Thursday, July 31, 2008

The New 'do Review

This is me doing what I am usually doing for unusual amounts of time.* oh and Hi Kat!
*All of you (okay, a whole two of you ) wanted to see my new 'do'. You have no idea how long it took me to get this shot. I had to hide the piles of crap on my desk. Hide the fire hazzard of wires behind the computer. Hide the dark circles under my eyes. Hide the red eyes. Hide the scar and age spots. Oy Vey!

** it is soooo weird to post a picture of yourself. you must think I have quite an ego, no?
*** it has occurred to me that seeing the new 'do without seeing the old 'do gives you no point of reference. I think my new 'do is rather That Girl....(not the Madonna -Who's that Girl, but the Marlo Thomas as Ann Marie That Girl)
**** and, no I didn't get my hair done specifically for vacation or for my upcoming Malibu lunch with Insane Mama and Mrs. R. Although I may go out and get a new outfit for that and drop a quick 15 lbs by next weekend. What color goes well with Mojitos in Malibu?




Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Wednesday Rumblings....er, Ramblings


"Irv , clean up on aisle 5!"


Today I did something I have never done before...I got rid of my grey. And not by pulling it out as I have been doing for years. I never had a lot of grey, but it is a different texture than the rest of my mess of fur, so it is much more noticeable. I don't know about you, but since the 40's- my hair has gone from beautiful curls to wirey fuzz....almost pubic in nature. Ick.


Today I got a haircut for the first time in 18 months....yeah, I swear. Eighteen months. I also got more brunetter, just enough to cover the greys, and some much needed conditioning and lots of shine.


And all only for 3 1/2 hours and $120.00 which for WLV (the toney city north of LA), that's a good deal!


I also think I had a celebrity sighting....although I don't know what this Real Housewife of NYC was doing in LA...Ramona? Was that you?? Do you have to come all the out here to get your hair done in shorts, flip flops and no makeup? Feel free to let your roots grow out in sunny California! We won't take out an ad in Variety..unless you don't tip the shampoo girl!

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We had an earthquake yesterday. About 25 miles east of LA. I felt it here. Truth be known, I was more concerned that the kids would be sent home early from camp....that would have totally screwed up my day. What's a little rattling, anyway. There was funny picture (well, not so funny) of a clerk in a Walmart in Chino (the epicenter of said quake) cleaning up all the deodorant that fell off the shelves. When I first saw the picture I thought he was a looter, not the stock clerk. I bet he was happy that they stock the shelves by color, size and popularity rather than by brand. And, only in California...the dude on the right with the blackberry. "Gotta text my boyeez about this one fo'shizzle!" Pulitzer , schmulitzer.....



Still, after living in and through umpteen blizzards (grew up in Boston) , several hurricanes (lived in FL) and the 17 year cicadas (metro DC) I wouldn't trade Southern California weather for a few rolls of the tectonic plates.

PS - mom, you didn't even call? whazzup with that!
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The little one has been talking about Poppy a lot lately. She seems to end every sentence with "and Poppy" or "not Poppy cuz he's dead". I had a dream about him last night. A dream of him and I from December when he told me he wasn't ready to say goodbye to me yet....he was young and had hair and wasn't sick...he was sorry that he couldn't be there for me when I was sick - although I am so glad he wasn't. I had a tough time re-dialing out of that dream and into another one. A fitfull. restless night of sleep , too.

Rachel asked if rainbows were Poppy talking to us from heaven when he was happy and thunder was him when he was mad. (this was a real conversation not my dream). I assured her that he was up 'there' watching us and he let's us know he's there with weather. She said "I guess since we don't get much rain here, and they gots lots in Florida - he must talk to Grammy all the time!!!" Precious little one, just precious.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Cat Scratch Fever

The Cat-Tastrophe Close Up



So I like to think of myself as a good neighbor. Go on vacation, I'll take in your mail, your newspapers, water your plants, wheel your trash barrels back to behind the gate, and feed your fish. Just don't ask me take care of your cat. Ever again.



I did all those things for my neighbors....with pleasure. And, I did offer to take care of the cat. At their house, of course. My kids are allergic (thank god) and I , well I just can't stand them (cats not kids ) So after a brief lesson -on the phone- in cat-sitting...I promised to go the neighbors house (you have to feed them every day?) for 9 days to do my neighborly thing. Let me preface this by saying that I always thought cats were aloof and didn't need people to do anything for them other than use a can opener. If they had opposable thumbs, they wouldn't need us at all. And, I also thought cats who stayed in the house all the time were de-clawed so they wouldn't scratch up the upholstery. WRONG on both counts.



