Monday, March 31, 2008

Waxing Poetica

Yesterday was one of those days I had always looked forward to. It was chilly here, no- it was downright cold...but the sun was bright and strong and the sky an indescribable shade of blue. After getting to sleep in (well, not actually sleep- but roll around alot and not have to get out of bed) hubby had taken the kids out for a few hours. So I got up when I heard them leave, made my coffee and sat outside with the newspaper for a few hours. They got home, had lunch and then Emily Rose wanted to go to the pool and Rachel didn't. Yeah me. Alone time, sort of. So we packed extra towels so I could cover up, and off we went.

I have always said that I looked forward to the day when my kids were old enough to play in the pool without having to sit in the damned pool with them. Well, yesterday was the first time I got to do that. I actually read a book while she played. A book you say? You know, those many paged bound and covered things that I used to plow through like one a week? This little gem was a gift from Cheryl called 'A Gift from the Sea' and it is what I would call a bathroom book as it is small, fits on the back lid, and can be read in short chapters. Anyway, it's all about stopping to appreciate the things in life. Taking time to be alone without being lonely. Taking time to treasure the things in life that put a real smile on your face. Taking time to appreciate your spouse alone together...sometimes sitting together in silence is a good thing.

I think the author (written over 50 years ago and is still relevant) was saying that when you take the time to be alone , you value the time you are not alone even more. That those things that occupy your time and space and energy are that much more meaningful when given an opportunity be savored. Like closing your eyes when you eat a marvelous meal or sip a juicy delicious wine. Try it, the food actually tastes better that way.

If life could only be swirled like a wine glass to release its bouquet or decanted to let the sediment fall to bottom only to savor the best juice intended.

Enough waxing the poetic.....time to get back to reality until the next time when a few real good hours come my way. And speaking of swirling- for me there is always time for that!!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Pushing 50...

Micro grams that is....age wise I am still on just shy of that milestone.

Went to Dr. today. He is upping my Synthroid yet again. This time to 50 mcgs. Whatever that means. Had blood work done and according to that lab - I am at the lowest of the lab's range for T4 - whatever that means. What that does mean however, is that the stuff is working slowly but surely. So, the road ahead is just that. A road ahead. Long or otherwise.

My brother is having issues with his thyroid again. And my sister has nodules as well. What is up with that? Is there something in the water, or hormones we fed to our cattle or chickens, or something with cross cultivation of plants or pesticides or something that MAN has done to our food chain that would cause all of this? One has to wonder. Lately, there have been so many of my generation that is having problems with their thyroid - maybe technology has gotten the best of us in some weird way.

Not to be a fanatic- but go organic whenever you can. Maybe my children will benefit from sustainable farming techniqes and organic milk , protien and grains. Hubby and I make a concerted effort to do so - not that I'll freak out if they have high fructose corn syrup, or whole milk - but as a rule, we go organic when we can. It can't hurt, right? Wish I could get the kids of Skippy and Welch's Grape Jelly, though. But once you've had a taste...there's no going all natural there.

Anyway- what I do know is that I have more energy than I had just a week ago. My Dr. took one look at me and said "I see what you mean about the puffiness and weight gain" I look absolutely pregnant. And, unless my immaculate conception - that ain't the case. He also said that the strength of my voice may never come back. That is a wait and see. He said he may have damage the laryngeal nerve - but not sure. He said I am not an opera singer or a professional radio personality so it's not an issue. But when his kid is running across a parking lot and he can't yell for them to stop, or he can't cheer his child on at a soccer game - let's see if it's an issue for him. Hopefully, this will get better - but like everything else, this is part of the bumps in this road to recovery.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Only in My dreams

So I have an innate ability to remember my dreams...most of the time. This one is from Friday - Good Friday.

Now- there should be an aside to tell you a bit about this. For many years, our extended family used to jokingly call my father Jesus Christ. He is the only male first cousin of all the first cousins. His mother had many sisters and one brother each who had two children. Dad is the only male of those children.

There was this really tiny airplane. It was like a 4 seater when you looked at it from the outside. But on the inside it was spacious and huge. With a patio and BBQ grill, lounge chairs, bar, palm trees - really weirdly huge and comfortable. So there we were on this tiny plane. My mom and dad, their oldest friends - the Horowitzes, my sister, and hubby. Two Barbie Doll flight attendants - and I mean real Barbie Dolls with tiny waists and molded features, and of course I was there.

