentors. I know I might have met her before. Maybe even eaten that tiny piece of paper she put on my tongue at a Dead show once. ...or was it a Scarlett Begonia?

And although I could go on and on.... but you folks better read the "what to do with the Frilly Blog Award " disclaimer attached and do what you are told.

Frilly Blog Award Disclaimer:
"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to {sic}bunches of bloggers who must choose {sic}bunches of more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

Now onto the real heart of this post. This is how I blog...I usually scroll through my daily reads and sometimes steal get inspiration from their posts. I have a wad of used tissues and receipts with little notes on them so when something strikes me as blogworthy fodder - I always have some dried up snot thing to write about. But sometimes, I get some ideas from the comments I leave on other people's blogs. I literally crack myself up! My response when Kevin bestowed the Frilly Blog Award was something to the affect of " well, it's no independent pleasuring device or a free coffee card - but it doesn't make my ass look fat in these sweat pants!" Yup- totally slayed myself on that one.
Which leads me (in a very circuitous route) to this:
WARNING: The following contains some very personal and ersatz erotica so if you are my mom or anyone who has seen me in a diaper...please just back away from the monitor and remove your fingers from the keyboard. NOW!

Without a doubt, you have all seen the myriad of pleasuring devices being 'donated', 'test driven' and 'reviewed ' on these here interwebs. Well, Swirl Girl got herself a toy - affectionately dubbed 'Papa Smurf' . Drew (as in I'm not sure if it is Drew as is Barrymore or Drew as in Cary which if it is the latter ...kinda freaks me out a little) of Eden Fantasys reached out to me via my comments on another horny stay at home mommy blogger's site (hello SMTMVM) and asked if I'd like to give one of these babies a whirl...so I said SURE THING! I am to write a straight up review (which I don't know if I can actually do without my own special brand of Swirly snark) and he/she may give me another one to give away . So without further adieu....
Meet The Insatiable G show. Not to be confused in any way with Da Ali G show...(cuz I gave up on that show on HBO when Borat came out cuz that just wasn't funny)
{Don't you just love how show it next to two tomatoes? It's a vibrator! No , it's a pizza sauce mixer! }
What it is - it is a " hygienically superior Silicone insatiable G™features a clitoral stimulator with pleasure nodules and a flickering tongue and a wide curved, flexible and resilient G-spot stimulator.

The easy-grip controller works with two removable bullets that can be used to vibrate the clitoral and G-spot stimulators simultaneously or independently and provides seven intense functions: the first three functions vibrate from low to very powerful, the fourth is a pattern of short and long bursts of vibration, the fifth pulsates rapidly, the sixth pulsates gently then roughly and the seventh function escalates.

With a wide range of pulsating combinations and dual motors, this toy is assuredly "designed to hit the mark with unparalleled precision."
What it did for me? First of all - just the thought of using the toy got the 'business done" in no time at all.. I really like the dual action. And I liked the different vibration intensities. There is one particular setting (number six?) that rises and falls and rises and falls and rises and falls and ........goehtoihygoljaew...oops, just fell off my chair! Sorry about that!
I also liked that it is sort of a ' insert tab A into flap B' sort of gizmo. Meaning that you don't need to maneuver Papa Smurf once it is placed in the flap B. So even those of us with Tennis Elbow can use it, and you don't have to fumble with going leftie. There is a remote control with a lengthy 'tow line' so you can literally lay back and 'get your PBS' on. (heaven forbid it should slip too far into the abyss....you can tow it out)
I did think it was kind of loud - so forget the discreet "be right back, kids" while you slip into your bathroom for a quickie. Not too loud mind you - certainly nothing that couldn't be drowned out by my pleasure giggles. And I am not sure what the 'removable bullets' are supposed to do. I couldn't get them out...nor was I planning on having an orgasm then knocking over the convenient store for an Icee when I was done - so they look nice and all shiny ...but what are they for?
And I do like the fact that it looks like a sex toy. I must say that while perusing the site Eden Fantasy for my toy of choice - there were many adorable dildos that looked like rubber duckies or cute little dolphins or ladybugs wearing an army helmet. I could see my girls finding one of those and , thinking it a bathtub toy - they'd get the shock of their young lives.
So on a scale of 1 to 10...I'll give the Insatiable G a 7.5 (damned Russian judge) It's got a great beat and you can totally dance to it. Solo. And let me just add: in words immortalized by the God -father of Soul himself.
"I Feel Good" and "Papa's got a brand new bag!! "

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

An Open Letter to The Pilot of the Pilot

Dear Honda Service Center 'Valet'

While I appreciate the way you put paper on the floor mats to keep your mechanic's greasy feet from soiling my coffe stained mommy wagon...and I love that you wrap the 'genuine leather steering wheel' in plastic to keep it clean...and that you hermetically seal the seats themselves to keep sharp objects from sliding across them and tearing the pleather....I have but one question for you , dude.

Why, oh why must you mess with the seat position for the ten seconds you are in the car?

I have the fancy Honda Pilot (which I love)..the one with the driver's side seat controls. I can adjust the seat back, the distance from the dashboard, the lumbar back support, and the height of the seat - personalize it , if you will. I can control my comfort to suit my needs on that particular day. If I'm wearing a bulky sweater and need a bit more room...no problem. If I feel the need to do 'the Gangsta Lean' I can do that too, by sliding the seat all the way back and sticking my elbow out the open window and blasting the Sly and Family Stone. If I accidentally drop my nail file, or flask straw in between the seat and the center console, I just move the seat back so I can shove a hanger in there and get it out.

So riddle me this Hernando, you are asked to take the car from point A to point B...why do you need to change the seat position and the radio station for the ride? Are you taking my car out for a joy ride while I am waiting patiently in the coffee store with free Wi-Fi waiting area catching up on current financial debacle on CNN?

I have had the car for two years and I have grown very fond of its adaptability to move and grow with my ass. If you feel that strongly about moving the seat - the least you can do is clean up the crap that has fallen in. And , it wouldn't hurt if you vacuum the damned thing out either. If memory serves you could have collected :

-one really nice pen that I used to keep in my purse
-two chuckie cheese tokens
-the 'arm' to a pair of Hanna Montana sunglasses
-a few melted crayons
-a paper clip or 7
-a partly used band-aid (and I say partly used 'cuz it wasn't bled on ...it was decorative in purpose only)
-about $3.37 change
-several receipts which had I not lost them, would have enabled me to put additional deductions on my tax returns thus enabling hubby and I to avoid certain financial ruin
...oh and the hanger that I lost the last time I tried to retrieve the really nice pen that I used to keep in my purse.

I'ts been well over a week - and I still can't get it back to where it is comfortable for me.
Dude, you could have kept the change, too.