So- day one I go in the house, and I feel bad for the thing. So I pet it and scratch it behind the ears listening for the tell tale 'purrrr' that cats are supposed to do. I go upstairs to the kids' bath where the cat box is. It's following me in a sort of playful yet sort of 'watch cat' kind of way.
I take care of business (who knew cat poo was the size of a small shetland pony? ick) fill the water and top off the Little Friskies for it. Whew! That was easy. I can DO this! It. Likes. Me. WRONG on both counts.
Day two: I go to the house. I put the mail in the little basket and proceed to pet the cat. This time, he is purring, but has a wild look in his cat's eyes. I get the requisite purr and he rubs his cat self up against my leg. He is lonely and I start to feel sorry for him. I take an extra minute to scratch his little cat ears and fluff up his furry cat body. I go upstairs. He follows closely almost tripping me up as he sidewinds up the stairs. "go away cat" (maybe that was my downfall) . "Show me your shit" Cats don't respond to commands like a dog or a 4 year old.
I reach the cat box (why would someone want this in their house anyway?) and bend down to retrieve a bag and the pooper scooper. The fucking thing jumps on my back. You'da thought it was a frickin' lion the way I let out a wail! "Get off cat!" I don't want to hit it 'cuz it's not mine. He starts nipping at my hand and ankles. I am working furiously to get this over with. I bag up the remains (of the litter box, not the cat) and get the hell out of there.
Days 3-8: Pretty much the same as before. Toward the end of the week, I am thinking he doesn't like me either. He knows I am not sticking around for some kitty love and he's pissed and wants me to know it. That's when he bit me. Full on fangs on flesh. That Darn Cat bit me!
I took a photo so you could see the two little red dots (not the brown freckly sun damage spots) are where he drew blood! I screamed at him and really wanted to backhand him (using a bat)
He left me extra large gifts in the litter box and kicked the litter shit all over the room. This time. I am smart and close the door while I'm cleaning up the crap. He's outside the door "meowing" and sticks his paw as far under the door as possible reaching open pawed like a scene from a teen horror flick. I am scared to death...how am I gonna get out now! (deep cleansing breath now Swirl Girl, you can DO this)I open the door and bolt with my bag of poo. Hubby said if it were him, it woulda been the last meal that cat would have ever eaten. I think I left blood droplets on the floor for the CSI guys, in case there was any questions.
Day 9: I am dreading this. I decide I will wear jeans with soccer shin guards underneath. I walk in - no rubby dubby lovey kitty bum bum this time. I tell it to "GO AWAY!" It's nipping at my feet. I keep walking fast so it can't sink it's fangs into me again. "GO AWAY you frickin' cat!" This time he left me litter all over the floor, cat food kicked all around, Lincoln Logs in the catbox and what I can only surmise is a hairball in his food dish. EEeww! I've only heard of those things and saw one in Shrek II, but just eeewww.
Needless to say, I am glad neighbors are home. Their fish was a dream to take care of. Nary a whimper or a nip. The cat? Never again.
Did I tell you his name is Nova? Not as in the smoked fish or as in Scotia, but as in the pain blocker. The neighbors last name is Cain. Seriously.
I hate cats.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

MeMe, MyMy - Rock and Roll will never die.....

Boy oh Boy folks... get yourselves a cocktail and sit back for another list of fun facts about yours truly...I was tagged by the ever popular Ms. Farklepants herself. Tootsie as she is called. I had been stalking...ahem, aaah ...reading her since I started this thing some months ago. This is one is called the Meme* With No Name. So thank you and your Farklepanted self for asking me to partake.

*what the heck is a meme anyway? How do you pronouce this word? Is is like Maim or MayMay or what? Please, someone clue me in on this before I have to resort to more stalking.

What is your favorite quotable line from a Movie? This one is a hard one because there are so many great lines from great movies that we have seen ...I would have start with the most oft quoted line in our house is from the Godfather. "Leave the gun, take the canoli" Now it's not that we can use this line all the time; We aren't in this kind of situation often - but when it has come up...we had no problem ripping off this one .

The next lines ...I am embarrassed to say are from the Shrek movies. We laugh all the time at our family and ourselves and find ourselves looking at them - and spitting out that line from Shrek 1 where Eddie Murphy's donkey first sees what he and the big pink "oh you're a girl dragon , of course you're a girl dragon - you' are just ah just reeking of ah femininity (she blows a heart shaped smoke ring at him) Do I detect a note of minty freshness?" have spawned. They fly at him and he says "Look at my mutant babies!" Progenic Pride. I share the same gifts which Hubby and I have spawned with a donkey and a big pink firebreathing dinosaur. What an apt metaphor for this thing called us. I'll let you think about that for a while.

And, of course, there is the oft quoted - by Rhett and by me...."Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

How many bags/boxes of Potato Chips are consumed at your place in a month? We buy small lunchbox bags of salty treats for the kids. So ...2 x 5 x 4 (kids x days x weeks) = 40 bags. That does not, of course, include the family sized bags of chips and pretzles and goldfish we go through during particularly hormonal times...er, I mean when we have parties with lots of people (not me) to eat them all. And if we had to include microwave pop corn ...we'd have to add bunches more. I do try to get the baked chip type objects for the kids whenever possible. (it's really gross when you think about it, huh?)

My name is Swirl Girl. (Hello Swirl Girl) And I am a salt and grease junkie.

Who is the most famous person you have spoken to? Now that all depends on whether or not you consider drooling and tongue tripping blather actually talking. You can read back onto an old post about my Brushes with Greatness but I would say it was George Clooney. Let's just say - I am sure it more memorable for me than it was for him. He won't be callin' me anytime soon for a date to the Oscars.