Now as incredulous as this sounds (read: sarcasm) I couldn't fathom how this tiny plane could hold all these people and an outdoor pizza oven and comfy seating and fly. Hubby told me to chill and have a mojito and enjoy the ride. So I did. We were all having a great time talking about fun things from the past. Dad has scotch, mom her vodka - they were so happy hanging out and reminiscing. Hubby took his rightful spot at the BBQ grill then...

Loud noises, thunks and clunks, lights dimming...the Barbie's smoothly moved to the cockpit to make announcements. "Please take your seats, we're in for a bumpy ride". They started hurling things off the plane to lighten the load (don't ask me how they did that - it was a dream)

I started to freak - now I know you find that hard to freak out about transportation? Naaahhh.

I started to say "Oh, my god- Oh my god! What is happening? We're going down" Oh my GOD!
And , to that - my dad sits up and says "What?" I say - "Jesus Christ..." and to that he says "I am not Jesus. I told you I was God."

Then light shot from his hands. His light touched my sister and I and he said it wasn't time yet.
Then I woke up.

This was the first time I have dreamt of dad since he passed away. I'd say this was a doozy first dream. This was a Good Friday. I am not going to read into this too much. I woke up feeling okay. I didn't feel disturbed or bothered by this. I even found it kind of funny. Later in the day, the kids and I saw a license plate that said "PA PEA" and that reminded me of the dream. I told the girls about it. Maybe this was a good thing. A type of healing acceptance that he is really gone. Who knows?

Only in My dreams.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Happy Spring!

I love Spring....Here in California - everything is green. There are wild flowers all over the place. I can plant in my garden. It rarely goes below 60 degrees or over 74 - perfect! My favorite time of year.

One of my favorite poems sums it up. except for the balloon guy - which sort of freaks me out. If I saw this guy at the park - whistling and wee-ing...I would take the kids the other direction.

read on

in Just-

spring when the world is mud- luscious

the little
lame balloonman
whistles far and wee

and eddieandbill come
running from marbles and

and it's
when the world is puddle-wonderful

the queer
old balloonman whistles

far and wee
and bettyandisbel come dancing
from hop-scotch and jump-rope and

and the goat-footed
balloonMan whistles

e.e. cummings

I am feeling a bit more energy,too. The Dr. upped my synthroid once again. I have had two good solid nights of sleep and although my muscles still feel kind of sloggy - I don't hit the wall at 1:00 p.m. and have finally (read: yeah!) done my 'bodily function" with ease and some regularity. I know, I know - Too Much Information. But hey, I figure you already know so much about my anatomy and the like...and at this point the only people who read this thing are people who I would be telling this to anyway - I thought I would save the hoarsey voiced conversation.
It is still quite a strain to talk - and at this point a bit of a concern. Could take months...somehow I manage to 'yell' at someone at some point during the day. The show must go on.

Happy Spring!!!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Upping the ante - dose

Called Dr. yesterday at the two week med mark. Feeling lousy. He upped the dose of synthroid to 25mcg per day. I have had a chronic headache for about 5 days now. So tired I had to come home and just close my eyes for an hour this afternoon.

What's worse is the ....mucus drip in the back of my throat. There goes another onomatopeaic word. It sounds like it is. Couldn't it be called jasmine or something inviting?? I don't know whether or not it is from intubation or the actual surgery - but I can't stand it. I went to CVS today to buy that Mucinex - you know, that stuff from the cartoon commercial with little mucus loogy army guys marching through someone's chest? Well, who woulda thunk it, but you need a twelve step program pass to buy this stuff. Apparantly, you can make methamphetamine with it, so you have to show I.D, have your license scanned , and can only buy it once every 30 days or something silly like that. There is a data base in California that tracks purchases of it to prevent abuse.

And to think for tracking meth usage, our public schools are losing millions of dollars and we are going to have to close two elementary schools in our district in the next year. I wish I could actually expectorate one of these little lovelies all the way to Sacramento. Put that in your commercial Governator!

Anyway, I hope it works, because the sleepless nights and very sleepy days are wearing on me something fierce. This evening I actually carried my youngest daughter for about 150 feet. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was. And, yes, my foot fell asleep. And, yes, my hands fell asleep - but I could do it. First time in 6 weeks. I had to wait a few minutes once I put her down for things to wake up so I could drive, but she appreciated the carry. So did I.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Today is a big day for me....