Who is your all time favorite Cartoon Character? Another tough one. If we're including non-animated muppet type characters as well, I'd have to put Fozzy Bear into the mix. So misunderstood in both sense of fashion and sense of humor, I can relate to Fozzy in so many ways. Whokka! Whokka! Whokka!

And how 'bout those Flintstones? The lot of them. Sort of like the cartoon version of the Honeymooners ensemble. Just love 'em.

*************************************

We interrupt this broadcast for a message from the MOM IS FREAKING OUT alert. This is an actual emergency -I repeat ...this is not a drill folks!

Emily and I are sitting and watching the Hannah Monana Movie in 3D . The little one actually said "I am tired and want to go to bed" (the freak of nature) So she just went down. Emily's watchin' and the 3D thing is starting to wreck her eyes so she wants to change the channel. No, that's not the emergency. Although I did need some cabin pressure stabalization when she said she wanted to change from the Disney channel.

Here's the MIFO panic- She switches to Animal Planet. I don't mind that she likes Shark Week, and The Grossest Animals Show. But there is this new show called something like The Dog Whisperer. It's like the Super Nanny for dogs. Some Brittish chick who can train unruly canines. This episode is about a bulldog with two punk rock (repleat with mohawk and pins and piercings and tats) leather clad owners and the dog has a humping problem! This dog humped so hard it left bruises on his owners and the super dog whispering nanny. So they had to train him before it was too late or they'd have to neuter him! Emily is watching and I could see the questions forming in her 8 year old head. She asks "Mom (don't ask, switch the channel, ohplease,ohplease, i don't wanna have this conversation with you) what is neutering? And just what is he doing?" I blurt out - "It's when they cut his penis off". I know, I know, that's not what it is. Sue Me. I am no animal person, but without having to explain what testicles are and what they are used for, and all the rest - I thought this would suffice as an answer for the moment. It did. Phew! MIFO diverted ...she switched on to an Old Scooby Doo on Boomerang.

********We now resume regular broadcasting**********

What foreign food Dish do you prepare from scratch and serve? We try very hard not to serve prepared , frozen foods here. Every once in a while a trip to the freezer section is okay. but just about everything we make is from 'scratch.' Hubby does most of the cooking. And mostly on the grill. I make a mean lasagna, and years ago my friend Cheryl wrote this little cookbook and there was a Mousaka recipe that I love to death. I love making Risottos (anything with wine really) so Italian dishes are easy and everpresent. And I don't know if it's foreign, but the same woman (hi mom)who fed me spaghetti with butter and ketchup sauce also makes what is lovingly referred to as "Mommy's Famous Chicken". It is basically a cross between Chicken Cordon Bleu and Chicken Saltimboca. It's kind of a family comfort food classic 'round these parts.

What is your favorite section of the Supermarket? The 'toes aisle. Chee. Fri. Dori and Pota. (refer back to your 12 step manual for the definition and treatment )

What was your high school teams mascot and what were the school's colors? No recollection in the least. I do, however, recall the walls of the C Hall girls room were painted this sort of pukish light green. And the stalls were a royal blue. I spent a lot of time in their most of the time with a Bic lighter in my face. Heh, Heh, Heh.

Okay - how'd I do?

The rules:

1. Answer the above questions in a blog posting. 2. Identify the people who you are going to tag, and 3. Acknowledge who tagged you.

I've already tagged some people for other things and I feel like I am overdoing on the tagging thing. I don't want to play favorites because I love (need) you all and my commenters are growing and I need the validation and my head is going to explode just thinking about my kid asking me about dog balls.......whoa - I am back now.

But, as I have said before, I try to follow rules, so Robin, Brittany, and Happy Hour Sue - rock on my friends. And if you don't (wait for it )...."Frankly my dear(s), I don't give a damn."


Friday, July 25, 2008

Friday Foto Finish Fiesta

Here you go Carrie. Wish I could just hang around all day like these guys. Until the kid in the blue shorts tried to pry them off the rock. What a tool that kid is going to grow up to be.

Dontcha feel sometimes that life is like clinging to the rock against the pounding waves?







The beach is a place where a man can feel - he's the only soul in the world that's real....
~pete townsend

video

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Brillante




Apparantly, someone other than my mommy thinks that I am something special. Romi over at It is What it Is has bestowed me with my first ever blog award. As much as I can cyber hug her, I will. Didja feel that Romi? Too hard? How's that? There. Thank you new bloggy friend. Thank. You. Or should I say, Gracias - as this seems to be an award from the Spanish Blog channel.


"Tito, get me a tissue!" (wipes teary eye with with one sequined glove). I am so choked up right now I don't know what else to say.





I supposed to pay it forward - so here goes:


Once an award is received, the rules are as follows:
1. Put the logo on your blog.
2. Add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. Nominate at least seven other blogs.
4. Add links to those blogs on your blog.
5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.




The first one (or two) go to Tiffany at The R Family Diaries and Heather at Mindless Junque for starting The Secret's in the Sauce. The fabulous consortium which features bloggers and drives up traffic and commentors to your site. Honestly, I don't know how they have time to do all that and work and take care of their families and post daily on their own individual blogs....I am in awe of them - really. And I am not just saying that 'cuz they featured my Wine 101 on their other site containing Saucy SITS girl recipes.

The second shout out needs to go to Kat at Mama's Losin It who honestly has no clue who I am...but her site is so chock full of information about blogging. I hit the mother load - or should I say the Mama Load when I came upon her. I just learned how to do the linky thing...now I am linking like crazy!! And, I hear that if you link too much you can go blind.

Now for some more:

To Backpacking Dad who was one of the first commentors on my little addiction and was firmly to teach me some etiquette (like the difference between lurking and trolling). And, he is a great daddy who makes me laugh and cry all at the same time. All I can say is his little one is one lucky little one.

To Insane Mama and Tent Camper who - I think - just got it on in my blogosphere the other night. Their lives are full of the good, the bad and the ugly and they share it all with us. When we gettin' together for a weenie roast on the beach guys?

And finally - to Brittany who shares my obsession with food, the drink, great shoes and potty mouthed musings....I gotta meet this one!

Not to have forgotten the rest of you who are visiting me every day and leaving wonderful comments, but I was told seven and seven is what I am gonna do.

Whew! By my count, that's about ten linky things in about ten minutes. I can still see, thank god.

So to all of you out there....Gracias! Y tenemos un diario brillante y profundo!




Monday, July 21, 2008

You do The Hokey Pokey and Your Turn Yourself About

this is what it's all about!....

My mom bought this skirt for Rachel months ago. It has a little mechanism in an inside pocket that plays the Hokey Pokey. Rachel didn't touch the thing (sorry mom) until just last week...now it's endless Hokey Pokey in this house. We're running out of solid shirts to match the polka dots. We get lots of big smiles from people wherever we go. And just look at the kid's face. That's what it's all about! This is good 'til the next bright shiny object twitters by.

PS - - One evening as we were buckling Rachel and her Hokey Pokey skirt into her carseat she says "Owee, you just got my hokey pokey box caught in the buckle! Hubby and I cracked up wondering if she had any idea that she just created a new euphamistic expression for ...her old euphamistic expression.




Sunday, July 20, 2008

An Open Letter to Banana Boat Extreme Sports SPF 30

Dear Sir or Madame;

I purchased a '3 for 1' special of your Extreme Sports SPF 30 in stainless steel looking manly can (that should have been my clue right there) at my Costco recently for the exceedingly low price of only $8.00. In the summer, we go through sunscreen at the rate of about 1 container a week, so when I saw this deal (just a tad more than a gallon of gas) I scooped it up.


According to directions, when used correctly and reapplied liberally after swimming - the stuff should manage to stave off the usual burn and peel on my children. Sadly, though- it also managed to eat away at my nailpolish and melt my very expensive acrylic nails! It wouldn't wash off with hot water and soap. I tried Dawn with Oxy power and steel wool. Nothing worked. I even resorted to GooGone - the miracle cleaner that removes adhesive, crayon, and all kinds of crap from your stuff. All it did was lift the ink off the bottle of solvent and chew through a perfectly good scrubber sponge. If I check closely, I don't think I have any fingerprints left on either hand.


The manly stainless steel can contained no warning that it may not be suitable for the non-sweaty beasts it was obviously intended to protect against the ravages of the sun...but I am fairly certain the product also bore a hole in my very sturdy canvas beach bag, and possibly could explain the missing pool toys in said canvas bag. A neighbors dog went missing and my pet goldfish is hiding under the rocks in her bowl. Something wicked this way comes. (cue music)

Just what of fissionable materials you are using in that stuff anyway?

I am enclosing the unused portion of my 3 can deal as well as 4 acrylic nail tips, one burned beach towel, a paperless bottle of GooGone, the remainder of my scrubber sponge and a used HAZMAT suit for your inspection. Please remit refund ($8) plus the cost of a full set with french tips ($30+$6). I'll forgive the sponge and what not. With any luck, I should get the feeling back in my hands without suffering permanant nerve damage.

Oh- by the way - It did manage to keep the sunburn off the girls- although I swore I had two of them when we went to the pool earlier today... Anywho the little one is now buff, can suddenly bench press a small farm animal and enjoys the rodeo and monster truck rallies. But- she has no skin damage from too much sun.


Sincerely yours,

Friday, July 18, 2008

Phriday Photo Phiesta

I am a phart...I tried to play along with Candid Carrie and her Phriday Photo Phinish Phiesta - but had trouble uploading the pictures. I swear I will next Phriday...I even tried to upload a fun video and Blogger told me there was a problem. Maybe they are all at the Convention Not to be Menioned - those blog control freaks.

No - I am not using her site as a lure to get her peeps to check out my new blog design, but while you're here...isn't it wonderful? Carrie actually asked me how many times I come to look at it, and to check for new comments. Like when you got engaged and your ring was so shiny and new. You spent a lot of time in your car, picking your nose in the rear view mirror just to catch the glint of diamond sparkle.