You can tell how really mundane your life is by life's little daily accomplishments.
Today is a big day for me. I blew dry my own hair for the first time in months.

Stop the presses - she blew dry her own hair. Wowee wow-wow. I didn't solve world hunger. I didn't settle our economic recession. I just took a friggin' shower and managed to stand up for 45 minutes and blew dry my fuzzy headed self.

Day 7 of synthroid. I think I need more. I am sleeping fairly well. Hard and deep when I actually do fall asleep. I am irritable, but that could just be a sign that I am returning to pre-op state. Skin is dry and patchy. Arms and legs fall asleep too easily. The scar is healing nicely, though. My voice is very strained and I wonder if I will ever be able to sing or shout with joy (or anger)again. Was there damage to the vocal chords or is this normal almost 3 weeks after surgery?

I also should put things in proper perspective. A friend's mother suffered an aneurysm and who -although she won't be playing golf any time soon, drives a mean golf cart against all odds that she would ever do so. Another whose mom had a brain tumor and wasn't supposed to live (doctor's actually told them to give up hope) who just got a day pass from her rehab center to attend a dance recital with her brother Kurt Russell - yes, shamless plug at a California brush with greatnesss. A cousin whose husband got a bad prostate PSA level and has to go in for a biopsy. Every day I hear about these things. Every friggin' day.

I guess I should revel in the little things that just a week or two ago seemed like big challenges to me. And, as today is a big day for me, I will.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Hormones, that's my out -

So the fear has I am just feeling sorry for myself.

I am blaming that on the lack of hormone in my system. I just started the Synthroid - and the Dr. says that it will take about a month to fully feel the effects. You start with a little bit and then over the next few months, we will work to discover the proper dose. And considering I didn't have any underactive hormone issues before all this happened - I am not sure what to expect.

I can deal with that. I can take a little pill every day, considering the alternative! I should be relieved and elated. No D.A.C. anymore. No further treatment. Whew!

Why the feeling sorry for myself? I still feel like crap physically. I am tingly. I have these twitchy muscle spasms. I feel like I am wading through mud with my hands. Not like over cooked meat anymore (thank god - that was like a surreal horror movie.), but just like I am plodding. I am more short tempered than usual. Notice I say - more than usual - because I am a generally short tempered person. Just ask my kid. I have no patience. But it seems these past few days I am short tempered and ornery(er).

I mean - here I am - with a terrific kid, who by all accounts is just a kid who does stupid kid shit - and I am yelling at her....or straining to yell, as my voice is still off. Which reminds me of when my dad had polyps on his vocal cords (or was it his thyroid gland?) about 30 years ago. He had a Frankenstein scar (like me) and couldn't yell. We (3) kids thought it was so cool that we could piss him off and he couldn't yell....Anyway, I feel guilty for feeling lousy, which makes me feel even more lousy, and right when I am in the middle of feeling sorry for myself - one of the kids will do something that pisses me off, and the whole cycle starts again.

This past weekend, we had the last soccer game of the season, then a bowling party. I went. I bowled. I couldn't hear anything and nobody could hear me. But I went. Then on Sunday, I couldn't even get up. I tried. I don't event think I rolled over. I slept most of the day. Wish I could say it was refreshing, but it wasn't. Happy friggin' birds chirping. Blast that kid and his basketball. What kind of dad builds a court in his backyard for his son and doesn't put it on the street like normal people? Damn that other kid who got a drum set for Christmas and actually uses it. Living in suburbia in our little P.U.D. (planned urban development) really bites sometimes.

I am back to driving here and there and everywhere. I try to do it with a smile on my puffy little face, but I just feel like crap. But - onward I plod. I have trouble concentrating. Feeling kind of weepy. Jeez, I hope it's just the hormone or lack of it.

Come to think of it, for years - I have been blaming my proverbial 'mood' on my hormones. First I had PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome ) to blame it on. Then PPMD ( the super baaad actual menstrual syndrome) - then goodbye uterus and so no more of that! Now I can blame it on the thyroid hormone! God forbid I should take responsibility for my actions...or at the very least just admit that I am a somewhat bitchy person.

What will happen when menopause rears its ugly head?

Joy, Rapture. Sorry hubby. I apologize now. Hormones, that's my out.