And the answer is....I haven't gotten off the box yet. In fact, my tush is so asleep I don't know if I can get up. I mean- if you really want to know the truth, I am just hitting 'refresh' a lot. I heard that if you 'refresh' too much you'll go blind. Or your pecker will fall off...if you have a pecker that is. Blogsturbation. Good or bad for you? You discuss.


ps- as for the photo, I will try to post later. I swear I will.

pps - Lula got the song phrase correct. She wins my utmost admiration of her musicality.

oh yeah- and tell me honestly ....do I look fat in this blog design?


I Feel Funky- I Feel Good..Gonna Tell Ya , I'm In the Neighborhood ! **

Dontcha love my new look??

It was created expressly for my by Shauna at See My Designs www.seemydesignsbyshauna.com . In just a few short days, she read my stuff, caught my cyber vibe and captured my 'essence' .

She - got me... 'at hello'.

Click on her , over there on the left...Go ahead. Make her day.

** anyone who can name the song that this comes from wins. Well, not an actual prize or anything - you basically are just showing your age.





Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wednesday Randomness

Okay- so I did the tag thing. I think I might not do it again since I got lots (some) shit for opening up my heart and airing some of my quirks. Thank god I didn't list them all. I would be ousted from the community and have to live in a hole. So - I like my spaghetti with butter and ketchup once in a blue moon! It's not like I invented self service cash registers at Walmart or am personally responsible for closing 600 Starbuck's because I think the roast is too strong!

What if I told you I won't scratch anyone's back older than a 10 year old? What would you say to that 'quirk'? Huh? The thought of human skin and hairy man back under my nails (even though they are fake) just gives me the willies. I would use a spatula or a ruler or something to help you reach the 'spot'. I am not that heartless. And how about the fact that I have no pinky toe nails, huh? Huh? (defensive stance taken here) How's that for a quirk? ;)

Oh yeah - The global warming thing? That was totally me. All that butter melting in the warm soft noodle. Eating up ozone layer and destroying polar bear habitat - I take full blame for that one!

Geez!

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What's with people and drive thru ATM's? What is so difficult about this concept? You drive up, put your card in, punch in your PIN, get your money and drive away! If you have more than a 1 minute transaction - GO INSIDE! Our local bank actually has padded rails on either side of the the ATM drive thru since I guess they've had a tough time identifying the rear view mirrors of the different makes and models of the cars that have been left in the driveway. Again, if you can't navigate the bumper car - stay off the ride. And, there should be a rule that only the driver can use the drive thru ATM - not the front passenger and definitely not the 7 teens squeezed in the back of the Scion trying to get enough change scraped together for the Chalupa deal meal the Taco Bell.

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I must admit I am a jealous soul. All this talk about BlogHer convention and I wasn't even invited. I feel like the girl who wasn't asked to the prom because she was just a junior even though she hung out with seniors. Whazzup with that? If it was in Vegas, I would have gotten the comp.

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We all go the nail salon for our bi-weekly Vietnamese lesson, right? What is with the new phenomena of male nail technicians? According to Xio/Lynn/Kathy (whose name has changed 3 times depending on which place she is working) - they own the salon. Are they the mani/pedi pimps or something? Do they beat the girls for not upselling? "No brazillian wax and spa pedicure? You don't eat tomorrow!" Oh- and although they all speak Vietnamese, most of them are actually Chinese. At least the one's I have quizzed - and I do quiz them. I am nosy like that. And , I ask them what they are always yelling about. And- they are making fun of you, in case you were wondering. They are actually making fun of me and my freakishly quirky no-nailed pinky toes.

There are some things I don't trust...a masseuse with tiny hands, a young handsome gynecologist (what young stud would want to get into the business end of an older patient?), the fact that an older model Ford LTD would actually be able to negotiate the lane at the drive through ATM, and a male manicurist.

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I think I have figured out the ultimate difference between men and women. Men don't have the *gasp* gene. You know, that sound you make when you see your toddler climb up to get a (real) glass from the cabinet. Or the sound when you look away for one minute at the playground, only to see your kid hanging from the highest landing on the jungle gym. Or - when your husband is playing in the pool with your two little girls and flings them so high in the air they get a nose bleed from sheer altitude. The other day in the PUD's pool, Hubby was throwing them around , I just couldn't look. Even though their laughter was great - and all the other dad's in the pool started chuckin' their kids around too - it was too much much for me to handle. I *gasped* so much I actually had to go in the water and dunk my head (fun mommy fo' shizzle) just to drown out the noise.

I am home with the kids the majority of the time - they don't seem to get hurt with me. Hubby comes in the house, rouses them out onto scooters and skateboards and within twenty seven seconds, I hear crash, bang , boom and "OWWWW". Half an 8 year old's ass is left on the sidewalk. I *gasp* and run outside - pick up the kid and slap the man. Sorry you had girls, Hubby- soon they,too, will develop the *gasp* gene and will take to kinder gentler play. They'll come to your softball games and actually watch you tear your planter fasciata instead of dangling off the precipice of the tallest platform of the jungle gym. You'll hear them as they actually....

*GASP!*

*Author's note to her mom.

*I am sorry mom. Now I know why you always said 'watch your head' when I was doing anything that would remotely come close to me hitting my head. And all those time when we would go out at night and you would say "Drive carefully" in your mom tone. And, we snotty know-it-all kids snark back something like "naaah, I think I'll swerve alot and hit a guard rail". You were only doing it because of the *gasp* gene. It wasn't your fault. You trusted us. But, I will say this, mom- the only time I ever hit my head is when you would say "watch your head" and I would turn to you to say "what?" and guess what....I'd hit my effin' head. I totally get it now. I have inherited the *gasp* gene. Like my blue eyes and bad thyroid gland- I got you babe. ...*gasp*

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Oh yeah - one more thing. Dang blammit those Merv Griffin's Crosswords people. They changed the time the show aired (it used to be at 2:00 and 2:30 here) so I didn't catch the rerun. I set the DVR for nuthin'. And, the show is so lame, it only airs once in some markets (Deb in VA) so as mine was the 2nd show - the rerun never got re-ran. I didn't win so who really gives a shit anyway. We'll just have to wallow in my Jon Cryer music video fame for a while until they call me back for the Tournament of Losers show ( which I would totally try out for if they asked me - who am I kidding! So go ahead and call me sweet wonderful producer people!).

Monday, July 14, 2008

Tagged by M

Tagged
........by M at http://rumblingsandbumblings.blogspot.com/
Rules:
1. Link the person(s) who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours…
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

so- (only six?) 6 quirky things about me........

1. I have never plucked an eyebrow - ever. I use a small comb and scissor to shape and trim
2. I scrape my fork against my teeth when I take a bite and it drives my husband crazy.
Sometimes I do it on purpose just to piss him off. ;)
3. I have had acrylic nails for so long that I don't even know what my real nails looks like
4. I love ketchup on butter on my spaghetti - hey, it's my comfort food!
5. I know more useless information than the average encyclopedia salesman.
I am a crossword puzzle freak, and a sudoko do-er. (grammar police anyone?)
6. I have an irrational fear of all things transportation related be it plane, train,
automobile, bicycle, pogo stick, rollerskate, circus train, ski lift...you get the picture

Now it is my turn to tag the following blogmates -

Lula from http://www.lulaville.com/
Deb from http://thisisthelife-dmn.blogspot.com/
Kat from http://sunshineandlemonade.blogspot.com/
Apple Joos http://applejoos.blogspot.com/
Mrs. R from http://therfamilydiaries.blogspot.com/
Robin from Party of Five http://cakebread17.blogspot.com/

I still am not quite sure how to link the blog titles without the whole URL thing, but hey- if these lovelies want to play along, that's great - if not...I won't be upset. I'll just stalk them like John Cusack's spurned lover until they do!

And, as I am not one to break the rules - I was told 6, so 6 it be --- that is not to say that anyone else who drops by couldn't play along. But you didn't hear it from me!

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Shameless Self Promotion

Everyone needs a bit of shameless self-promotion and I am no exception. I am giving a cyber wine class today at the SITS girls' recipe site today. Just click the button on the right side - the one with the cute girl in the red checkered apron (and no, I didn't pose for the shot) to read the first of my monthly wine columns that the fabulous Heather and Tiffany agreed to feature!

Click and share a good SWIRL!

Oh, and if you in SoCal, and want to explore new ways of entertaining live and in person - go to www.swirlgirlevents.com to find out how!

thanks and SWIRLy day!

It's four o' clock somewhere!

Swirl Girl

Monday, July 7, 2008

Motivation

I write because I can't stand talking on the phone and I don't know how to text message. I also will have fodder to embarrass my children when it comes time to put together the 'wedding reel' of their lives...complete with Paul Anka singing in the background "Good morning yesterday, you wake up- and time has slipped away..."

Blogging is email for the public. It's fee free therapy. It's acting on a cyber stage. It's substance abuse that doesn't kill you....well, they haven't determined that yet.

Why do you do blog, cruise blogs, comment on blogs, stalk blogs...why?

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it's been six months to the day since my dad passed away. i am still so shocked sometimes of it's finality. like a cold hard slap across my reality. it still sucks. i imagine it always will, but hope it doesn't . denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. just when i think i am doing okay one of my girls will say something about poppy in heaven or that he is dead or we laugh about making a 'poppy face' or something. i guess the fact that i am still paying attention to how many days or months have passed that i am hovering somewhere between bargaining and acceptance. sometimes i hate being a grown up.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I'm Fun Mommy...today



As is the custom on summer weekends , we frequent the P.U.D.'s (planned urban development)pool. Alot. Now that Rachel is swimming, I don't have to be in the pool at all times. I can be, if I want to. And, the past few days, I have wanted to. Apparantly so do the other P.U.D. dwellers, because the powers that be have chosen to overdose the pool with extra chlorine - so much so that the brights of summer swimsuits have already started to fade, and the blonde haired P.U.D. dwellers' blonde hairs are turning green. I can usually be seen with hair tied up in big knot, sunglasses atop the crown (not to protect my eyes, but to act as a headband), floating on a noodle, squinting - occasionally I toss a ball, or squirt some kind of water pistol. I just don't want to submerge. I tell my girls it's because I need to keep an eye on them (yeah, right) or I don't like getting water up my nose (that is partly the truth) but truth is I don't want to screw with my hair.

Yesterday, after many attempts at avoiding the full dunk - aah, who am I kidding, I don't even like getting splashed above the chin for fear that I might instantly turn into the big afro bear from the Hair Bear Bunch" (*see insert above) Hanna Barbera cartoon anyone? Adam Ant/ Secret Squirrel anyone, anyone? I poof up to insta-fro status in no time - I finally relented and went all in. My girls, who are all over Hubby like a wet-suit getting thrown and swung and such are all agog that Mommy dunked her head! Like they had just witnessed the actual Jonas Brothers jump into our P.U.D's pool. Mommy dunked her head!! All the while, I am planning the next moves. How do I get out and cover both my big ass and my big hair? Are we going anywhere tonight? Nahh, we never do. I need an hour to shower, landscape and blow dry...when am I gonna get the hour? If I go to sleep with wet head, how can I go anywhere in the morning? Clearly you need a plan! Act quickly!



Me. "Girls, tomorrow we are coming to the pool again."

them: "Yeah! Can we have a picnic?"

Me. " sure, and (we'll stay out all day especially since the #$@#% neighbors are
having a new patio put in and I'd rather listen to radiodisney AM 1110 on full
blast through a tunnel than listen to the sound of frickin' jackhammers that start
at 7:27 a.m. ) we'll bring the noodles and water toys and snacks, oh my!
them: "Yaaayeee!" Will you dunk your head mommy?

Me: "Sure, I'll dunk my head."

them: "..and be 'fun mommy' and swim for real under water across the bottom of the pool?
...canyoucanyouohpleaseohpleaseohpleasebe FUN Mommy?"


Me: "sure (as opposed to what, sucky mommy?), but then I get my hour - right?

So that's what we did today. I was Fun Mommy for real ohpleaseohpleaseohplease, and then I got my hour to take care of 'bidness.


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One more thing...I am famous even more so than my most wildest dreams (I have low expectations, no?) You see, a clip of my first (only) movie role has been unearthed by Lula of Lulaville. She has started a Monday music tribute post and this week's is 80's dance music. Now, go to her page...http://www.lulaville.com/2008/07/mad-musical-monday.html scroll down to the last video clip ...It's the music video from a one hit wonder called Pretty Poison. The video is of a song from a cheesy Jon Cryer movie. I used to date the extras casting agent and I was an extra on the movie and my 'scene' is part of this video! It's a good thing Lula found it since I don't even know if the movie was ever released or if my scene ever made it the final cut. (that's show biz talk for final product) Now, as I recall, the scene is about Jon's character running from the bad guys through a train station in Boston. You can watch the video 80's dance band interspersed with clips from the movies. Now, slowly move the video counter to 1:06. There is a white cement post and Jon Cryer practically mows down a woman (or a black cement post) in a cloak like black peacoat with dark brown, long, curly hair. Did you blink? Did you see me?? Of course, my back is the camera (evidentally not my best side)-and it was friggin' cold in Boston that day. I remember 'running' the scene (that's showbiz talk again, sorry-you know how we actors can get. It means rehearsing) trying to come up my characters motivation for waiting for the train that day. Was she going to work? Had she just had a bad breakup? Was she trying to remember where the Kraft Services was? (showbiz for catering truck). But, the scene went so quickly and Jon ran so swiftly, our arms brushing against one another like so many fallen leaves. He made the train and escaped the bad guys. I got my $50 check, a bad lunch and a cold sore from standing out in the frickin' cold for 6 hours.
Aaah, Good Times, Good Times.
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And one more leeetle thing - my game show re-airs July 11th on NBC. Merv Griffin's Crosswords usually airs two half hour shows in most markets. Mine is the second half hour show. I am the one who didn't win, who's seafoam green twin set looks pee-pee yellow under all the lights, who looks oddly uncomfortable in lipstick and hairspray, who answered only a few question (faulty buzzer for sure) - the one standout is: 5 letters for Gumbi's Dog. POKEY!!
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I'm Fun Mommy - with frizzy hair who clearly watched too much t.v. as a youngster.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Four Random Things



Happy 4th Of July!

Cake architect Emily Rose's top down view and cross section of the plan. Pound cake, cool whip, strawberries and blueberries to make the plan happen. Little Sissy Rachel is there to help attack, er-um, eat the finished product. There ain't nothin' nutritious about this one!

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Opposite of Jeopardy is Wheel of Fortune:

We have a friend who was just on Jeopardy! I don't know if she won or lost, but I figured she must have won if she was going to have a 'Viewing Party'. Why would you have a party for your television premiere unless you came out looking good. We planned to go to this party, so this is my conversation with Emily about it.



Me: "We are going to watch "jane" on Jeopardy tonight"
Emily. "Oh, I know Jeopardy. That's the show where you have to be really smart, right?"
Me: " Yes, you are provided with the answers and you have to give the questions. "
Emily. " What's the other one, the opposite of Jeopardy?"
Me: " I guess a show where you are asked questions, and have to give the answers, right?"
Emily. " No, it's the one where you have words, and you have to guess the letters."
Me: "You mean like the one I was one?"
Emily. "No, that one was lame. This one is really hard...the people are super brains - Oh, I know- Wheel of Fortune!"



I always thought Wheel of Fortune was the dumbest show ever. They've even reduced it to giving you like 12 of the 26 letters in the alphabet. The contestants are sooo much pressure to have to choose from a whole 26 letters - And the prizes you had to choose from in the show's 'younger' days sucked. Remember? Really, who wants a capidamonte leopard door stop anyway? Nowadays, I think they just give you money. Maybe a trip or a car, but no more living room suites and ski-doos, too much to choose from. But I digress....



You're not supposed to tell anyone if you won or lost. In fact, when you tape your show, you sign a non-disclosure statement. They could take your winnings away from you if get caught squaking or reveal any top secret information. I know all of this from personal experience as I, too , was on a game show which aired last September. "Merv Griffin's Crosswords". Kind of a lame show (according to Emily) with no studio audience. As an avid crossword puzzler, I answered an ad in the LATimes for contestants. Yada, yada, yada - I made it on the show. I taped in July of '07 and it aired in September. One of the first shows, too! I did not tell anyone, because I did not win (#1) and I wondered to myself - "is that what I really look like?" (#2) and I did not win (#3). -Even if I did win - I think the most you could win was like $2500 and an equally lame trip, to like a deluxe guest room the Redondo Beach Marriot, or something. (note: now they have changed the show after realizing that the first contestants were actually 'throwing' the answers instead of having to win and pay taxes on lameness). I did, however receive a consolation prize -the ugliest watch I own- for my efforts. I taped my show early ( they tape about 5 a day), so I didn't even get to stay for the catered lunch. Bitter much?

So- we saw "Jane" last night. She did not win - in fact, she had a few good runs on categories (like TV theme songs) - of which I swept the category, but came in 3rd place. I know how it is to know an answer, hit your hand buzzer, get all flummoxed , and try to stay in the game. You keep thinking to yourself "I knew that", or "something's wrong with my buzzer", or "man, what's that guy been doing for the past 8 years...memorizing the Bible, the Declaration of Independence, and 14th century Czarism?" Good going "Jane" but if I were you I wouldn't have told anyone until I saw it first. Win or lose, you gotta make sure you look good on TV before you set the DVR and send out the invites.



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Economic Stimulus

I took out a mailbox yesterday. Backed straight out of a curved driveway. I've never done that before. Pretty crappy scratch on my car...and mailbox paint. I think I just figured out how to spend our economic stimulus check. I wanted to use it to stimulate Vegas' economy....or not.
I cried about it yesterday. Oh- and the mailbox is fine, in case you were concerned.

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The Best Chocolate Ever

We went to dinner at a pretty upscale Italian restaurant here in town. A place that I normally wouldn't take kids, but mine are well behaved and eat a variety of foods, so I wasn't that concerned. The server was real genuine Italian (as were 1/2 the employees there). From Tuscany. We were chatting about the kids being chocolate freaks, and she starts to go on and on about the very best chocolate and mint she has ever had. In her fantastically rolling Tuscan- American accent - my mouth was watering as she described it. Then, a few moments later, she comes back with a treat. She hands us a ...York Peppermint Patty! A frickin' York Peppermint Patty? That's the motto bene-est chocolate and mint decadance you've ever had?? I accepted her gift and chuckled all the way home.



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And, finally....


Fireworks in Thousand Oaks. Not the Capitol Steps - or the Magic Kingdom for that matter. but just as effective.


video I always wondered why- with half the state on fire ...they let these celebrations go on. Now, for some left over Flag Cake....yummmmm!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My baby don't mess around!

Real quick - big doings here at the G's Spot!

First day of camp for the little one. No calls from camp. From 9 - 3 pm and let me just say
YYYYYEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAWWWWW! She did it! Took care of bizness on both ends, shall we say! Outside of the house and without me!

Phew! Each time the phone rang (all two times), I shook with fear.

When I picked her up this was our conversation...and I don't feel abashed to share it with all of you since EVERYONE in Thousand Oaks has heard this from her - or at least the gelato lady at Whole Foods, and the check out guy there too, and the counselors at big Sissy's camp, and my sister who just had to be called, and ....


Me: Rachel, do you know how amazingly proud I am of you today?
Rachel: This is the best day ever!
Me: Doesn't it make your insides feel good when you are proud of yourself?
Rachel: I listened weller than I thought, mom. I did it two times and all by myself.
Me: Yes - now a whole new world of fun things can happen for you and the family.
Rachel: This is the best day EVER! Now we can go on a cruise, right? (hint, hint Hubby)

May you all be blessed with a pooper.